What did I tell ya?

[Hound dog]

Unreal. Seriously. Seems M will be moving in with katie unless manager comes up with yet another excuse.

Gimme a break. Anyone else? This would sooooo not be happening. Has to be a higher power at work here.

Been having long chats with katie these past few days. This mornings was an eye opener. I dont' ask about M. Honestly I'm trying the old bury the head in the sand over him. Not working, but I'm trying, cuz I really would rather not know. I am so sick of dealing with the likes of him I'm very close to introducing him to bff's husband. Now that would be a sight. Nice quiet visit in an alley........ But I resist temptation. Still keeps me sane knowing bff's hubby owes me out the wazoo over what he pulled with Nichole, I know I can always play that card if push comes to shove. (most likely never will, but dreaming about it keeps me from doing something stupid myself)

Not only did she tell me she got the paper that says it's ok for M to live with them......she tells me that the past few weeks have been a real eye opener for her. She's realized that she can manage on her own just fine. She's realized that she doesn't need M even to keep her company. She's realized she can parent the kids just grand without him.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Now that's somethin'. Just a lil bud of somethin' but hey will take what I can get.

Then she says that M is a good person (ok gag me, don't see it, do see what might have been possible ages ago if someone had taken the time but yeah) but he has a LOT to prove to her. And that HE has a lot to learn.

Hmm. Not exactly what she means by that but can say I agree. I just don't see that happening at his age.

I was careful what I wrote back. Seems like if she is separated from him even for a short time she can begin to see him as he is........I don't want to make her feel like she has to defend him or it's gonna put her back to square one again. Did tell her I hope to see her find what katie wants/needs, to go back to school like she wanted, ect. I didn't dwell on M at all........mostly that she should be doing things for herself to grow and mature and find happiness.

Then I added:

You've walked a very rough lonely road these past many years. I am so happy to see you in a place of your own, you've no idea. So happy to see opportunity again knocking at your door. Rare for someone to have that happen twice. I hope to never see you having to live that old life again. I want you to know security, stability, love, peace of mind......and I want the same for the kids too as they need that so much more than material things. It has been so very nice and heart warming to see your smiles, hear your laughter, and see your eyes shine when I see you all now.

I tried to bring her attention to the drastic changes I've seen in both her and the kids in M's absence without stressing the M part of it.

If change is what she wants, the powers that be have decided she's gonna have to prove how bad she wants it. Evidently she's not going to get the non confrontational method she might have been hoping for. And you know what? I think that is necessary. If she can't learn to stand up to M and tell him like it is straight from the heart without worry of repercussions.......she'll never have the backbone to truly stand on her own. She'll just fall for another guy (maybe much worse) just like him.

So, just gonna pray while she's hopefully learning this lesson.........and hopefully finding herself.......M doesn't manage to muck up her 2nd chance. That she doesn't let him muck it up.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ugh...ick...yuck...groan...drats...and other assorted words I cant type on here!

 

[elizabrary]

I'm sorry. I know how much it sucks- Kat went back to her abuser for years. She had to find another guy to finally break away from him, which isn't the best way for it to happen, but at least it happened. I talked myself blue in the face to no avail. I compliment you on your diplomacy because I would just bash her over the head with my opinions. You are doing a great job at keeping it positive, which is a bigger help in the long run. Hang in there!

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, ugh.

Hugs. Cause I think I'd probably not be quite so diplomatic.

I hope Katie does get it, and does stand up to him. (Or tells him the paper said otherwise?!)

 

[DDD]

All in all (and not to overlook the negatives) it sounds to me like a "baby step" that is important. Yes, it's taken awhile and probably will take much longer but if she can comfortably stay in touch with you and slowly move toward normalcy...it's something to celebrate while staying prepared for the worst.
It's been a long road but this is the first optimistic note I've read. Hugs. DDD

 

[Star*]

Can we change his name from M To Worm? Cause he sure seems to worm his way back into every situation.

Your letter to her was wonderful. I agree with D3 - babystep. I have a few steps I'd like to do too - all over his head. Kinda like those Irish dancers........

 

[HaoZi]

I like the Worm name, even if it is a insult to all invertibrates that help airate the soil. AHEM. Moving along now. Since she has finally realized she doesn't NEED him, would it help to reinforce that aspect by gently reminding her that she doesn't have to put up with him to stay where she is? Small steady steps from DON'T NEED towards DON'T WANT.

 

[Hound dog]

LOL Worm is appropriate.

On a positive note, she is still actively seeking to form strong relationships with me and her sisters. Worm or no Worm. She invited Nichole and easy child to a bbq to show off the apartment. I have as yet to be invited to said bbq, guessing she'll probably do that tomorrow. Date for it hasnt' been set yet. Hope Worm is not cooking. Otherwise I'm bringing hotdogs. Takes real talent to ruin a hotdog. lol

Tomorrow I'm running her to welfare to do some paperwork. Then lunch (my idea). Then to enroll and have Evan evaluated for kindergarden in the afternoon. Friday is going to be a yard sale outing. Supposed to be sunny and warm. I'm starting off yard sales with just her and Evan. Figure it's wise to get Evan used to Nana's yard sale rules before adding the older to into the mix. Plus gives me more time to spend with him and katie.

Katie has no sitter for the girl's makeover day on sat. Nichole did come up with an idea though. We're hoping our makeovers don't take too long then we can high tail it back to town and take her to an in town salon to get her hair done for the reception. Nichole is wondering how to keep Worm man away from her reception. Can't say I blame her. She's going to mention to both easy child and katie they may want to see if they can line up sitters cuz reception is scheduled until 11pm. I doubt any of the grands will be able to keep it together that long. I already told Nichole that Nana will bring Aubrey back here to snooze on the sofa when she poops out. (all her sitters will be attending the reception) So if Worm isn't working and won't watch them........ugh guess we'll have to plan on getting them out of there fairly early.

I'm trying to do as much normal stuff with katie as possible. Lord knows her life has been about as far from normal as you can get. The hope is the more normal she sees and enjoys, the more she will want it to continue. Same with the family bonding time deal......I want her to feel close, want her to know we've got her back, and that she is a valuable person to us. I have a feeling she's gonna need it.

Last time she wouldn't let us in no matter how hard we tried.

This time she's planning a family bbq!

So, we will grin and bare it and go, whether Worm man is there or not.

Another positive: Nichole said she caught katie closely observing both boyfriend's and sister in law's behavior during the easter dinner.

Baby steps are better than no steps. Yeah. I'll take the baby steps.

 

[HaoZi]

Another positive: Nichole said she caught katie closely observing both boyfriend's and sister in law's behavior during the easter dinner.

I sure hope they provided good examples, and good on her for paying attention!

 

[KTMom91]

You're right, baby steps are better than no steps.

 

[Shari]

I am so praying she makes real change this time....

 

[Mattsmom277]

I like that she was watching other healthy couples interactions so closely. Sometimes the lightbulb about your own unhealthy relationship goes off suddenly when witnessing other couples behaviors. Nothing says What am I doing? more clearly than sitting tensely with your own spouse as is normal while next to you a happy healthy relationship is unfolding. You know what I mean, normal couple things like touching each other, smiling, finishing each others sentences, etc. Baby steps is a good term, but she's making some advances, even if The Worm is a role for her still.

 

[Star*]

I would like to suggest baby kicks - right to the seat of worms ........okay we may have to rethink this Worm name. Worms don't have butts.

 

[KFld]

I know all too well what is is like when our difficult child's are attracted to someone who is just so unhealthy for them, and it is so aggrivating when they can't see it. Hopefully someday she will, but I think you are doing the best thing by biting your tongue and waiting for her to see it for herself.

 

[Hound dog]

Well.........doesn't seem the leopard is changing his spots anytime soon.

Katie won't be going to the spa or the reception. Same excuse about the cab. I could call them and check myself.......but honestly, don't care. Her issue, not mine. It was more the sitter deal to begin with. A reception starting at 7pm with an open bar is really not a place for kids........which is why Aubrey will be leaving fairly early with us. Which I don't mind as I don't like large gatherings of people........even if it's family.

She's been sick with a stomach bug all week. Too sick to go do necessary paperwork with welfare......even though her dad was going to drive her. He's set to take her again tomorrow. If it's cancelled again........I think she'll be having to call a cab as it's a tad annoying.....we sit and wait to go get her only to have her tell us that she's too sick to go. I know she may not be able to help it but it puts any plans we may have on hold until we know one way or another. Like I said, annoying.

I have to giggle everytime I hear this one.........She wants to load up her laundry into the trunk so her dad can drop her at the complex's laundomat when they're done so she doesn't have to carry the backed up laundry up there........guess she hasn't thought of how she's going to get it all back home again. I keep waiting for that to click. hasn't yet........but husband will bring it up.......cuz he made that mistake once when we were living there......4 trips up a steep hill caused him to never make it again. lmao

 

[Star*]

WHAT? No one dontated a car to them? DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE QUICK -------call move that BUS!

 

[Hound dog]

Careful Star................the way this girl's luck is, someone just may give her a car she can't drive because she couldn't stick up for herself at the DMV. lol