what are "my" rights...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sjexpress, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    difficult child has been unbearable lately. We seem to go in cycles of managable to horrible. Some weeks good, some awful. This past week we are in crisis again. Every little thing sets him off in a rage of anger, hate and aggression. I don't understand why. He says no one in this family loves him, we treat him bad, don't let him do what he wants, always tell him what to do ( do homework, shower, brush teeth, put jacket on....normal parent things). He could not be any more defient or beligerant towards us. He wants to run the house and we do not back down to allow it so all heck breaks lose. He says he is going to leave because we all hate him and the family would be better off without him. I try to talk to him but he tells me to shut up. Says he wants to be left alone but yet he leaves no one alone and always instigates problems with us and little brother. I have never met someone so nasty, angry,defient, hateful or hurtful. I can't believe he is mine! How did things get so out of control? I feel like a hostage in my own home. He screams at us, defies us, shoves us around, blocks our way if we try to walk around him because he says he is not done with us. I had appointment. for neuropsychologist. but ins. said we had no coverage for that. I now have names of psychiatrists to contact today. I don't even know how to get difficult child to go since he refuses to admit he needs help and says he won't get into the car. What are my rights...do husband and I and my easy child need to live like this being verbally ans sometimes phsyically abused until he is 18 (he is only 10 now)? He is torturing easy child with meanness and I feel so bad for him. Sorry for venting. I have no one else as we lost any friends and I limit family visits due to difficult child behavior. I have spent the days crying so much that me eyes are swollen. Thanks for listening.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well he sounds like a perfect little angel...lol. Good news is you have plenty of rights and you hold all the cards. He may want to think he can be a little tyrant but he really has no power to actually make you do anything. You are the parents and can make his decisions for him.

    Now, how to do that is the million dollar question!

    Your son is ten. You can force him to go to treatment. You cant force him to talk but you can get him there. It might take two adults in the car to make sure its safe, but so be it. My kid knew it was a moot point to argue about such things as doctors and medications. I would take it to the mat.

    You can remove all his important stuff. No electronics, no friends, no playtime. Take away his nice clothes and shoes. Good will stuff. Dont make his favorite foods. CPS requires a mattress on the floor, blankets, pillow, a few changes of clothing, edible food, a roof and medical care. Edible has to be stuff like pb and j, oatmeal, liver and onions, ...you get my drift. No one said he needs 100 dollar shoes or levi jeans.

    Rock his world if he wont comply.

    Sometimes it takes it.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Hugs to you. My 11 year old difficult child is exactly the same way. We took him over the summer to a neuropsychologist to have him fully evaluated. When he heard me on the phone making the appointment he went into a full screaming tantrum that lasted the rest of the night and went into the next day. He swore that if I made him go he was going to go back to being as bad as he was before I started having him see a therpist and that it would be all my fault. Oh, really? If you feel that he needs to be evaluated by the psychiatrist, then take him. difficult child tried to play divide and conquer between husband and myself and when he realized that it was not going to work, it got worse. The day of the evaluation came, though, and he went quietly and cooperated. I was prepared for him to be awful, and in a way I was hoping that he would be so that the psychiatrist could see exactly what I was talking about. difficult child does what your son does. It's never, ever his fault. It's always someone else who gets him into trouble and we blame him because we hate him. We started him on Celexa for anxiety and it has helped. He will never behave like easy child does, which is something that I have had to come to terms with, but the medications make him easier to handle when he feels like things are spinning out of control.

    Have the neuropsychologist evaluation done and see if your pediatrician can recommend a therapist that will work with him. If you can figure out why he is screaming and throwing fits, maybe you and he together can figure out different ways to handle things. If you know that getting his homework done each day is a trigger for trouble, find another way to deal with the battle. A family counselor can help you with that. For my son, it's a control thing. He wants to think that he is the one calling the shots. So, we give him choices. Will you take your shower tonight or tomorrow morning? Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? He still has to take shower and get dressed, but he making the decisions about when, which is a big thing for my difficult child.

    I know how you feel. Get the evaluations done and then go from there.

  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    If you can't get him in the car, ask for police assistance. When you call, explain that you have a mentally ill child and you need assistance getting him into the car for a psychiatrist appointment.

    I would leave the taking stuff away until after the psychiatrist appointment. You're going to need something to use when he refuses to take medications.

    Other than that, don't engage him. If he wants to scream at you, let him, but don't respond. If he attacks you - I was going to say to something else, but with the level of control he seems to think he has, I would call the police. Not to have him arrested, but to have someone in authority tell him that he can't do that. They won't arrest him unless he tries to attack them, and at his age that's not even a given. They will tell him, though, (or should) that if they have to keep coming back, they will take him in. If you do call - or anytime you call - make sure to tell them that he is mentally ill.

    That's just my two cents.
  5. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I am soooo sorry. I know your pain and completely understand how you feel. My difficult child is exactly the same too, except he is 8 and his little brother is 3. Wanna be my best friend? :tongue: None of my regular friends understand what it is like. It is exactly how you describe. He was diagnosis'd when he was 5 with ADHD (which was a shock at the time) and ODD. He is very smart and has a high IQ - in the superior range. We have tried several stimulants over the past few years. Our new psychiatrist wants to try an antidepressant. First we are trying an increase in his Concerta. He will also begin seeing a counselor tomorrow - which I have no idea how that will work because I don't think he will participate.

    It is definitely a tough road and very taxing on you, your marriage, and your other child. Try to take care of yourself.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Jan. Sounds similar to Miss KT at that age...and even though my (enabler) mother hated it, I used to tell Miss KT that if she didn't like the rules, she could go live somewhere else. Having a police officer visit and talk to your son is a great idea; it made a HUGE impression on Miss KT. We also took away the important stuff, didn't buy snack stuff she liked, refused to take her anywhere, and made her live with the results of her actions (which is why she still has no bedroom door, and there are still holes in her bedroom walls).

    I can't even count the number of times I told Miss KT "you are NOT the boss, you are NOT in charge, you are a child, you do NOT give orders, and you do what I say you do...and if you don't like the rules in this house, go live with your father, or Nana, or Grandma." We also got the "you hate me, everybody hates me" stuff, and the refusal on jacket wearing, etc. So freeze then...not my problem...but I will not bring a jacket to school for you. Logical consequences.

    More hugs. It's so hard, and then our difficult children make it harder than it has to be.
  7. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    HUGS Jan.... My signature is almost identical to yours. The only difference I see is that my easy child is 7 ... I wish I could give some advice but on MANY occasions we have the same upheval in our home .... take a deep breath and try and do something for yourself and take alittle break from difficult child (even it is only an hour) I hope therapy brings some calm.
  8. idohope

    idohope Member

    Yes, your house sounds a lot like mine. Huge issues to get difficult child to therapist or psychiatrist appointment. psychiatrist allowed us to bring our pet to the office and even with that he had to come out to car as difficult child would not come in. As someone else suggested make sure you have two adults (or three if needed; one on each side of difficult child and one driving). Our difficult child actually wound up going rather easily (for her) to this appointment and after we got home had a record rage. She was trying to make sure we would never try to get her to go back there again.

    Although we never did have to call the police our statement that we would call them would sometimes be the thing that would stop the viloence against us. It was not an idle threat. Several times if difficult child had not stopped hitting me or threatening with scissors after first warning that I was about to call 911 I would have called them. No one should have to live with that.

    You and your family do deserve some peace so pick your battles very carefully. Is tooth brushing or sitting at the dinner table worth the tantrum and the toll on the entire family? Focus on non-negotiable safety related issues for now (buckling seat belt etc). This is not giving up or giving in. It does not mean you will never ask your child to brush his teeth. It just means this particular item can wait until you have better techniques or a medication regime in place.

    We have often felt hostage to difficult child so I understand what you are feeling. I hope that you get difficult child to the psychiatrist and that you get some help.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in understanding hugs. My difficult child is a lot how you describe yours as far as wanting to be left alone (yet not leaving anyone alone), blocking when we try to go by, instigating problems with us and siblings. Somehow he needs to get to that psychiatrist appointment. (and safely). Others have had good suggestions on that. Like Janet, I would go to the mat on appts and medications. He knows his world stops (he can do nothing else) unless he agrees (more of a problem with medications than the doctor).