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What are REAL relationships like?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 566107" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Ditto to this. To me it sounds like your husband is controlling you because he feels out of control. It has probably a lot to do with anxiety.</p><p></p><p>Those TV-shows are just TV-shows. The ones with relationship stuff are made for women and the relationships in them are made to look that production thinks women would like the relationships and men be. They are simply not real.</p><p></p><p>However there are different kinds of relationships and power and control can be divided different ways. Around here where i live, power balance in relationships tends to be strongly tipped to women advantage. Women tend to make the everyday big decisions and men do mostly heavy lifting. In really big decisions also mens tend to get a veto though. It often works just fine, men don't have to take responsibility of every day matters, just do as they are told, women get to decide how things are done and both can complain (men that they are treated like kids and women that they have to make everything happen.) </p><p></p><p>My own marriage goes bit against the norm around here. My husband is loud and likes to control many things. When we married I came part of his and his family's life, not so much other way around. We for example live in the house that has always belonged to his family, we are living surrounded by his family, all the family things are done with his family etc. I wanted that and I'm mostly okay with that still. My husband is also social and outgoing and takes a lead publicly. I tend to follow and smile and nod and be pleasant. So for the outsiders it probably looks like husband is certainly the one controlling our family life. </p><p></p><p>More privately we have separated our responsibilities and we don't much interfere to other ones responsibility areas and decisions made in those. Of course for the big things especially when it comes to kids we do interfere if we feel a need. husband tends to be more vocal also privately and wants to make decisions, but he does listen when I put my foot down. And if I really want something I tend to get it.</p><p></p><p>Our finances are only partly combined. We both have our own accounts and we have combined saving account for bigger purchases together. Our everyday expenses we have divided so that husband pays the bills, I buy food and kids clothes. He makes more money than I so he pays bigger part of our expenses but we are both left with some of our own money too. husband more than I because his bigger income but he also contributes more to our joined savings account. We don't much question how other one is using their 'own money' and only discuss about big purchases (like cars and such.) We both also have our own investments and property, much of it being non-marital property. I have to say that I wouldn't be able to live in relationship without my own money. Even if finances are tight it is very important to have some own money because without that one has to feel trapped even if the spouse would be providing well. When kids were young I was home few years and that was something I wouldn't had been willing to do if I hadn't had some of my own money also then. Other than those years I have been working and it has always been important for me to know that I could provide myself and my kids by myself. Even when husband has much higher income and his income makes it possible to have a lifestyle we have and I enjoy that, for my self esteem it has been important to know that I can make it also without him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 566107, member: 14557"] Ditto to this. To me it sounds like your husband is controlling you because he feels out of control. It has probably a lot to do with anxiety. Those TV-shows are just TV-shows. The ones with relationship stuff are made for women and the relationships in them are made to look that production thinks women would like the relationships and men be. They are simply not real. However there are different kinds of relationships and power and control can be divided different ways. Around here where i live, power balance in relationships tends to be strongly tipped to women advantage. Women tend to make the everyday big decisions and men do mostly heavy lifting. In really big decisions also mens tend to get a veto though. It often works just fine, men don't have to take responsibility of every day matters, just do as they are told, women get to decide how things are done and both can complain (men that they are treated like kids and women that they have to make everything happen.) My own marriage goes bit against the norm around here. My husband is loud and likes to control many things. When we married I came part of his and his family's life, not so much other way around. We for example live in the house that has always belonged to his family, we are living surrounded by his family, all the family things are done with his family etc. I wanted that and I'm mostly okay with that still. My husband is also social and outgoing and takes a lead publicly. I tend to follow and smile and nod and be pleasant. So for the outsiders it probably looks like husband is certainly the one controlling our family life. More privately we have separated our responsibilities and we don't much interfere to other ones responsibility areas and decisions made in those. Of course for the big things especially when it comes to kids we do interfere if we feel a need. husband tends to be more vocal also privately and wants to make decisions, but he does listen when I put my foot down. And if I really want something I tend to get it. Our finances are only partly combined. We both have our own accounts and we have combined saving account for bigger purchases together. Our everyday expenses we have divided so that husband pays the bills, I buy food and kids clothes. He makes more money than I so he pays bigger part of our expenses but we are both left with some of our own money too. husband more than I because his bigger income but he also contributes more to our joined savings account. We don't much question how other one is using their 'own money' and only discuss about big purchases (like cars and such.) We both also have our own investments and property, much of it being non-marital property. I have to say that I wouldn't be able to live in relationship without my own money. Even if finances are tight it is very important to have some own money because without that one has to feel trapped even if the spouse would be providing well. When kids were young I was home few years and that was something I wouldn't had been willing to do if I hadn't had some of my own money also then. Other than those years I have been working and it has always been important for me to know that I could provide myself and my kids by myself. Even when husband has much higher income and his income makes it possible to have a lifestyle we have and I enjoy that, for my self esteem it has been important to know that I can make it also without him. [/QUOTE]
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