Well...

LittleDudesMom

Well-Known Member
Hopefully he will gather his courage and talk to you when he feels comfortable. It's what so great about being there - when they are ready, you are there for them.

Sharon
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anyway. Even the delay in telling you is a manipulation.

How can this be even considered a possible wake up call? Like the myriad of other events that should have shaken him to his core - this will not either.

He IS crying out for help. Because he KNOWS he will do something that will be hurtful to you. You have to stop it for him.
 

klmno

Active Member
He IS crying out for help. Because he KNOWS he will do something that will be hurtful to you. You have to stop it for him.

I feel stupid for having to ask this- but could you clarify exactly what you mean by this? Do you think he is a physical danger to me at this point in time? If so- PLEASE tell me either here or in PM. Or, do you mean that his continued activitties are emotionally hurtful to me- which of course, they are? And what kind of help do you think would be effective?
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Is the PO not going to violate difficult child? I've been checking to see what happened when you finally talked to him. What was his response to the events of the weekend? **edit** ok I now see where you talked to him but didn't want to give details. I'm just concerned that difficult child is manipulating everyone with his apologies followed up by more rule-breaking. If there are no consequences from the PO, since he said he'd violate with one more issue, I'm concerned you'll have another week of disappearances on your hands.
 

klmno

Active Member
difficult child says that based on his conversation with PO last week, he knows he'll be violated and he thinks he'll be locked up tomorrow. I'm not so sure that they do it that way. He complied with all rules yesterday and today but doesn't want to talk now because he says I'll get mad.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I just think he knows what he is capable of doing or not doing - such as being able to follow rules. He is showing you he can NOT follow them yet. The fact that he still had the money (or most of it) is a sign to me that he does not WANT to hurt you by having no money but by actually taking it he is telling you that he can and will take the money - for whatever reason. Let's pretend he truly can not help it. He knows it is wrong but can not help but take the money. He had to have gone through so many thoughts to NOT spend it or just give it away.

He needs tools to help him rationalize things. He needs intensive therapy. Try to imagine the thought process of looking for money, finding it, and what to do with it once he had it in hand. I think he really struggles with his thoughts. I do believe he has the ability to talk himself into doing the right things, but he has a constant battle in his mind that he is bound to lose now and then. He has to be able to learn the tools to win more within his mind. He needs help with it. His actions tell us that.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
As far as your safety, I believe he has the ability to not physically harm you, but he probably battles that in his mind when he is angry. Do I think you are safe? For the most part, but he is capable of harming you as he has proven.
I am not sure what tools he got in Department of Juvenile Justice if any. My guess is he does not have the right ones yet.
 

klmno

Active Member
I'm sure he doesn't have the right ones (tools) yet, too. His confession- because he was going to get in trouble for being out during the evening last Tues, he arranged with another boy to meet late during the night Thuurs. night. Even though PO came to school and warned him Thurs morning, he already had these plans so when the boy showed up, he met him thinking I would have been asleep by then but I wasn't- I locked the doors so he then ended up being out all night. Then after I called the police the next day he "knows from the boys in Department of Juvenile Justice" that being violated means an automatic recommitment to Department of Juvenile Justice even if it's for violating house arrest only and he feels sure that no matter what the parole violation was, the time is 6-12 months. So, he figured he might as well go out and have some fun before getting recommitted so he went to a party where there were drugs Sat. night. Then, he thought he would run away but now he's just accepting that he's going back iinto Department of Juvenile Justice and the PO will take him straight to detention tomorrow to await the trial for the judge to recommit him. All I could manage to say was "do you see anything wrong at all with that way of thinking?"

Stinking thinking.

I'm not sure if I should call PO and tell him this or wait for it all to play out- we already know difficult child is getting a drug test tomorrow.

Now that I think about it- I don't think this is EXACTLY the way things played out (this is the manipulation part) but my guess is that the specific actions are probably true. You know, Department of Juvenile Justice recommended substance abuse program as a preventative measure and I asked PO if he could get that for difficult child but he said he could not as a preventative measure- it had to be after a kid had a problem with it. Of course that means the kid gets busted for it and given difficult child's situation, they'll probably bypass the treatment. And it's not that I think he's an addict just on this short time period. It's the stinking thinking part that the treatment addresses that I think could help him. Maybe they can order him to substance abuse counseling and NA's version of alateen or something. I know nothing will help if difficult child doesn;'t want it to. But I'm convinced now that living in Department of Juvenile Justice where most the boys think this way or worse didn't cure him and I think more of the same is only going to make him worse.

ETA: BW, several has thought for a few years that difficult child needs good therapy. Unfortunately, no therapist has been able to accomplish much (if anything) for one reason or another and when I tried to get difficult child into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and could have, the courts wouldn't agree- they said their Department of Juvenile Justice facility would do the same thing so he was committed to Department of Juvenile Justice.

Now difficult child is gone with his mentor, sooo....off to develop Plan B.
 
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Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Honestly, K, I'd call PO and relay it.

Not because I'd want to, really, but because you still feel difficult child is manipulating, to some extent, and so long as you are willing to "aid and abet", he's going to continue to manipulate you, too. I have found, at least for my difficult child's, silence is acceptance. If you don't turn him in, you're ok with it.

But you know him...
 

bby31288

Active Member
In the screwed up ways difficult children think, I can see this explaniation. I'm already screwed, but have a few days so let me get it out. Instead of thinking, ok I ONLY did this, so if I buckle down maybe it will be fixable. sigh. They never learn.

In a sense I have never learned. I am currently on a life style change of eating habits (aka a diet). If I eat say.....McDonalds, my thinking is, well I already had the dumb McDonalds, so what else am I dying to eat before I absoutely have to face the music? Lets see, pizza, ice cream, chinese. You get the picture. I guess I'm difficult child too!!!
 
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