What did he do now?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Friday I received a call on my voice mail at work from the school psychologist at difficult child's school. She said difficult child was sleeping so they hadn't given him his medications yet and also that an incident had happened at school with difficult child she would like to talk to me about.

    We ended up playing phone tag and couldn't connect. I left her a message that she could call me back to talk about the incident and to let me know if difficult child received his medications.

    She left a message that difficult child did get his medications but that earlier a serious incident had occured with difficult child involving an office staff member. She said she was looking forward to our meeting on Thursday because difficult child seemed so different this year and we (the team) needed to come up with some new ideas for difficult child.

    Of course, now all weekend I've been wondering/worrying what happened. difficult child had been at respite and since he has been home has been way off.

    I'm trying to convince myself that if it were super bad she would have made sure to get in touch with me. I'm just hoping that I'm right. Keep your fingers crossed.
     
  2. Don't forget to thank her for the wonderful weekend when you get in touch with her...that bites.
     
  3. SophiaMaria

    SophiaMaria New Member

    Ahh, hugs to you. That's truely frustrating.

    I've learned (finally) that if they don't call back it wasn't important, or i'll deal with it when they do call. I got to the point i was nearly sick to check the phone daily because it was always something. I'm uptight about alot of things, but this one i gave up the power to. I really hope you can too, sitting and worrying is wasted time.
     
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, hope you didn't let this ruin your entire weekend. I've gotten to the point that I don't check my email but three times a week.

    If something is important I will receive another call. I'd lose my mind if I did otherwise.

    Keeping fingers crossed this won't be a huge concern. Keep us updated.
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Ladies! I didn't let it ruin my weekend; it just kind of laid there in the back of mind. I did figure if it was super bad they would have made sure to get in touch with us.

    It turns out he left class without permission on Friday; went to the office demanding to call husband. He was told no, of course. He became very angry and flicked something of his (small toy) and it got stuck. He tried crawling under a desk to get it and then got really mad when he still couldn't get to it became belligerent with the secretary. Tried hanging up the phone on her, took a fake punch at her head, swore at her and threatened her. I can hardly wait til his conference on Thursday!
     
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh. Joy. Can't wait to hear how THAT meeting goes! Sigh. Sending lots of chocolate, or whatever gives you strength to get through this week.

    I'm already counting down the days until summer.
     
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Isn't it typical? Of course he shouldn't have behaved badly, but I can just picture it - it rally does come dow to how kids are handled, and I'm just betting that when he was told "No" about ringing his dad, it was delivered curtly.

    With incidents like this, I like to "run the projector backwards" to where it gets inflamed and work from there. If he had been handled more gently (even if his request seemed rude - these kids often seem disrespectful when in fact they're anxious or desperate) then would things have gone as far as they did?

    The next question is - what is the aim of the school? What do they want the outcome to be? Prevention is the best aim - how do we stop this happening again? And of course, a big part of how to prevent, is for people to change how they handle difficult child. Of course he shouldn't behave so badly and he needs to make amends. but punishment for its own sake will get absolutely nowhere in terms of prevention.

    Trouble is, schools too often mistake punishment for discipline. Or thye expect it to produce a positive learning outcome. And it won't, not in this case.

    In my experience, school office staff seem to be the worst ones for triggering a difficult child. Obviously not always, at difficult child 3's school the office staff are lovely. But I've seen numerous other schools where the most reactive, difficult staff member was the person in the front office. At the local school here, I've known parents to be cowed by the receptionist! I've made a point of being kind to her and treating her as I would like her to treat my child. It's ironic - as children we had to learn to treat the adults around us with exgtreme respect, even when they were rude to us or talked down to us, or talked about us in a negtive way while we were still there. If we had rsponded to this as an adult would have, they would have been very angry with us and punished us for insolence. But where is the insolence really coming from?

    A kid on the spectrum, for example, often has great difficulty in working out the difference in people's social position. They treat other people the same way they have been treated themselves. It's the only way they know how.

    Most people in difficult child 3's world know him and understand this. But for the last two days he's had state-based exams which are supervised by someone ferom outside the school. This exam supervisor is very reactive, I noticed today. She's clearly trying to be understanding but I think inside, she's a bit scared of kids like difficult child 3 and feels a need to be seen as the person in authority.
    Today (a Maths exam) she told difficult child 3, "You will need to bring your calculator over here to be checked."
    difficult child 3 said, "I don't like the sound of that."
    Supervisor said, "It doesn't matter what you like or not. That is the rule and I'm here to enforce the rules. You will do as you're told."

    Luckily, this didn't set difficult child 3 off, although MY hackles went up and I wasn't on the receiving end. I talked briefly to difficult child 3 (to confirm why he had said that) then I went over to the supervisor quietly (by this stage she was on her own ast the other end of the room) just to reassure her.
    "When difficult child 3 said he didn't like the sound of thta, he thought checking the calculator meant having it checked out by security, in case there was something dangerous hidden inside. He was worried about the possibile implications of such a need."
    The supervisor smiled and relaxed. It's just that she doesn't understand him and frankly, her exposure to him is too brief to require her to get to know him. But it made me glad I had chosen to stick around within coo-ee in case I was needed.

    Under different circumstances, if difficult child 3 were younger and more reactive himself (as he used to be when in a more stressful environment) then this could have escalated badly.

    This sort of behaviour needs to be stopped, but the school needs to understand that the child didn't suddenly choose to be rude; he simply hasn't got the tools to know the right way to behave. The best way to handle this is to teach him the rules, give him the tools, role-play it and work with him to help him learn to improve his own responses in future. Andalso work with the staff who perhaps need to learn a softer way to deflect him from something he's not permitted to do.

    There's more than one way to skin a cat.

    Marg
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gvcmom-Thanks for the chocolate-think I'll need it!

    Marg-You make a good point. I know what you mean about people not knowing how to handle a difficult child. In this case though it sounds like they treated difficult child fine (they were even willing to take the desk apart to get difficult child his toy back that he shouldn't have brought to school in the first place). The staff in the office really like him but it seems difficult child was stuck in a mode. Most of the staff at his school really like him and are good at dealing with him, even so, this year he is struggling mightily. I think it's very interesting that after all of what happened on Friday when he was being asked to go to SAR (Student recovery room) difficult child started falling asleep; they asked him instead if he would prefer to lay down in the nurse's office, within 30 seconds he was asleep.

    by the way, my hackles would have been up if I had heard difficult child being spoken to like that by a supervisor. Your difficult child handled that much better than mine would have.
     
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Uhmmm...I see the issue about hoe he behaved when he didn't get what he asked for, but why couldn't the school district just let him call in the first place? Would he abuse the privilege if he was allowed to call a parent if he felt the need?

    I'm glad he was able to re-group, though, and that this didn't ruin your weekend.
     
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