We've arrived... in hell.

[HopeRemains]

Hi ladies. I just wanted to give you all an update... Little one and I have arrived safely at my brother's house (14 hours away from husband and SS). We've been here a few days. I knew the first day that I'd made a mistake. They painted a very different picture over the phone than what is happening now that I am here with no way to leave, sadly. I like and love my brother, but we've never been all that close. sister in law is a loudmouthed, ignorant and bossy person. I feel horrid saying that, but it's the honest truth and I have to hold my tounge many times a day.

sister in law works nights (if I'd known this, I would not have come out here with an upset, hyper 3 yr old) and sleeps days. So, LO has to be very quiet during the day or BR gets on him. Since day one they have both been fond of telling him he WILL get consequences here in their house. (He's been very good, and is frightened to even speak loud enough for me to hear him most of the time). BR has told him multiple times that "uncles are here to put a boot up his ass when he's misbehaving and give him an attaboy when he's done something good". sister in law told him on day one that if he misbehaves she will go down and get her "slatted board" for him to kneel on, "like they used to make her daughter do". WHAT???? I obviously told LO, very loudly, that no, he will never have to kneel on a board! Thankfully he was laughing because he thought she was teasing him! She keeps parenting LO, even if I am sitting right there, telling him how much food he HAS to eat, what he has to do, etc. Ugh.

BR told me over the phone that he had lots of video games here to keep LO occupied (he's addicted right now to video games)- and he does have TONS of games, a whole game room... only now, he won't let LO play them at all. I brought LO's wii but left my tv at home because BR told me he had 3 extra tv's I could hook it up to one of them... Now, he ignored me when I asked him about it. So I have to keep LO quiet during the day but he is so bored. My brother from home said he is buying LO a little tv and sending it to us soon, thank goodness!

So here we are... no money, not sure when brother from home can come and get us (couple of weeks, I hope)... and trying to make the best out of it, I guess, for LO. I jumped out of the fire into the frying pan here. I cannot WAIT to get back to my other brothers and get my own place!!!!! BR keeps pressuring me to get a job right now (been here 3 days now) and to live here. Are you KIDDING me??? TN right now has nothing to offer us but a freako sister in law and a jerk BR! (actually, we get alright, BR and I, I am just freaking out over his lack of compassion for LO! He treats his dogs like children and my son like a dog... wtFFFF? Sorry.)

 

[BusynMember]

OMG, so sorry. Hang in there and keep crossing off the days!

 

[HopeRemains]

Thanks, MWM. It would be easier if I knew just how many days I had to tick off!

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry that what you jumped into is not what you were told it would be. Hopefully, you can go to your other brother's house soon.

 

[recoveringenabler]

HR, yikes, it sounds bad. Do not lose sight of the big picture here, you did a very brave thing in leaving where you were, and the good news is that this is temporary. Can you push the leaving date ahead with your other brother and move quicker? Perhaps if your other brother knew the circumstances of how you are living, he would come and get you sooner? Do you have an attorney who can get you immediate child support/spousal support so at least you have some money?

Hang in there, it will change. My experience is that when you make a massive change like you are, there is usually a period of transition, an adjustment period where you are in a sort of limbo. This will pass, you will get to your other brothers soon and you can settle in there. Is that your intention, of settling in there, gaining some financial base and then moving into your own place?

Someone once told me this analogy for growth...........it's like a bird who wants to fly higher and in order to do so he has to jump from one thermal to a higher thermal to gain altitude. Once he makes that courageous jump out of the thermal, he is thrown around in between by all the wind and weather, it's a risk and he has little control of anything until he lands in the next thermal. But once he arrives, he's where he wanted to be, he's gained altitude, he is liberated from the confines of the former residence. Right now, you're flying around in between thermals! It's dramatic and feels unsafe, but you will land in your new residence soon.

The kind of courage you displayed to protect your youngest son and leave an environment which was filled with denial has it's rewards, however, sometimes you have to go through a period of transition before you feel them. I think you're doing a wonderful job and this period does suck, but hang tough, things will get better, things will smooth out and you'll look back and this period will simply be a tiny blip on your radar screen. (((HUGS)))

 

[buddy]

oh wow, sending you do much love and support. hope you can get somewhere comfortable soon.....

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry that it is so stressful for both of you. I've been trying to brainstorm to see if there is anyway to ease the tension. Frankly I think it's likely more difficult for all four of you than anticipated. If your bro and sister in law do not have small children I can understand that it would be upsetting have the noise and curiosity and activity of a toddler in the house. The lifestyle that they are comfortable with can't be achieved with company. Sigh! Yes, I know, you can't get comfortable either. I'm sorry.

Do you live near community activities? Is there a bus line available? Is there a park nearby? How about a church day care center where he "might" be accepted as a "visitor" with you helping out the staff? Most towns and cities have libraries where you can check out games, movies, books...and some of them have toddler hours where for an hour a librarian or volunteer reads to the children.

Obviously I don't have "the" answer but my suggestion for you is to quietly observe what the schedule of the household is or was. Maybe, for example, they need quiet time in the morning to prepare for work or their day. (I hate noise in the morning, lol, and had to survive decades of am child noise.) Does your son have a schedule that might be changed just a bit so that his presence isn't dominating their down time? Fingers crossed that "maybe" you'll be able to analyze how to reduce tensions until you are able to relocate. Keep in mind that your Bro may be a PITA but he did invite you to come to his home. Alot of siblings would not have even made the offer. Hugs DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

See now this is where I would be happy to allow a sibling come stay with us. This is a situation I can understand.

Though like DDD says a young child can disrupt the normal routine of a couple with no kids. I would look around for some programs your son can access during the day for the time being. I found the most amazing help when Cory and Jamie were little through the United Way. It was a mother's morning out program that ran every morning of the week from 9-12:30. They served them lunch. It was supposed to be a first come first served basis but they felt so sorry for me with my two hellions that they saved me two spots every day...lol. The quid pro quo was that I allow them to use my kids pictures in their United Way pamphlets. Sure, I didnt mind. They took some adorable black and white pictures of them.

 

[DDD]

I relate Janet. I authorized GFGmom's picture being used in a published book back in the 60's. Yep...and she ended up on the cover. Good Grief. BUT I was working three jobs to support my children and primarily to pay for private school for GFGmom. You do what you have to do when you seek help for difficult child's...darn it! DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Arrrghh! I am so glad you have another brother! It sounds hideous! I'm so sorry. Hang tight.

 

[dstc_99]

Well that just sucks! Keep in mind this is just for a short time though. Do everything you can to get easy child out of the home and away from them so they can have their peace and you can keep your sanity. Also I know you are a visitor in their home but the child they are speaking to is yours. You don't have to be an ass but you do have the right to stand up for yourself and let them know you don't deal with your child that way and find it offensive that they do.

Dont put yourself into the position of leaving a bully and moving in with two more. You are asking for help and you are greatful. Show them that by helping around the house and respecting their things. Ask that they return the favor!

 

[HopeRemains]

Okay... Well, my brother from home will be coming to get us this weekend. I had felt like things were getting a little bit better, but still felt that they were too hard on the little one. Well, yesterday, we went out shopping for a bit. Brother was pushing the cart and little one started slapping his hands (he shouldn't do that, but that's how he plays with husband and I didn't even think about it or I would have pushed the cart!). By the time I realized what was going on, it was little one laughing because Bro had taken his little fist and was squeezing it very tight, little one thought he was still playing. Then, little one looked pained. Bro let go and then said, "Oh, come on, let's play again! Oh, you done???" He wanted little one to slap his hand again so he could squeeze his hand again. That's the short version of the day... Well, at bedtime, I was cuddling with little on and saw that his hand has marks on it from were Bro squeezed! Little one didn't complain about it and said it didn't hurt when I asked him about it, but I AM LIVID. I don't know how I can look my Bro in the eye today or refrain from hitting him in the head with a frying pan!!! The marks are still there today.

My choices are to call the police and file charges on Bro, then find a shelter to stay in until other Brother gets here this weekend. I really don't want little one to have to go through that. Or, just try to suck it up and stay in our room or play outside until other Brother gets here. I haven't told my family at home what happened yet, they would be infuriated. And I've recently been told by sister in law that they have a loaded gun in their room and that she's pulled knives on other roommates in the past! What is going on here???? I know this sounds like some crazy hillbilly stuff, I feel like I'm stuck in a horrilbe reality tv show! Now I have to figure out what to say to Bro as an excuse for leaving. WHY, you ask? Because I just want to leave this state and never look back to this part of the family again! So much for being so happy that people are willing to help out. I just want my baby safe.

 

[Ktllc]

Since your other brother will be picking you up this weekend, I'd say keep your son with you at all times and try to spend as much time as you can outside of the house.
As far as why you are leaving, you should keep it really short: "thanks for your hospitality. other bro is going to take over until I find a suitable living situation". You do not have to explain yourself and you probably don't want to start a conversation that will feel like quick sand: no matter what you say, bro won't take it good.
Have you worked on a plan yet? (job, daycare, housing, transportation, social and charitable organization which could help you).
It probably feels awful to be in this position, but keep in mind that you left a very bad situation. Allow yourself some time to find a healthy path.

 

[HopeRemains]

My plan has always pivotted on when husband gets taxes back... that way I will be able to get a place or a car. Brother says he plans on getting me a beater car soon and that we can stay with him until I get on my feet. I keep asking myself WHY I didn't just go there in the first place, he did offer. But I know why, because there wasn't a set date on when I should go there, there was with this trip. It was do or die and the only thing that could get me over that mental barrier. Anyhow, even if husband doesn't give me any money, I will get a job while staying at brother's house asap and get on my feet all the same. I feel like I just made a pitstop in the twilight zone, but it's all going to be okay...

 

[Ktllc]

I'm glad you are able to see passed this "pitstop". It this way of thinking that will allow you to overcome any obstacle.

 

[DDD]

Hang in there and stick like glue to your child. I guess most of us don't know what goes on in other people's homes and I'm sure it has been a shock to find dysfunction at the brothers. on the other hand the weekend is almost here. I agree that a simple "thank you so much for sharing your home with us" should do the trick. I'm sending thoughts of admiration, and caring your way. It is not easy being a Warrior Mom but you're doing a great job protecting your easy child. Hugs DDD

 

[buddy]

Oh my word, I'm so glad you're leaving. let us know you're ok!

 

[HopeRemains]

buddy- we are okay right now. I've been holing up in our "room" and saying I'm not feeling well, which is not a lie. Good news is that they will be here tomorrow to pick us up, bad news is that I feel some strange guilt over having to tell xbrother I am leaving??? I feel like I need to make up a lie to tell him and it is making me sick with myself. It's not my fault that he has some strange fixation that he wants me to make this state my home. I've told him from the get go that this is like a trip for us, for me to clear my head, but they both still insists that I should start applying for jobs and start looking into schools for LO! I feel like a very weak person that I need to justify why I am leaving after how he's/they've treated my child! I am nervous and my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what to say/do.

 

[DDD]

How 'bout the truth minus the details? I am not good at telling lies but over the years I have learned to make the best choices I can and keep it short and sweet. I am SO glad that tomorrow is blast off day.

Since I don't know the personalities involved AND I don't know what your brothers know about your reasons for relocating..here are some simple suggestions. Most importantly, however, is that you are comfortable with what you choose to say.

"Bill and Sue I'm not sure how to share this with you and I do not want to hurt your feelings. As you know I felt I was in a very bad situation recently and there is no way to explain how really wonderful it was to know that I could turn to you for help. That you were ready to welcome us into your home gave me good reason to feel comfortable packing up and moving. Thank you. I also know that you feel x city would be a wonderful place for me to settle in for the future since it is home to you. on the other hand I just don't believe this is the best community choice for me. Although I truly don't "know" where I should start over I am sure it is not this city. Tomorrow I plan to move to Y city in hopes that it will feel more like home to me. I'm embarrassed that I can't accept your hospitality as much as I do know it was difficult for you to change your homelife on our behalf. John has agreed to pick us up tomorrow so I can see how Y city fits our needs. I'm lucky to have two brothers who are willing to support me during this time. As much as it may not seem logical to the two of you I just feel that I am meant to relocate to Y."

No further explanation and no negative comments are needed. They did do you a service and you do appreciate that you were welcomed. The rest of it....well, that's between you and you. I would not share unhappy details with the family as it likely would lead to future problems. Leave it short and simple. You tried x and now you need to try y.
You can share here all the stressful details so you can vent as you move forward. I grew up with siblings and although there was no aggresion...not everybody lives by the same rules. I have raised siblings that include some who prefer not to keep much company with some others. The less negativity shared the better. Take my word on that, lol. Sending more hugs and admiration your way. DDD

 

[HopeRemains]

DDD- Thank you, I appreciate your suggestions. If I had some guts right now, I would say that to them. I am not sure right now why I have no guts. Probably because I feel stuck in the middle of nowhere with some possibly volitile people and I loathe confrontation most of the time and fear they will be aggressive or nasty after I tell them. I think, though, that I have found my lie (which I am horrible at telling lies, too, so in less severe circumstances, I usually am painfully honest.). I think I will tell them that my brother's wife has secured a job where she works for me and I need to start next week. Simple and not that far of a stretch, as she has said she could possibly get me a job there.