Went to Far Update 3...

[Skool Teacher]

Wow. Is your son a minor? If not, why are they billing you?

She's 20 years old. She is listed on my medical insurance.

 

[New Leaf]

Teacher, my 21 year old daughter is under hubs insurance but she pays the carry over patient portion.......
leafy

 

[DoneDad]

That's a lot of money. Like I said, mine are off my insurance and I won't sign anything to say I'll be financially responsible for their care (they always ask at the ER here to sign this form). You might want to find out for sure if you're responsible for the bill if you didn't sign anything saying you would be. I don't know how it works if they're on your insurance or what the laws in your state are. A phone call to a lawyer would tell you for sure.

 

[RN0441]

My son is 20 and on our insurance. He doesn't have a job and is in rehab and just everything is a mess right now honestly.

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter went through a horrific, self-induced accident. She was, for quite some time, in no way capable of making any kind of medical decisions so I made them all for her. Luckily, she was on my insurance. Luckily, because she was an adult, she is responsible for all of them, including her deductibles. While I made medical decisions, I never signed to be financially responsible for her and I have never received a bill for her. She is disabled and gets state funded insurance, but I keep her on my insurance just for my own peace of mind that she can get care if she chooses.

On the flip side of that, we have taken a huge personal hit financially. My husband took off months of work, I took off weeks. We paid for separate housing to be near her at the hospital and then in rehab (neither close to our home) and I drove up each weekend. Between bills for two households, eating out, driving, you name it...we are in a deep financial hole that will take quite some time to dig out of.

What is disheartening is that it made no difference. It was not an "eye opener" for her, to see how lucky she was and to truly seek change and help. Actually, she has berated us, manipulated us, lied to us, said the most horrible things about us...We were the only ones who never left her side. And she has not once said thank you, or apologized for all she put us through. She honest to God feels it is our "job" and we "owe it to her" as her parents to sacrifice for her. She literally told us this. And now that it is over? It is like nothing happened and she treats us even worse than she ever did before.

But something did happen. Now I know. Now I know she is a drug addict. I know she has a serious mental disorder. I know what she is capable of. I know who she is. Everything is now out in the light where I can see it for what it is. And once you truly know and truly accept what is, there is a freedom of sorts in that.

So in a way....it has been worth every penny...because now I know.

 

[SeekingStrength]

TheWalrus,

But something did happen. Now I know. Now I know she is a drug addict. I know she has a serious mental disorder. I know what she is capable of. I know who she is. Everything is now out in the light where I can see it for what it is. And once you truly know and truly accept what is, there is a freedom of sorts in that.

While I absolutely detest that this is the truth.......it is. husband and I are here, also.

And, we will save $$ down the road. We will so be there if our son ever DOES want serious help, but we certainly spent some serious cash (and credit card debt) to learn that, so far, he absolutely, unequivocally does not want that kind of help.

We, just in the last few days, have learned horrible new truths about what our Difficult Child is capable of. Not ready to post about it yet, not even ready to wrap my head around it yet. This can be such a journey (with plenty of creepy dreams at night).

Hugs to all of you,
SS

 

[Copabanana]

I never heard of a doctor giving pain medications for a seizure.

My son had a couple of seizures when he was a child. He got Ativan, which in him caused him to hallucinate. I understand Ativan is highly sought after for abuse.

I have my son on my insurance, even though he is 27. Because of the provisions on my retirement, if he had the onset of a disability before age 18, he can qualify as long as he is disabled. I do not pay anything. In your work you could possibly do the same, if the onset of her troubles began earlier than 18.

Although I am not so clear about my own son, and helping him, I am wondering if paying her rent is the right thing. I really struggle with this.

On the one hand I want to help him so he does not go down further. On the other hand nothing I say or do or anybody else does seems to have any positive effect. And when I am anywhere near my son I suffer so. But my child is disabled, and he does need help. I am trying to figure out how to be closer to him without it killing me.

It is really, really tough. I am grateful that you shared your story. I very much admire your strength.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

But something did happen. Now I know. Now I know she is a drug addict. I know she has a serious mental disorder. I know what she is capable of. I know who she is.

This so pains me.

Because part of the reason I so suffer is because I hate so much of what my son has become. How he lives, his manipulation, lying, laziness. I feel very judgmental and I am not a judgmental person.

I do not want to accept that this person who he seems to be is him. I keep poking and poking trying to get him to respond from a place that feels realer. If I poke enough, he does seem to feel. But that is mean. I am being mean.

My son needs me. He needs and wants family and support. It is me, who has problems with this, because I do not want to accept how he is. I keep wanting him to change, even as much as I know this wanting is fruitless.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

I felt the same way with my son. I felt at times that I lacked patience or was a bit grouchy. I did not want to accept his condition.

I was raging against the storm on the inside. I was in profound grief. I did not want to accept what he had become. I wanted my son back...his voice, quick wit, mannerisms, hansome appearance, intelligence, and walk.

He was gone mentally. Now he is gone physically, as well. Everyday my heart aches.

You are grieving. It does not make you a 'bad' parent. It just makes you a parent...

 

[New Leaf]

My son needs me. He needs and wants family and support. It is me, who has problems with this, because I do not want to accept how he is. I keep wanting him to change, even as much as I know this wanting is fruitless.

I do not think your wanting is fruitless. You are "crabbing", from Viktor Frankls talk on mans search for meaning, aiming high in your thoughts for him to hit the mark, to find his purpose.

I am seeing through Frankl's words that when I think or speak of my d cs, or in talking with them, I can recognize their "spark", presuppose it with my thoughts, words and actions, thereby "elicit" what they are capable of becoming. Elicit what they are capable of becoming in my own mind, then channel that to them.

So, instead of thinking "What ever could be happening to my child, out there on the streets?"
I can marvel at her capacity to survive.
Instead of saying to her "You need to find help, go to a rehab."
I can say "You are capable of helping yourself, you are strong."

If I think this way, then I am allowing myself to create joy in my life, despite the path my d cs choose.
I shall not say "How can I have joy, when they are out there suffering?"
I shall say, "My two are on their way to discovering their best selves,
therefore, I must discover my best self. "

You will figure this out with your son Copa.
I believe you will.

leafy