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Went to see counselor last night...
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 275899" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Thanks again, Star & 3D. I appreciate everything you've shared and advised. Thank you.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I think I need to clarify a few things. H is willing to go to counseling with me. We have been many times in the past. In particular, with difficult child and her issues, H was there with me...for a while. When it became clear that we needed to work on our marriage, again, he was there with me...for a while. I am talking at least 5-6 times we've gone to counseling and we go together and eventually it's just me going. It always ends up that he simply can't dig that deep and makes excuses for his absence. One counselor said the same thing to me in regards to if he really wanted to change the circumstance of our marriage, he would be there, no matter what. My exh? He refused from the get go. I went for 3 years and eventually I felt strong enough to leave him with two tiny girls in tow. We did okay. It was difficult but I have never looked back. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">The difference with current H is that, like 3D's H, he's a good man. Yes, he's an alcoholic and yes he definitely has intimacy issues, but he works hard, he tries in his own ways, he believes that his dreams are for me and the girls. I don't know that I am ready to leave him, not sure if I ever will be. I have moved from being angry and hurt to wishing for and mourning the type of marriage I always thought we had or dreamed we had. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">And even more important, although H will accompany me to the counselor's office, and even be involved while sitting in that small room, once we leave it's the same old patterns - even though I don't participate. We can be fine and he will say or do one thing and it call comes rushing in on me and I just want to flee. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Call me a silly romantic, but I want the private jokes, I want the eye contact with one another that enables us to know what the other is thinking. I want the kind of lovemaking that keeps us engaged with one another when everything else in our lives (ie., difficult child/easy child/mom) is falling to pieces. I want a partner, one who shares the same dreams and hopes for our future, someone who is willing to see things from my perspective, someone who isn't afraid to say, "Yeah, hmm, I didn't know that". </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I am not sure if I want to drag him with me to counseling and make the effort once again only to realize that H is just putting on a show for me or who ever else is paying attention. So, ultimately, I just have to keep going for me. One day I may be ready to have him join me and I will have to be brutally honest about what my expectations are and give him an 'out' before I invest in any more of my time and heart in trying to attain something that has seemed out of reach for YEARS. At 46, I feel that much of my life is behind me, but much of my life still lies before me. I haven't even scratched the surface in regards to all the many things I want to experience and see before I grow too old to do so.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Aside from being out of synch with one another, I also believe that we ultimately have a different idea of what our lives should look like in 5/10/15/20 years from now and that is very scary to me.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I'm just going to keep going to counseling on my own, talk about things and slowly try to attain some personal goals and build a life for myself because if I have a life outside of my marriage that brings me joy, peace and a strong sense of self, then I will be happier. It is better than just sitting around waiting, right?</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 275899, member: 2211"] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Thanks again, Star & 3D. I appreciate everything you've shared and advised. Thank you.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I think I need to clarify a few things. H is willing to go to counseling with me. We have been many times in the past. In particular, with difficult child and her issues, H was there with me...for a while. When it became clear that we needed to work on our marriage, again, he was there with me...for a while. I am talking at least 5-6 times we've gone to counseling and we go together and eventually it's just me going. It always ends up that he simply can't dig that deep and makes excuses for his absence. One counselor said the same thing to me in regards to if he really wanted to change the circumstance of our marriage, he would be there, no matter what. My exh? He refused from the get go. I went for 3 years and eventually I felt strong enough to leave him with two tiny girls in tow. We did okay. It was difficult but I have never looked back. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]The difference with current H is that, like 3D's H, he's a good man. Yes, he's an alcoholic and yes he definitely has intimacy issues, but he works hard, he tries in his own ways, he believes that his dreams are for me and the girls. I don't know that I am ready to leave him, not sure if I ever will be. I have moved from being angry and hurt to wishing for and mourning the type of marriage I always thought we had or dreamed we had. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]And even more important, although H will accompany me to the counselor's office, and even be involved while sitting in that small room, once we leave it's the same old patterns - even though I don't participate. We can be fine and he will say or do one thing and it call comes rushing in on me and I just want to flee. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Call me a silly romantic, but I want the private jokes, I want the eye contact with one another that enables us to know what the other is thinking. I want the kind of lovemaking that keeps us engaged with one another when everything else in our lives (ie., difficult child/easy child/mom) is falling to pieces. I want a partner, one who shares the same dreams and hopes for our future, someone who is willing to see things from my perspective, someone who isn't afraid to say, "Yeah, hmm, I didn't know that". [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I am not sure if I want to drag him with me to counseling and make the effort once again only to realize that H is just putting on a show for me or who ever else is paying attention. So, ultimately, I just have to keep going for me. One day I may be ready to have him join me and I will have to be brutally honest about what my expectations are and give him an 'out' before I invest in any more of my time and heart in trying to attain something that has seemed out of reach for YEARS. At 46, I feel that much of my life is behind me, but much of my life still lies before me. I haven't even scratched the surface in regards to all the many things I want to experience and see before I grow too old to do so.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Aside from being out of synch with one another, I also believe that we ultimately have a different idea of what our lives should look like in 5/10/15/20 years from now and that is very scary to me.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I'm just going to keep going to counseling on my own, talk about things and slowly try to attain some personal goals and build a life for myself because if I have a life outside of my marriage that brings me joy, peace and a strong sense of self, then I will be happier. It is better than just sitting around waiting, right?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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Went to see counselor last night...
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