Went Too Far Update 2

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Skool Teacher, Feb 20, 2016.

  1. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member


    Everything you guys told me has transpired. She was trying to be remorseful, then she wants to explain, now she's yelling and cursing and demanding and threating to take me to court to get "her money" which is left over child support money. I have been holding this money for when she gets her life together to help with a future apartment or decent car or anything she may need in the future since she didn't want to go to college. This last bit of child support money was for her college education. She's already wasted $16,000 of this money earning a 0.0 freshman year and now has wasted $2,300 by stealing the card and using it for unauthorized purchases.

    She has been in contact with my mom, my sister and my husband pleading for them to talk to me and giving several different stories. Let her tell it, she is living in car, no money and she is cold and hungry. Another story has her with a new job, somewhere to stay, a way to get to work and doing well. She just told me today that she has two jobs, about to move into a house and working on getting a car. Yeah right.

    I got a letter from Florida Dept. of Transportation yesterday letting me know I had tolls to pay during my time there in January. I was not in Florida, she was! I didn't know about this. I text her and ask her why she as in Florida and why wasn't I aware of this. She called and we had a blow out! She wanted to explain why she was in Florida and I told her I really didn't want to hear it because I knew she was going to lie. She tried to justify her lies by saying I over react and that her issues were because of me. Then she went on to tell me that she wanted her money and that she had a right to it. I told her she would thank me late for not giving it to her to waste. Which she clearly showed that she would ass that money off in a matter of months if she got it now and would not have anything to show for it. For two weeks now, I don't know what I'm going to come home to in the mail. It's mostly garbage from China. I've been able to sell some of the clothes and shoes. The conversation ended with me telling her it's her life and she could go to hell.

    I went on her Twitter page to see what she's been saying about her life and living situation. She tells her life story on Twitter and it's mostly for attention trying to be something she's not. She has said F' me and thanked several of her friends for being there for her but nothing about being homeless or sleeping in a car. There are nudes of her on there and it's shameful that she feels lie she has to show her body to get attention. She has eluded to being a stripper and made comments about being told to strip getting off work at a certain time. I'm inclined to believe this because of some the items she ordered with the credit card--lingerie, waist chains, chokers, whips, gag ball, fuzzy handcuffs--stripper/dominatrix type stuff.

    Needless to say, each day I have no idea what I'm going to find out or what trick bag she going to come out of next. I think the threats of taking me to court for child support is just that threats because that would require her actually doing something adult like. I'm braced for more ridiculousness from her. She seems really desperate. I'm really pissed that she would even think of taking me to court for any reason.

    Any words of wisdom or insight are welcomed.
  2. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    First, where do you live? Where I live, Michigan, there's no law saying we have to give our kids the child support. Here, at least I think it's this way, it's for living expenses, clothes, health needs, etc, while the child is at home living with the parent with whom the child lives.

    I never got child support, but I've also never heard of a mother saving it all for when the child becomes an adult, or having to hand it over to the child, period.

    She's sounds like she's going off the rails, and either needs to stop acting like a "spoiled" little girl (sorry for lack of a better way to say it), and straighten up or get it together.

    I haven't read any other of your posts, and not sure how old your daughter is, but if she's claiming to be "stripping" I am assuming she is of age. Horrible choice by the way...obviously.

    Sounds like she really believes she's entitled, when it sounds to me like it's more of a gift.

    If I ever did receive child support, it would be to go as part of household and regular living expenses, to replace the income that would normally be coming from the parent who was absent from the home.

    Sounds like you are doing the best you can with what you have.

    I'd probably be pretty upset and say to daughter, "go ahead, draw up your court paper work and let's go!!" Meanwhile get it together or you will not be getting your "gift" of money from left over child support. I could be way off here, because I've never gotten child support, but seems like the judges would "laugh" and scold her.

    I am sorry, maybe I am confused. LOL. I'm probably not much help, as I think of child support as something different than it sounds you think of it. Maybe it's different where you live.

    Is this how child support is? We hand it over to the children to do as they please. hmmmmm
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2016
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she should have money if she really strips...in my honest opinion sounds to me as if she does that and wants her other money probably due to a bad, expensive drug habit. That would explain the lifestyle you suspect and the lies (drug addicts always lie) plus the mood swings and anger at you for not forking over the money. I could be wrong, of course, but thats what I thought as soon as I read your post.
    Hugs and hang onto the money. She doesnt have any intention of spending it on anything positive right now...I doubt shell go anywhere near court.
    Hugs and hope im wrong about the drugs.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2016
  4. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    That was my thought too...child support is your money to help cover expenses to live while your child is a minor. That's why it stops when they become of age. I agree, let her take you to court! Judge will flat out tell her you never had to set any of it aside for her later. At least in my state that's how it is. Call an attorney for a free consultation to confirm.
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  5. JMom

    JMom Member

    Good morning ST,

    If you do find that she's using drugs, please use some of that money to repay yourself for what she has cost you. I live in Texas and agree child support is up to 18 in my state and is for living expenses. The money now would be used for more bad choices now.

    If we are fortunate to be wrong about drugs she's needs a good old fashioned spanking for being such a big turd....

    If she is using drugs, this could be a very good place to allow natural consequences of her addiction (i.e. loss of money and parental involvement.

    I promise you 100% when the consequences fall on her, rather than you reality will soon set in. If you suspect substance abuse, perhaps you can give family who may enable. They might want to avoid giving her money as well. You can't control other's, but I found that my ex-husband appreciated me telling him when my son was using.

    Things got worse quick once everyone knew that he was making bad choices and cut off the money supply. My kid lives in a tent for 3 months, bit he's now sober and going through a homeless program to apply for college.. on his own.

    I only say that to give you hope. It seems like you're in limbo on what to think. Take care of YOU in the meantime. You will need your strength.
  6. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    The child support was sporadic at best when she was younger. Her dad started to pay regularly and almost caught up during her 10th and 11th grade year which amounted to thousands of dollars. He died before she graduated and she also got a check from his estate plus a social security check. She signed the check over to me with the knowledge and agreement that this money and any left over child support would be used for college. Once she wasted $16,000 freshman year by doing nothing and not going to class, that was the money from his estate and his social security plus some money I put into a 529 college plan. The rest of the money that is left is the last of the child support money that I received before he died the last 2 years of his life.

    When she said college wasn't for her I told her I would use the rest of the child support money to help her when she got an apartment to get furniture, pots, dishes, etc. I had an old truck that was in good condition and had been maintained for her to drive to go to work--no car note and I was willing to pay the insurance for her for the first year. All she had to do was get a job or two and go to work, save pay her little bills until she was ready to get an apartment. She lived here and was disrespectful for years and then she stole from me and that was the last straw. Now she keeps saying give her "her money" and I'm just not willing to do that for her to waste it. I will use it to help her if and when she ever gets it together. Right now she is clueless and wants to use the money to solve her so called problems that she created for herself. I've have always used this money to help her--got the truck fixed when it broke down, got it towed, got a set of brand new tires once she started to drive, got her a AAA card so she could call them if the truck broke down, got her uniforms for her jobs, ETC...

    The fact that I still have some money left is a blessing and I'll be damned if she is going to get it to waste on drugs, fast food, her friends, etc... IF and when she gets it together it will be there to help.
  7. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I live in Georgia.
  8. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I'm not sure of anything concerning her at this point because she LIES about everything. She is doing drugs I'm just not sure what level she at. Even now she's telling various lies about her living situation.
  9. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thanks for sharing. My family are not enablers they will NOT support her or give her money with her current band of lies and stunt with stealing from me. They are sick of her disrespecting me and making bad decisions after all I've done and they've done to support her having a good life and future. All she does is make excuses for doing wrong and making bad decisions that cost me money every time. I've had enough. I'm not in limbo on what to think I'm just very tired. Even though she is not here she is still causing stress and I'm still dealing with the side effects of her bad decisions.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This sounds to me like most of our d cs, who are going off the rails and have this feeling of entitlement, that we should help them, no matter what their choices are. Yes, it is a bag of tricks, and you are wise to brace yourself for more ridiculousness. The choices these young adults are making, are not good choices. I believe, deep down in the core of them, they know this. They are holding hands with their bad choices. The way they continue with this path, is to frame and blame. Use us up, then try to frame us as bad parents to anyone who will listen. Blame us, to keep us swimming in a pool of guilt and enabling. Stand your ground, Teacher, and know this is not your fault. We have all done the best jobs we could raising our children. Hopefully, with us standing firm, our kids will wake up and see what they are doing to themselves. They will have to feel the consequences of their choices, and while it is painful to witness, it is the only way we humans learn, by feeling the ramifications of our choices. She was able to ride your train for a bit, and this was comfortable for her. Now, she is hitting the desperation of those choices and trying to get herself back on Mommas train. It is good that you see this. Hard, when they reach out to family members to try to denigrate you, and get support from them. I do feel it is okay to let them know what is happening, if that is your choice. Then, maybe they will understand and not step in to enable her. These kids are very good at what they do, and will try anything and everything to fund their lifestyle. Stand firm Teacher. I suspect more of the same, but do agree with you that she will not try to go to court, it is the last place these kids want to be. It is a bluff.
    So, the rest of the money is child support money.I agree with the others that child support is for the custodial parent to use in raising the child. That you saved this money for her future is to your credit, not hers.

    Good for you Teacher. Some day, one day, she will wake up and be thankful for this. That is all of our hope. Until then, I think most of us learn through the choices and trickery of our d cs, that this is a challenging journey, and we do best by keeping our guard up, and focus on ourselves to be strong and ready for whatever comes next.

    I have written this many times and write it as much for myself as for others. We do our d cs the best service, by growing stronger ourselves, building ourselves up and using the tools available to understand what is really going on here. Knowing that we as parents did the best job we could, and that these d cs are out there finding their way. It is their choice, their consequence. Through our great love for them, we were dragged down this path a bit, but then we wake up and realize what is really going on. So, we get out of the dazed and confused state this put us in, in the first place. Who the heck imagined in our wildest nightmares, that these kids we sacrificed for, had hopes and dreams for, would deviate so far from the path? It is a no wonder we are knocked off our feet and senseless for a time. Then we slowly get up and open our eyes. It hurts. Realizing that there is nothing left we can do, because we have no control over their choices, is key.
    You are doing well Teacher. You are seeing that and have given her her wings to go out and try to find her way. That is a gift. I look back and see that I was tricked countless times to let my two back home. They just went further off the rails, took advantage of the situation and resented us even more, all the while expecting more. We just prolonged things, by giving in.
    Keep standing your ground, at the same time build yourself up to keep your strength. It is a training for us battle weary warriors. Soldiers train hard, but they also take time for R and R. Make sure you take time to recoup.
    You have value and you matter.

    The best thing we can do for our d cs is show them by example, how to live well.

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  11. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    She's not entitled to any child support money you received. I would just be upfront with her and tell her she's not getting any money from you ever. If she wants to take you to court tell her to go for it. And I would call the police if she stole from me.
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  12. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    I think you answered your own question. :)

    No matter if she's on drugs, just a liar and a thief, or has a problem with money...(sometimes that alone is an addiction), seem like you have it figured out.

    No enabling. If she ends up in a strip club, hopefully she will use her money wisely, which I doubt, and that will probably just enable her bad choices more. Although I do happen to know a few women who have done that...one is a Pediatrician now, one a masters in social work and doing therapy in private practice. I know, I digress here, but this is true. I am in an area where there are a lot of strip clubs and decent jobs are scarce and the money pulled them in (addiction to money, drugs, etc---all bad things for young women and men found in those haunts). If it's used wisely, and only as a business, with a business minded young woman, I have seen it work. But, man one would have to have little self respect to do this, in my opinion.

    I also know in Georgia, there's a mecca for these places. I know a little about it. It's a pull for a lot of young women and our society in general makes it all too easy for them to end up there. If it's used wisely, it can be a good stepping stone, but too many women fall into the drugs, prostitution, alcohol, etc.

    I would walk away and let the cards fall where they may. Doesn't matter what you say, she's going to do what she wants. Spread her wings and fly or crash. Then, put 'loving her from a distance' in play...there for support emotionally but not financially until she shows improvement. That's what I would do. Sounds like you realize this is what you need to do. You probably just needed to hear it from others. :)
  13. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    One more thing I have just thought of...you know, my Son was tried to manipulate me when he was cut off financially, and right before he found his own way to make a good financial living on his own.

    He was broke and crying to me that he desperately needed money. He told me he was going to Detroit to strip in a "gay" club. And that he was even contemplating prostitution himself. YEP, he told me this. I did NOT give him money. This was awhile ago, I had forgotten about it until I walked away from just posting that and it struck me. We fought hard and heavy about me giving him money, and when I used to pay for his expenses, apartments, rent, furniture, vehicles, food, etc, it only made him worse. To me, he was a "bad experiment" because I did it ALL wrong with him. He failed worse, by me helping him.

    Sounds like you are ahead of me in this area. :) You know what you need to do and it would have been nice if I had found this place years ago. lol.

    I think he thought if he told me he was going to "sell" himself in a nasty way then I would feel bad and give him money. NOPE. Your daughter could be just trying to manipulate you, then again, she may go do it...I'd say, go more power to you.

    I did not give him money, and I do not know if he did what he said he was going to do, but I told myself there are plenty of ways to make money. If he needs that much, what I figured would be more than just a minimum wage job, then he was up to no good. I cared, but I knew he had to make his own choices. Difficult Child will do what they want anyway...no matter what. Doesn't help them to give them money,esp a lot to go do no good acts.

    I feel like he was my "experiment" that had gone wrong for awhile.

    With my other two, they do not get much money from me. Because of Son, I learned the hard way that the way my kids are wired, is that they have to earn what they get. All I do is pay my 17 year olds phone bill. He bought his own car, he pays for his own gas, and his dad pays his car insurance.

    With 21 year old daughter who even has a learning disability. Only thing we did for her was give her $300 for her deposit on apartment, and we co-signed for her apt. And, since she's lived on her own, for almost a year, I have paid one consumer bill, and one wireless internet bill (online, no money switched hands). She does it all on her own with those few exceptions. There was a time she was told by her neurosurgeon and doctors that she would probably not be able to live independently. Well, here she is....makes $9 and hour, works ususally 6 days a week as a housekeeper at a hotel and is just fine. I do budget her bank account and bills though....She also doens't have car expenses and lives within walking distance from her work.

    So, these kids can do it...all on their own, in a decent area, where rent is somewhat cheap. Daughter is on a college campus...not attending, just happens to be inexpensive. $560 a month..

    I just thought I would share this....it's sad to me, since naughty wayward Son, has so much more intelligence and earning power, but here's his sister working hard, and making things work on her own, no drugs, no ignorance.
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2016
  14. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Yes, Detaching, I need to hear from you and others to help me stay on my path and to know that I'm not the only one dealing with a wayward adult child. This is very difficult but I do know that this will help her in the long run become independent and either sink or swim and figure out what type of life SHE wants to have not what I want for her. It's very obvious that she doesn't want the life she could possibly have and she has fought me every step of the way and feels like I owe her and she is entitled to things she hasn't worked for or earned.

    She didn't think I would put her out or completely cut her off. Now she is all pitiful and blaming me for her current living arrangements and seems disappointed that I'm not concerned if she is eating or how she is surviving right now. I'm very concerned and I care but if I cave now, she'll never figure out how she's going to be an adult. I'm actually having a rough morning with all of this but through it all I know I don't want her to come back, I don't want to go to court and that is just an idol threat because she's just not that bright nor does she have money to this and she is too sorry to follow through, and I'm NOT GIVING her a dime to ass off. Any help will be just like you've done, directly doing an action with money that will never touch her hands and ONLY once she gets herself together and on the road to becoming a responsible adult. I don't see this or proof of it, then NO help financially or otherwise!!!

    I've seen some of my relatives go through this with their adult children and friends as well. I've always said that I would never let my adult child do that to me and age 21 was my official cut off for her especially since she is not in college but she didn't make it till 21. She is 20 and officially on her own. Maybe one day she'll realize that this was the best thing I could have done for her. Who knows and at this point her cares what she thinks. I'm beyond tired and I still have to deal with the financial trail of destruction she left before I put her out. I'm still dealing with an accident claim she was involved in that had multiple cars involved, a wrecked truck and Lord knows what else that I don't even know about.

    I'm glad I found this sight and that I have people that I can talk to about this that fully understand what I'm going through and that can offer encouragement let me know I'm not alone.
  15. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    These Difficult ones will fight it til the end, right up til they are about to go under. I swear. I wish it was easy.

    Never had this trouble with my two younger ones. I've heard it was worse with girls, but I don't think so...i just think its the dang personalities.

    With Son is was like a storm before a calm, then a decent two years, then whooooshhh. Terrible storm. He was very quiet, started making a very good living, in a self respectful way, then....well, he's in jail--relapse, blew it bad.

    Anyway, hang in there. Sounds like you have it under control now. Your Difficult Child daughter is young still. There's a lot of hope for her, as long as you stay strong.

    I agree. This is a great place to gain understanding, knowledge, encouragement, and help a few others in the process. Win/win. :)
  16. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Hey detachingmother, I am in Michigan as well.

    Skool teacher- I rarely got any child support from first husband, had to take him to court constantly. He would work, I would find out, get a court order to garnish, he would quit his job. I would get lawyer, they would do a skip trace, rinse and repeat. We gave up.

    I have a feeling that if she took you to court, the judge would laugh her out of court. She stole the card, made unauthorized purchases. I would tell her, fine take me to court, then I will turn around and file fraud charges against you for the card charges.
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  17. detachingmother

    detachingmother serenity

    I am happy it was warmer these past few days! Bet you are too, but I hear we have snow coming again. Boooo! Maybe you like the snow though, me, not so much...I'm a snowbird one month of the year...If Son would get it together it would be much more...well, I can't totally blame him, because it's too hard to be away from daughter and other son too... :) Nice to meet a fellow Michigander in here.

    This was my thought too. I envisioned Judge Judy letting her have it.

    Skool Teacher, sounds like she's got it and daughter probably knows better! She's just spouting off...DCs, ugh!!
  18. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I'm originally from Michigan as well, Ironbutterfly and Detachingmother. Been in Georgia for a long time now and do not miss all that snow!
  19. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Skool Teacher, yeah, we are bracing for a big winter storm coming in on Wednesday. Older I get, the more I hate the cold. My Difficult Child is in Georgia now, northern Georgia.
  20. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    The older I get the more I hate the cold weather. Yes, bracing for the storm coming in on Wednesday. I would love to be a snow-bird some year, after I retire. Other son is getting married in September on Mackinac Island. I love up NORTH, God's country.