What a WEEKEND!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by neednewtechnique, May 6, 2007.

  1. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    Oh my, our difficult child had a rough weekend. She seemed to be in a permanent state of "Vapor Lock" the whole weekend, and there was no "difusing" anything. She went straight into meltdown every single time we even tried to TALK to her, not even a CHANCE for us to try to help her work through any problem. We tried to find out what was going on, and she blamed it all on PMS...which would be almost believable, if she were even HAVING her period at all. She hasn't started yet.... Which brings me to a question, sort of. I have heard that some adolescent girls will start to show signs of PMS before they actually start their period, like a few months before, but has anyone heard if that is actually true?

    I am so glad that we have an appointment with psychiatrist in two weeks. I am going to ask for some time to speak with psychiatrist alone this time. My problem thus far is that, our difficult child doesn't like to talk about her fits, so I am left with the responsibility of relaying that information to the powers that be....which for the time being has to be okay, otherwise it won't get done. Now, I don't mind discussing her bad behavior with HER after a fit so that we can sort of, rehash things and figure out what we could have done differently...but I absolutely REFUSE to go into someplace and talk to someone else about how awful our difficult child behaves right in front of her. I feel BAD talking about her bad behavior to others in front of her, because I simply cannot let her know that it gets to me, or we are going completely backwards. But in order to get psychiatrist to really understand what is going on at home, I have to be able to get it ALL out... if that makes any sense.

    The thing that has been hanging over my husband and I's head since she moved in with us FINALLY came out to our difficult child this weekend. We had suspected that she was allowing herself to get to that point of losing control simply because she was hoping that if she could be awful enough, we would just give up on her and decide she could not live here, and then she could go back to her dear mum.... I finally, after all this time, just came out and asked her, point blank, if that is what she was trying to do... of course, she didn't answer me. But then I proceeded to tell her that it didn't matter, because we loved her and no matter HOW bad things got, we were NOT giving up on her and that NOTHING she could do would EVER make us stop loving her or make us give up on her, and she was actually DISAPPOINTED at hearing that!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  2. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #000099"> this is fairly common behavior in kids removed from their primary caregiver. she will continue to test you & husband.....over & over & over again. in truth you & husband may never completely convince her you are in this for the long haul.

    i know that you are probably the person who interacts with-her the most. if husband goes to the psychiatrist/therapist appts then he should be the one telling psychiatrist about her behaviors. i think it's really important that he take the lead where his daughter is concerned. not saying you need to sit quietly by.....just let him take the lead. the same should happen at home. it will make her feel more secure in his love for her....feel his commitment. it also stops making you the *bad guy* if you Know what I mean?.

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  3. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    I think maybe you can try and empathize with her feelings. I have noticed that daughter is very on edge , very tense and irritable. The doctor can take over and ask questions, do you feel your mom is in tune withyour feelings, what happens next , how does this effect how you react - the idea is to ask questions, not be judgmental , empathetic in trying to help her. Maybe you can talk to the doctor on the phone before the meeting.
    Isuggest a buddy-tutor , older sister as a confidant to help here work out her issues.

  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry the weekend was so rough. I hope the psychiatrist will be helpful. Too bad it is still two weeks away. I think it's good you told difficult child your in it for the long haul no matter what. Even if she seemed disappointed and keeps testing (which she will) I think it's important for her to hear. I know with my difficult child when I tell him we love him no matter what and always will he will yell back well I don't love you. I still think on some level they are glad to hear it. Hugs to you.
  5. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Maybe there can be a time for parents to talk to psychiatrist alone? Maybe you could contact him ahead of time with this request, or is there a way to email him the information ahead of time? It sounds like it is information he needs to know about.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm so sorry your weeekend was so trying.

    In the early days of treatment with our kids' psychiatrists, we kept a daily log of behaviors (short sentences of behaviors, how we reacted, how the kids reacted back). We faxed it over to the psychiatrists before the appointment. We also sometimes left lengthy messages on their office voice mails so they could get a sense of what was going on before we even landed in the office. What frequently happened was that the psychiatrist would see the child alone and then follow up in a telephone call or a separate appointment with husband and me so we could make a treatment plan together. I don't know if this sort of scenario would work for you and husband.

    Sending gentle hugs your way.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That makes sense. Sigh.
    What a rough weekend. You all must be exhausted.
    I don't know about the pre-hormone stuff. I think your "acting out" Q is more accurate.
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I agree with kris.....kids removed from their primary caregiver really struggle to trust any new living situation. They will test & try you; they want to be kicked out before they develop an attachment to you. Why bother if they are going to be moved?

    Reasonable - not at all. It tends to be the reality of children who have been moved about.

    As for psychiatrist - if nothing else write out concerns & behaviors of note. If you must do the talking, do so in a very detached manner - almost as if you are a 3rd party reporting in. Use no emotion in front of difficult child during this time.

    Even though kt & wm have been with us for 6 plus years they still struggle to accept our love - trust us. Unfortunately, wm ended in a group home due to his high level of attachment disorder - would not let us parent.

    Good luck at psychiatrist appointment.
  9. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    This is where things get tough. Our difficult child still has her bio mom up on such a high pedestal that no one can touch her. Forget the fact that mum repeatedly chose her drugs over her daughter, forget that mum brought all the abusive, drunken, idiot boyfriends around her daughter night after night, and forget that even after she found out she could LOSE HER DAUGHTER FOREVER if she didn't stop using drugs, CONTINUED to chose her drugs over her daughter. In our difficult child's mind, mum can do no wrong and she won't be happy until EVERYONE she comes in contact with is so MISERABLE that they can't live with her, because she thinks that in the end, there won't be anyone left and they will let her go back to mum.

    That is a pretty heavy statement, I know, and believe me, I didn't just make that up on my own, THAT was words right out of her mouth, when she WASN"T having a meltdown.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Don't fight this .... bio mom will always be important in difficult children life. You can comment on choices she made but never ever put bio mom down in front of a difficult child. difficult child will defend her to the death & nothing will be accomplished.

    And our difficult children grieve over the loss of a parent. In reality, our difficult children are very angry with bio mom - though they would never admit it out loud. How could bio mom choose drugs over me? What did I do wrong .... what could I have done differently?

    There are no answers to those questions.

    Therapy with a therapist who specializes in attachment issues would be your best bet. A therapist who understands the PTSD component of all of this & the anger directed at you - the female primary caregiver.

    I'm sorry that difficult child is so very unstable & angry right now. I hope things calm down soon.
  11. ROE

    ROE New Member

    I agree with Timer Lady. difficult child's really grieve the loss of a parent no matter what the circumstances are.

    In the early years of my divorce dex was horrid to me especially, and often difficult child. He would refuse to take him on weekends that he was supposed to have him whenever it suited him, often at the last minute. He shunned him completely for a period of four months (he got mad at him for defending me). This time period included difficult child's birthday and Christmas. difficult child loved his father unconditionally through out it all. He would've defended him to the hilt (he never had to defend him with me I did a pretty good job of not bad mouthing him to difficult child regardless of how I really felt).

    In fact, and I will Never Ever Tell difficult child this, before the divorce was final, he spoke to a lawyer about giving up his parental rights. He told me that he could not handle him. I begged him not to do it. On the one hand it would have made my life easier in many respects, but I knew it would Crush difficult child and cause irreparable damage. None of this had anything to do with child support either because he does not provide any...another story. Dex had some of his own MI issues at the time

    Undoubtedly, dex's antics caused some damage, kids don't forget that kind of pain even when they forgive it. Presently, dex and difficult child do have a good relationship.

    I would not spend any time bad mouthing bio mom. If it came up, I would be more likely to say to difficult child that her mom has some problems, illness, whatever words suit you, she loves difficult child but she can't take care of her...something along those lines, and then reinterate that you will always be there and how important she is in your life.
  12. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #000099"> i know that it seems totally illogical that difficult child remains steadfast in her loyalty to bio while you are steadfast in loving her & providing a stable environment for her. but for difficult child there is no logic in the situation.....and she's hurting like hell. she knows in her heart of hearts that her mom chose drugs/men over her. she just can't understand why. in truth who of us can really understand why a woman would do that??? when difficult child is hateful to you it's really her deep pain speaking. doesn't make it hurt you any less, but there it is.

    it can get better. linda's suggestion of looking for a therapist with-a deep understanding of attachment issues might help.

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