Welling Lady

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Welling Lady, Aug 30, 2015.

  1. Welling Lady

    Welling Lady New Member

    Hi - im at my wits end. Can anyone help please? I am a single mum in Welling, Kent, United Kingdom. My 16 year old son is smoking Cannabis - but denies. He has been very bad at school - the last 2 years - which are the most important due to GCSE exams. The school didn't want him there because of him being disrespectful and rude to them so they put him on a "reduced timetable" which basically means he could study at home, so a polite word for "expelled". He however did no revision whatsoever despite my many attempts to sit with him and help him. I would just get "I will do it later or tomorrow" all the time. Now he has come out with rubbish results. He has a place in college starting on the 7th Sept doing plumbing but he hasn't been there as yet to enrol. His attitude towards college and learning is not good and he is always out and coming in either stoned or drunk at all hours of the morning. The latest thing happened this morning. He was borrowing my phone as his one was stolen at a party - (he says) and he has smashed the screen of the phone in temper. I was at work at the time but my partner found the phone on my bed and heard my son getting angry with it. He has also denied this and said he dropped it down the stairs which is untrue. His father, my ex-husband is quite supportive and had my son live with him for a few months which helped but he has got worse since moving back with me. I am starting to feel very depressed, crying a lot and thinking "why me??" because I have been a good mum over the years. He constantly asks for money and I know exactly where that goes but if I say "no" he could end up stealing from me or selling things. I have been down this road before with my 23 year old son who is better but still smokes Cannabis so not exactly a good role model. I don't want to give up on my son because I love him dearly but his disrespectfulness is despicable.
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Welling Lady and welcome. And they say pot is not bad :(. I can only you what we did in that situation. Our daughter was suspended from college in her first semester for smoking pot and drinking. We did not let her go back after the suspension. We did let her go to community college the next year but that ended badly before the first semester was over so we told her the next time was on her, we would no longer pay for her to have fun on our dime. She went through several years of losing jobs and having to live with friends until she decided she would have to conform to the rules. I'm not sure where the UK stands on pot but it has become legal in some states and more are on the way. I don't think that is a good thing but there is nothing I can do about it. I could, however, not allow it in my house and not allow her bad behavior either. There came a time when we invited her to find other living arrangements.

    I would never go back to the ages 14-22 for all the money in the world. I know this is not much help to you but I understand exactly how you are feeling. The other thing I did when my daughter was still a minor was to call the police when she acted violently or abusive. That is not for everyone but it was the only option I felt we had under the circumstances. I would never suggest anyone do that without knowing exactly what the consequences could be. We were able to get her charges expunged since she was a minor so it did not affect her permanently.

    My other suggestion is to look for support groups in your area. They will do wonders for your sanity.
     
  3. watermum

    watermum New Member

    Hi I am in the UK too and frankly you could be me. I don't have any advice as such other than to say there are many people like us.. It's just not talked about. As you've been through it with your older child you will know how it goes.. Personally I would not it give him money or any way of paying for it. Let him deal with the consequences. I'm still stuck in a vicious cycle with my son having been dealing with this for 4 years now. In truth my son Was experimenting with all kinds of stuff at 16 and it is now just the cannabis but it makes him lazy messy and unemployable and I despair daily - but I just deal with it daily. I have tried to find support groups but have to say there's not a lot around. Good luck and here's hoping that it is just a phase in his life that he will grow out of
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the SA forum. It certainly sounds like your son is going down the wrong path. Count me in the pot is a harmful drug group.

    I don't know much about the UK and treatment programs. Is there a rehab or residential treatment program you could get your son into?

    ~Kathy
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son has used marijuana to excess. And there have been numerous smashed and thrown phones.

    I think in the case of my son he is sensitive to the idea that there could be surveillance. And he throws the phone when a message pops up that that he views as suspicious.

    I despair because he has of late come under the influence of conspiracy theories.

    While my son is firmly tethered to reality, I do wonder sometimes...and worry.

    The marijuana where I live is very, very potent. Honestly, I do not know what to make of it at all. Because while society is making this drug more and more innocuous, I think there is a sense of unreality of how damaging it may be.

    Might you want to lock up your money and valuables for a start? With my own son, I did not give him money if I thought he would use it for drugs.

    While you may be mandated to provide for your son until he is legally of age, you need provide only the basics. While your son is still subject to your authority legally you do have a lever through which to influence him.

    It is concerning that your son has not enrolled in the plumbing course. Equally concerning is the fact that he has been as-if expelled from school.

    Nobody here knows your child and therefore, can speak to specific alternatives or actions. In our case, it was determined that my son is mentally ill. He is 26 now. He is living independently and working. He is thinking about going back to college. He says marijuana is no longer a priority.

    Thinks began to change when I insisted he needed to be on his own. If he would not live by my rules, he could make his own choices, and suffer the consequences of his decisions. Out of my house. I had stepped out of the way.

    In the USA there exists a legal mechanism whereby young people can emancipate legally beginning at age 16. I am somebody who feels that if a young person does not want to submit to rules and authority at home, they need to think about being independent and providing for themselves. Perhaps the idea of being independent might appeal to your son. (If he is dealing with other issues, such as addiction or mental illness, obviously this might not be a good choice.)

    You are not alone. I am glad you have found us. Keep posting. Do not despair.

    There are young people who are stubborn and slow learners because they want to do everything their own way, and make their own mistakes.

    This does not have to turn out all that bad. They eventually learn. At their own pace. They can become independent, confident and productive people. The thing is, we need to learn how to survive this as parents.

    Take care.

    COPA
     
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