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What can you do once they are 18?????
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 546065"><p>Hi Saunder. I too am sorry that you needed to find our little corner of the web - but I am glad you did.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do to fix him.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do to fix him.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do to fix him.</p><p></p><p>I know I am being redundant. Please know I typed it 3 times more for myself than for you. I struggle with wanting to fix my son and mend my own broken heart every single day. Your story is very much like my own - except my son is now 20 - and we were faced with this decision when he was 19. I want to grab my son by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. I want to lock him in a room and play our (happy) home movies on repeat for days on end while stuffing him full of homemade cookies and 3 square meals a day. I want to stop crying every time I think of him being estranged from us and the fact that he has thrown his once bright future away.</p><p></p><p>About the same time I found this board, I found this essay from Norma Borlund. I think I read it every day for 6 months. One line in particular stuck out at me and it still hits very close to home<em>:<strong><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"> "Each I day I wake feeling an urgent need to do something and then I realize there's nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be."</span></strong></em></p><p><em><strong><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></strong></em></p><p>My son left home rather than get help. Caught me completely off guard. That night, I stayed up googling for answers and fixes and that's how I found the above essay and this forum. I thought for sure somewhere on the www or someone here would have the magic solution of "what do I do now to fix this (him)?"</p><p></p><p>It's 11 months (nearly to the day) later and I still haven't fixed him. Our relationship is frosty and he has not lived at home (with the exception of a month at the holidays) since August 2011 .He came back for 6 weeks over the holidays, fessed up about failing out of school and being in debt just days before he was scheduled to go back. We cleared up his debt, tried to get him help and he turned on us. Like your son - it was verbal but easily cold have progressed. He moved out on a Friday, came back On Sunday at 2pm and in the course of 6 hours - he went from tired and amiable, to edgy and uncooperative. He told us "how it would be" if he "agreed" to stay home. We would not and could not agree to his terms (pot, motorcycle, come and go as he pleases, no boundaries, free reign, no rules, no school, no counseling) and after bullying us into paying his overdue rent, he left the next day for good and stayed 4 hours away in his college town apartment thru June.</p><p></p><p>Now he is couch surfing while in town for the summer and working his long standing summer landscape job. He intends to go back to his college town in the fall to play college student and he still has not let on to us (or most of his friends) that he is not attending school. He has spent every dime of his savings (the money we saved for him from his birth) and has sold every gift we gave him since HS (laptop, phones, tv, dvd player, Xbox, sunglasses, HS ring, watch, anything remotely of value) He blames us for everything (we want to control him) and justifies his marijuana use as harmless. He is staying mostly with his girlfriend's indulgent parents - they live just down the street from us. I now believe his girlfriend is thrilled to have gotten him away from us and dependent on her instead of us. Every time I try to reach out, he backs further away. It breaks my heart. He has not slept under our roof since January 2012 and we occasionally see him for a Sunday dinner if we make the overture. Even then, he stays for only 2 hours and not a second more. We went out for dinner last night (H, pc15,me and difficult child) and I texted him surreptitiously to ask him to come back to our house for an hour or so to hang out with his 15 yo brother who misses him tremendously, and he refused. He said he had to get to bed early. I txtd back that "I miss him too and that we do have 6 bedrooms" and he ignored me completely.</p><p></p><p>There are times when I think of everything that has progressed in the past year and I wish that I could have placated him longer, kept him home and under our roof at any cost. I thought that when he left home a year ago, that things would come to a head quickly. I have a list of therapists and shelters and treatment centers and lawyers saved on my phone so I can hit the ground running if he ever calls us looking for help. He hasn't. And I am beginning to doubt he ever will. I thought that there would be some sort of progress (good or bad) or resolution by this point and we are no closer than we were a year ago. Sometimes I take solace in his lies to us about school - because I think if he cares enough to lie - it means that he is not comfortable with who he has become. And that's gotta count for something.</p><p></p><p>I guess if I can tell you ANYTHING for sure - I can write that you have a choice:</p><p></p><p>1) Do nothing. Don't stand up for what you know is right and moral. Realize that in doing so - you may not lose him but you will lose quite a bit of yourself. And your younger son will be watching.</p><p></p><p>2) Stand up for what you know is right. It may mean you lose your son. You may not change his behavior. But at least he won't be doing it with your blessing or complacent support.</p><p></p><p>He's going to do what he wants to do. You can't do anything. But you can withdraw your support. And that won't be easy. It will hurt like heck - even 11 months later. And it may not make a difference in his behavior. But you will take a stand. And if you don't take a stand for something, you will fall for anything.</p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}} Sorry so rambling and so long. I hope it helps. It helped me to write it all out. I am having a hard day after last night. I wish I had a magic answer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 546065"] Hi Saunder. I too am sorry that you needed to find our little corner of the web - but I am glad you did. There is nothing you can do to fix him. There is nothing you can do to fix him. There is nothing you can do to fix him. I know I am being redundant. Please know I typed it 3 times more for myself than for you. I struggle with wanting to fix my son and mend my own broken heart every single day. Your story is very much like my own - except my son is now 20 - and we were faced with this decision when he was 19. I want to grab my son by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. I want to lock him in a room and play our (happy) home movies on repeat for days on end while stuffing him full of homemade cookies and 3 square meals a day. I want to stop crying every time I think of him being estranged from us and the fact that he has thrown his once bright future away. About the same time I found this board, I found this essay from Norma Borlund. I think I read it every day for 6 months. One line in particular stuck out at me and it still hits very close to home[I]:[B][FONT=Arial] "Each I day I wake feeling an urgent need to do something and then I realize there's nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be." [/FONT][/B][/I] My son left home rather than get help. Caught me completely off guard. That night, I stayed up googling for answers and fixes and that's how I found the above essay and this forum. I thought for sure somewhere on the www or someone here would have the magic solution of "what do I do now to fix this (him)?" It's 11 months (nearly to the day) later and I still haven't fixed him. Our relationship is frosty and he has not lived at home (with the exception of a month at the holidays) since August 2011 .He came back for 6 weeks over the holidays, fessed up about failing out of school and being in debt just days before he was scheduled to go back. We cleared up his debt, tried to get him help and he turned on us. Like your son - it was verbal but easily cold have progressed. He moved out on a Friday, came back On Sunday at 2pm and in the course of 6 hours - he went from tired and amiable, to edgy and uncooperative. He told us "how it would be" if he "agreed" to stay home. We would not and could not agree to his terms (pot, motorcycle, come and go as he pleases, no boundaries, free reign, no rules, no school, no counseling) and after bullying us into paying his overdue rent, he left the next day for good and stayed 4 hours away in his college town apartment thru June. Now he is couch surfing while in town for the summer and working his long standing summer landscape job. He intends to go back to his college town in the fall to play college student and he still has not let on to us (or most of his friends) that he is not attending school. He has spent every dime of his savings (the money we saved for him from his birth) and has sold every gift we gave him since HS (laptop, phones, tv, dvd player, Xbox, sunglasses, HS ring, watch, anything remotely of value) He blames us for everything (we want to control him) and justifies his marijuana use as harmless. He is staying mostly with his girlfriend's indulgent parents - they live just down the street from us. I now believe his girlfriend is thrilled to have gotten him away from us and dependent on her instead of us. Every time I try to reach out, he backs further away. It breaks my heart. He has not slept under our roof since January 2012 and we occasionally see him for a Sunday dinner if we make the overture. Even then, he stays for only 2 hours and not a second more. We went out for dinner last night (H, pc15,me and difficult child) and I texted him surreptitiously to ask him to come back to our house for an hour or so to hang out with his 15 yo brother who misses him tremendously, and he refused. He said he had to get to bed early. I txtd back that "I miss him too and that we do have 6 bedrooms" and he ignored me completely. There are times when I think of everything that has progressed in the past year and I wish that I could have placated him longer, kept him home and under our roof at any cost. I thought that when he left home a year ago, that things would come to a head quickly. I have a list of therapists and shelters and treatment centers and lawyers saved on my phone so I can hit the ground running if he ever calls us looking for help. He hasn't. And I am beginning to doubt he ever will. I thought that there would be some sort of progress (good or bad) or resolution by this point and we are no closer than we were a year ago. Sometimes I take solace in his lies to us about school - because I think if he cares enough to lie - it means that he is not comfortable with who he has become. And that's gotta count for something. I guess if I can tell you ANYTHING for sure - I can write that you have a choice: 1) Do nothing. Don't stand up for what you know is right and moral. Realize that in doing so - you may not lose him but you will lose quite a bit of yourself. And your younger son will be watching. 2) Stand up for what you know is right. It may mean you lose your son. You may not change his behavior. But at least he won't be doing it with your blessing or complacent support. He's going to do what he wants to do. You can't do anything. But you can withdraw your support. And that won't be easy. It will hurt like heck - even 11 months later. And it may not make a difference in his behavior. But you will take a stand. And if you don't take a stand for something, you will fall for anything. {{{hugs}}} Sorry so rambling and so long. I hope it helps. It helped me to write it all out. I am having a hard day after last night. I wish I had a magic answer. [/QUOTE]
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What can you do once they are 18?????
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