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What are REAL relationships like?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 566156" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Army Wife.......</p><p></p><p>Hi and Hugs. Big ones. I think a lot of people have suggested many wonderful things either from a perspective of what they've been through or from a perspective of what they feel would be right. Until you actually live with someone that is a control freak, to the point of picking out your clothes, and choosing what shampoo will be purchased regardless of why kind of hair you have, that is very much MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY in his personality and thinking to an extreme? It's hard to be a free thinker and imagine having your every move controlled. I had no free will...and odder yet was the fact that mine was on drugs 90% of the time and addle brained - so he wasn't around TO make the decisions that put him in control - so if I made a decision outside of HIS thinking? The abuse was worse. I guess what I'm saying is I don't walk in your shoes so I don't know how severe your isolation is. I do know that if I cried? I got beat for it. After a while it got to the point where I had no tears left. None. The mind control and the abuse were of a level hardly seen by even my therapist. AND I knew it was going on, but I felt so helpless to do anything about it. It was like if I tried to make a move and change anything to help myself he would have surely killed me for it for exposing ANYTHING he deemed as a weakness in running his "ship". (hope that makes sense).....</p><p></p><p>So what I did was -----pretend to go out and shoot pool, and have a drink or two with a friend on Tuesdays and what I really did was go to counseling through Mental Health. I had suggested the marriage counseling for both of us.....at ten years of marriage? We were beyond an impasse. He even wanted to renew our vows, and to me that was sublime because I kept thinking - You never honored the first ones. WHY make a mockery again. When I kept putting off the ceremony? I took a beating, but in a sense for me it was worth it. I kept on with therapy for over a year to devise a plan for MY LIFE. Not necessarily HOW to leave him....or what was wrong with HIM.....but to figure out and prove to everyone else......that "IT IS SOOOOOO NOT ME" that has the problem. See.....and I'm saying this from my heart....and brain....(years later) but while he is controling and manipulative and has issues? So do you. Lots of them. At this point in your life? You're asking US "Why do I stay????" And the serious truth of that is......"WE DON"T KNOW"......the answer to that question lies in your past, and how you reacted to situations in your youth, and tons of things that formed your personality and made you who y ou are and created the person that is the one that accepted this man for his behaviors......and .......WHY you stay. There is an answer to the why....but it is a journey for YOURSELF to figure it out. It's an awesome one that you don't have to face alone.....but you do have to initiate. </p><p></p><p>IF he won't go? If he feels he has NO ISSUES? Well-----what did you expect him to say?????? Seriously???? "UM....Oh yes I''ve been meaning to talk to you about that darling, I see you are unhappy, and I'm just not able to respond to you, YES YES lets do therapy and work on MY issues of how I treat you like dung?" ..........<-------SURE that will happen........OR you can get yourself into some FREE/SLIDING scale therapy.....and figure out WHAT IN THE H@()* is up with YOUR life and WHY you put up with the WHAT y ou do.....and WHERE you are going and WHEN you are going to make changes.......and HOW to get yourself HAPPY. Don't depend on anyone else to figuire that out......YOU DO IT. </p><p></p><p>And by the way......if it takes 12 years........to do that? Well then? That is 12 years that you could have spent doing NOTHING......and being MISERABLE......with NO end game ressult OR.........12 years invested in YOURSELF wiith goals towards your happiness, possibly figuring out what makes you tick, do you WANT to salvage this relationship ........why do you.......don't you? And have a better life. Maybe with maybe without him. That's up to you. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps.......But I'll be damned if Ill ever sneak around to do what I like because it makes someone in control angry. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 566156, member: 4964"] Army Wife....... Hi and Hugs. Big ones. I think a lot of people have suggested many wonderful things either from a perspective of what they've been through or from a perspective of what they feel would be right. Until you actually live with someone that is a control freak, to the point of picking out your clothes, and choosing what shampoo will be purchased regardless of why kind of hair you have, that is very much MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY in his personality and thinking to an extreme? It's hard to be a free thinker and imagine having your every move controlled. I had no free will...and odder yet was the fact that mine was on drugs 90% of the time and addle brained - so he wasn't around TO make the decisions that put him in control - so if I made a decision outside of HIS thinking? The abuse was worse. I guess what I'm saying is I don't walk in your shoes so I don't know how severe your isolation is. I do know that if I cried? I got beat for it. After a while it got to the point where I had no tears left. None. The mind control and the abuse were of a level hardly seen by even my therapist. AND I knew it was going on, but I felt so helpless to do anything about it. It was like if I tried to make a move and change anything to help myself he would have surely killed me for it for exposing ANYTHING he deemed as a weakness in running his "ship". (hope that makes sense)..... So what I did was -----pretend to go out and shoot pool, and have a drink or two with a friend on Tuesdays and what I really did was go to counseling through Mental Health. I had suggested the marriage counseling for both of us.....at ten years of marriage? We were beyond an impasse. He even wanted to renew our vows, and to me that was sublime because I kept thinking - You never honored the first ones. WHY make a mockery again. When I kept putting off the ceremony? I took a beating, but in a sense for me it was worth it. I kept on with therapy for over a year to devise a plan for MY LIFE. Not necessarily HOW to leave him....or what was wrong with HIM.....but to figure out and prove to everyone else......that "IT IS SOOOOOO NOT ME" that has the problem. See.....and I'm saying this from my heart....and brain....(years later) but while he is controling and manipulative and has issues? So do you. Lots of them. At this point in your life? You're asking US "Why do I stay????" And the serious truth of that is......"WE DON"T KNOW"......the answer to that question lies in your past, and how you reacted to situations in your youth, and tons of things that formed your personality and made you who y ou are and created the person that is the one that accepted this man for his behaviors......and .......WHY you stay. There is an answer to the why....but it is a journey for YOURSELF to figure it out. It's an awesome one that you don't have to face alone.....but you do have to initiate. IF he won't go? If he feels he has NO ISSUES? Well-----what did you expect him to say?????? Seriously???? "UM....Oh yes I''ve been meaning to talk to you about that darling, I see you are unhappy, and I'm just not able to respond to you, YES YES lets do therapy and work on MY issues of how I treat you like dung?" ..........<-------SURE that will happen........OR you can get yourself into some FREE/SLIDING scale therapy.....and figure out WHAT IN THE H@()* is up with YOUR life and WHY you put up with the WHAT y ou do.....and WHERE you are going and WHEN you are going to make changes.......and HOW to get yourself HAPPY. Don't depend on anyone else to figuire that out......YOU DO IT. And by the way......if it takes 12 years........to do that? Well then? That is 12 years that you could have spent doing NOTHING......and being MISERABLE......with NO end game ressult OR.........12 years invested in YOURSELF wiith goals towards your happiness, possibly figuring out what makes you tick, do you WANT to salvage this relationship ........why do you.......don't you? And have a better life. Maybe with maybe without him. That's up to you. Hope this helps.......But I'll be damned if Ill ever sneak around to do what I like because it makes someone in control angry. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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