Were you depressed ? + pregnant years ago? Discussion.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 26, 2010.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    On the front page of the newly formatted site -

    There's an interesting article about how antisocial behavior in our difficult child's by age 16 is linked to depression in pregnancy. I NEVER considered that. I thought about what I ate: like aspartamine, microwaved foods, one single glass of wine (which I had one glass and said no more very early on), BBQ foods - did the charcoal do it?, processed foods, MSG, I mean I made myself crazy trying to figure this out.

    Did I stand too close to an Xray machine, Was it the abuse? Was it his drug habits and somehow the doctors were WRONG -that it WAS the dads drug abuse that did this? Genetics (because I'm adopted)-kept thinking what if I'm a Manson farm kid? I mean you have no idea what hell on earth I have put myself through before therapy about this kid.

    But never had it occurred to me that depression could have been a factor. (Slaps head) Then I think - WOW----he had several girlfriends, he was beating on me, he never came home, when he did? He was high or drunk, We moved 5 times while I was pregnant and right up until the last 2 weeks, I had a bad tooth I pulled MYSELF because there was no money, and I was just sad all the time. - I was still packing/working/ OMG....yeah I was depressed. I kept thinking "What kind of a life is this baby going to have with a Father like this?"

    So I'm curious to see how many Mothers were chipper, happy, couldn't wait to have a child and it turned out to be a difficult child anyway. I just had no idea Moms were depressed when they were pregnant - I really thought I was happy until I started thinking about it after reading this. Wow what an eyeopener.

    I was happy I had Dude - but wow.

    And you?
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Let's see. I guess I was sick when I was pregnant. Sick...sick...morning sickness...afternoon sickness...night sickness....

    It just never stopped. Everyone kept telling me that once I reached a certain point, it would magically disappear and I would feel great. Never happened.

    Does that mean I was depressed? Well, I certainly wasn't having a good time...

  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    With Oldest, I was miserable. I don't know about clinically depressed, as in, can't pull myself out of bed, don't care about anything depressed, but I was in a horrible marriage and we fought constantly. I cried a LOT. When she was a baby she was SO colicky and difficult... which of course was the beginning of her being a difficult child, period. I've always thought our fighting and the stress I was under, contributed to that.

    With Youngest, the pregnancy was planned and I don't remember being depressed, until the end. I was in a bad car accident at 33 weeks and broke my knee, delivered her 5 weeks early while in a full leg cast. Talk about post-partum depression. I somehow pulled myself out of it, without psychiatric help. But, since my "state of mind" during most of the pregnancy was fairly even-keeled, I don't think it affected her as much. In fact, I think many of her issues come from being the younger sibling to Oldest.
  4. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I was severelly depressed. My daughters father moved out and moved in with the married lady right across the street from me. She moved her husband out and set up house. Her husband was a really nice guy and was so hurt. I was too and suspected that I was pregnant before he left but didn't get an official test until a couple of days after he moved. I lived across the street from my daughter's father and his new girlfriend my entire pregnancy. My difficult child is 11 now soon to be 12 and her dad and his girlfriend are still together. They don't have time for her. Boy does he hate to pay child support. Well anyway. I was very nervous and scared and depressed. The whole subdivision used to say we don't need tv around here, we have our own little soap opera going on right here on our block. URH, makes me cringe. I can sure pick' em.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Anyone else getting tired of being blamed for *everything*???? Next thing you know, they'll say if the mother had hands and/or feet, they caused depression/antisocial behavior/war/poverty/polyester suits. :hammer:

    Probably depressed when I was preg with- thank you. Did have frequent horrible panic attacks/severe anxiety due to PTSD junk from first nightmare of a pregnancy and fears of a repeat with- thank you.

    But ditto the panic attacks/anxiety with- Wee, compounded by the beginnings of thank you's gfgness. And by the time I was preggo with- Diva, not only did I have the panic attacks/anxiety, I also was most definitely depressed and terrified because thank you had entered full blown gfgdom and things were *not* pretty. I spent most of her pregnancy wondering how I was going to keep thank you from hurting the new baby (literally).

    While Diva and Wee have their quirks, I'd have to say that they turned out remarkably "normal". Diva especially - if any of my kids should have been adversely affected by my pregnant state of mind, it would be her, and to be honest, she's my most well-adjusted kid.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, just so you all know, I am responsible for all the ills in the world so you can all forgive yourselves. I dont care what the shrinks say...its not your fault, its my fault! My mother told me so. If there was a hurricane or a war, it was my fault. If the fruit wasnt ripe, it was my fault. So I am completely positive all difficult child behavior can somehow be linked back to me. Positive.

    Seriously, depressed? Probably. Cant remember. With Billy, I got pregnant two and a half months after being kidnapped and raped. So yeah, I was probably something. The others, Jamie was pretty much planned. Cory...completely a surprise. I was so sick.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I was depressed with difficult child, but not with easy child. I've wondered how much a role that has played. But with the history of MI on my side of the family and with her dad definitely having some sort of personality disorder, I'd say there are too many factors to consider.

    I started to say that my difficult child is not antisocial, and while she may not have ASPD, from a societal perspective she is antisocial. And extremely egocentric.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Excellent post. There is a lot of evidence that stress and depression can affect the neo-natal baby.

    I have battled with that guilt for awhile, however, it is what it is.

    My X was gone every week for days at a time on a drug deal, drug binge, or with a prostitute. i remember thinking at the time, that my baby would never know what was going on. Yet, he would kick all night on the nights X was gone. Somehow, he knew.

    If I was able to do it over again, I would have walked away the minute I knew X was a beast - and never looked back. I would have gone to yoga, and started mediating. It would have all been so different. I was already the crazy healthy mom with no sugar or caffeine in my diet - if only I had known the toll of stress & my suicidal depression.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too am tired of mother's getting the lion's share of the blame if and when a child has a problem, particularly emotional or psychological in nature.
    on the other hand, I do suppose lack of certain neurotransmitters could alter biochemistry....but so many things come into play.
    My difficult child child is adopted, so this does not apply with-i our family. However, one could take a giant guess and say there is a good chance the bio mother had at least some depression given the high stress she was undoubtedly under during her pregnancy.

    But think about it...if mom is depressed during her pregnancy this also might mean the following:
    1. genetic tendency toward depression
    2. environmental stressors influencing mother and likely soon to be influencing the baby
    3. a new baby almost always tends to create additional stress and work, so if mother was depressed during her pregnancy, chances are she continued to have depression afterward thus influencing her newborn/toddler. and
    4. additional environmental stress can influence not only mother, but father as well. if no coping mechanisms are in place...this could create a very difficult and unhealthy place for a new baby....a bad start for a child

    All these things CAN play a role with- reference to the making of a difficult child. So, simply mentioning depression during pregnancy seems too simplistic to me. Major things to consider are genetics, personality, natural strengths and weaknesses and environment.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 26, 2010
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Let us not forget that, throughout history, women have been hunted, raped, enslaved, sold, besieged and fearful for their life. So how come there are some humans without psychological problems? Did every pregnant female survivor of the WWII concentration camps produce a mentally damaged child? How do you go through a horror such as that and NOT be depressed?

    Here they go again, blaming the mother.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    LOL Good points 3 S. :)

    I was giddy, happy as a lark when I was pregnant. The entire time. Even with all the complications I had with Travis. It was one of the ways I always knew I was preggers. I'd suddenly start feeling tons better than I did normally.

    I realize that the medical community is finally attempting to get some sort of understanding (real understanding) of mental illnesses and what causes them and such. That's a good thing. What worries me is that while they're tossing out wild theories during this *think tank* period which could last for decades..........There are far too many people out there who forget that theories are just guesses, not facts.

    in my humble opinion the medical community has just ever so barely skimmed the surface of what is going on with mental illness. I hope they continue to learn and grow and find answers along the way. I just wish they'd stop blabbling their latest theories all over the place while they're doing it.

    Not 20 yrs ago we'd finally dropped the ol' wives tales such as holding your hands above your head can wrap the cord around the baby's neck.......and being upset during pregnancy can seriously harm the baby. This theory, in my opinion is taking a step backward right back into the ol' wives tales.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Looking back, I was probably depressed during my pregnancy. I KNOW I was stressed to the max. Working a 60 hour week, dealing with Useless Boy's P/A games, including the one where he didn't even tell his folks I was pregnant until two weeks before my due date...add to that the fact that I HATED being pregnant, though I wasn't physically sick, I was miserable.

    Miss KT was almost two weeks late, and when the doctor induced labor, her heart rate went down, and I ended up having an emergency c-section. Did that affect her? Is it because her father has unresolved and undx'd issues? Was it the margarita I had before I knew I was pregnant? Was it because I went three months without prenatal care, because I was changing insurance and was afraid it would be considered a pre-existing condition?
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I have always assumed that was what happened with M. If not a physiological link, an inability on my part to be joyful in the birth of my son.
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Happy as a clam and healthy as a horse with both of mine.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The only time I gave birth (my 32 year old) I was so depressed I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for ten weeks. He does have some of the same issues I have. However, I don't really believe that my being depressed caused his problems. I think he inherited them and even if I hadn't been depressed during my pregnancy he would have gotten my lovely load of genes.
    Jeesh, I'm glad I only gave birth once though.
  16. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    No, I had 4 children and wasn't depressed while pregnant with any of them. The last 3 were all planned pregnancies and I had a very good marriage with a supportive husband. However, my difficult child 1, who is really the only true difficult child I have, has suffered from some anxiety and depression since she was small and her father was prone to depression too. Also, he died when she was 8 yrs old and that didn't help anything at all.

  17. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Very interesting post.

    I have never understood why my difficult child is a difficult child. I was very happy, it was a wanted and planned pregnancy (even though he is no. 8, my youngest). My pregnancy was normal and I wasn't depressed, and the birth was perfect, no medication and I was in complete control. I have never understood the "why" of his being a difficult child. It seems to me that there is not always an answer.

    Love, Esther
  18. ML

    ML Guest

    Star, been there done that and it's only recently that I was able to put down the bat and stop looking for the reasons that so often ended with me feeling like it was my fault. You may remember my circumstances, but this was a pregnancy 14 years in the planning lol. I wasn't depressed BUT I was anxious during much of it. I had pregnancy complicatioins and worried for the last couple months while on bedrest that I was going to lose the pregnancy or deliver early. I believe that worry did harm to manster but what can I do about it now? I just try to accept and focus on the blessings that come from it all. I would never have met all of you had I not had a difficult child. Stuff like that. Hugs, ml
  19. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I, too, was depressed during my pregnancy. The anxiety was probably more prominent, but both were present. Domestic violence issues and marital problems in general worsened during both of my pregnancies, which I have since learned is common.

    Several years ago, a counselor did ask me about that, not in an accusing way at all, but more as an academic curiousity. She and I had an established relationship by that point, and so I was not offended, but it did bother me. She shared that she had seen that pattern in her practice over the years and wondered if that were the case for us. Unfortunately, the answer was yes.
  20. jal

    jal Member

    No, I wasn't depressed. difficult child was planned. husband and I were stable with-regards to work, home & relationship. No morning sickness, easy pregnancy...A little drama at the end. 1 week overdue, induced labor and due to stress on difficult child's part,a c-section birth.

    No problems recovering from c-section. Had a 4 month maternity leave. difficult child slept through the night by 6 weeks & in his own room too. Breast fed like a champ. He was an awesome baby. It all went to h*ll around age 2.5-UGH!