We're moving and difficult child is fighting it

[cmfout]

We've managed to find a new place to move. It's in another town with police that actually care and decent people. We'd be out of the home my dad and brother own, a little distance between us and my family, and in a much nicer home. There are so many good points to this move.
BUT difficult child is driving me insane about it. He doesn't want to move. He doesn't want to be in a different town where he can't just ride his bike to visit Grandma (who he adores). He doesn't want to have to wait for me to be able to drive him to visit his friends. He doesn't want to start over.
Any ideas for making it a bit less stressful for both of us? He fights changes. Always has and probably always will. I keep reminding him that he'll be able to get his license in February and he already has a car waiting for him - that helps for a little while but then he starts worrying about between now and then. Seems I can't win, but this move is an absolute must for us!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Are there any (affordable) summer activities that you can get him involved in now in the new location?
This would enable him to start making friends etc. THERE rather than all the focus being HERE...

 

[cmfout]

Not really. It's another very small town. There's a youth center with a skate park and activities, but it's only for residents of the town. I don't know if they'd make an exception and let him get involved before we're actually living there or not. The only other thing is summer school, but he's not enrolled in the school district - we home school.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

cmfout,

I think that InsaneCdn's ideas is inspired. I can really identify, as we are moving next week. Our difficult child hasn't voiced concerns, but he is clearly anxious. He shows this by pacing, asking a million questions, and sticking to husband and me like glue. He has lived in our current house his entire life.

We decided to assign him responsibility over certain areas of the move - he's in charge of moving all electronics and setting them up in the new house;he also will be in charge of directing the movers to various parts of the house - so he won't be around to see things moving out of the old house. We bought him a new bed - and he will be responsible for accepting the delivery and directing the delivery men. As you can see, our goal is to assign responsibility, keep him very busy, and keep him away from the chaos and fear that seeing his former home deconstructed might cause.

I know that your issues are very different than ours. It's so difficult for a teenager to move mid-stream in high school. I know because I had to change my high school my junior year. It upsets the apple cart - and the process of finding an identity starts all over again. Sometimes, that can be a good thing , though. I would think the process of driving and having his own car could really help out!

I will have to say though - I've been planning our downsizing move for several years. I wanted it, and I'm still grieving and a little blue.

Valerie

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm sorry this is so difficult. Will he have a bigger bedroom? Be able to paint it the way he wants? I'm just thinking it might help him to focus on the positive. You've probably already tried that but it's the only suggestion I can think of. I remember when my sister and I were teenagers and my parents brought up the idea of moving (just to another part of the city, we would have still been at the same school) and my sister totally melted and cried for a long time (days). I was all for the move! We ended up not moving for many reasons but I do think him resisting is normal, however, the difficult child part probably makes it double or triple in intensity. Hugs.

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

Moving for us was the first step to making a recovery for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) [mostly pure thought and a lot of rituals and getting stuck in places] teen/young adult. While he was reluctant at first, and really not agreeable to anything that made sense at that time period, getting him out of the environment that caused so much stress and aggrevation made a huge change for him in breaking free of the getting "stuck in places" part and free of that, his recovery snowballed at an amazing rate.

I realize that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is something different from what your son [and you] deal with - but you have got to take care of #1 [yourself] first, in order to get a second wind under your wings to continue trying to help and support him. Do what you need to do for yourself to stay financially and emotionally well. Hugs!

 

[cmfout]

Thanks for the replies. I checked into getting him into the youth center and they'll take him NOW since we've signed the lease. He also went with me for a walkthrough of the new place this evening. He's still resisting the move but he seems to be getting used to the idea - at least for now. That could change in a heartbeat but I'll take what peace I can get LOL! The new place will double as our home and my work, and he's going to be able to choose his own space, set it up any way he wants, and even help me rebuild our commercial kitchen and get my business up and running in the new place. I'm hoping he'll come to terms with it and stop resisting so much.

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like some good first steps. Can Gpa help talk him through this? Explain that it is a longer trip but still not very far and they can call/email/facebook when they cannot be right there? If he has a cell phone, use that as part of the tools to keep him connected. Don't go and add stuff you cannot afford, but if texting and internet packages are affordable, they might be worth considering. Also, even though it is such a short distance, consider setting Gpa up with skype or another internet phone with a webcam so they can see each other. Of course difficult child might have to give gpa some tutoring on how to use the thing if gpa isn't comfortable with computers. NOT meaning to offend, but I know many people who are comfortable wtih all of that and just as many who don't know anything about it.

Maybe try to set up a weekly time for him to spend with gpa even after the move? As you homeschool, any chance Gpa could take over one of his subjects for a few months to give them more contact? If gpa works all day it could be an evening or weekend thing.

If there isn't a subject that gpa could/would be willing to ahndle, why not set up fun science experiments. Things like making a catapult, or a crossbow out of pencils and figuring out why it works. Or whatever would interest the two of them

 

[Malika]

Yes, one can understand your son's resistance and upset. It's going to be a difficult transition period and in all honesty there's probably no way you can totally eliminate that. Riding his bike to see grandma... it's understandable he would be attached to that, and it must be threatening and anxiety-making to him to have all this taken away. The idea of familiarising yourself as much as possible with the new place does seem like a good one and perhaps part of the "transition work" you will have to do. Also talking about the move as much as possible, letting him air his feelings about it?
Once you've taken the plunge, of course, he will gradually get used to the change - and maybe eventually be as thoroughly attached to the new place as he is to the present one. Good luck.

 

[DDD]

been there done that. Thirty years ago, lol, my almost easy child announced he was not moving with the family and would stay with friends in our home town. Boy, that caused some shock waves. I understood then and understand now the fears that come to adults and kids when faced with all new people, new schools etc. My easy child son came with us and adjusted but "home" is still our home town. I hope your new community is welcoming for all of you. Being the "new kid in school" is not an easy thing. I'll keep my fingers crossed that there is a happy ending to the story. Hugs DDD

 

[cmfout]

Wow! Thank you all for the wonderful ideas and advice. Today brought a huge breakthrough on the move. My parents have offered to buy Jacob a car that he can fix up and get road ready between now and getting his license, on the condition that he stop giving me such a hard time over the move. His uncle will drive him over to their home on Friday evenings and he can stay until Sunday evening if he wants to, so he can spend extra time with his grandparents and uncle, get the car running, and have a good break from Mom. My brother also offered to set him up with a small shed type building and help him get his bicycle repair business, that he wants to start, going. We'll have space for him to do it now. Now he's excited! He's chosen his bedroom already and he's thinking about how to set it up.

 

[DammitJanet]

Way To Go grandparents and uncle for coming through for him.

 

[DDD]

Terrific news. How lucky you are to have family support......and how lucky HE is to have family support. Things are looking up and I'm delighted for you. DDD