What do I do for the best?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by UKMummy, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Hi wonderful people.
    I'd really appreciate your thoughts...
    Son and I are back to no contact again. He lives in a bedsit and couple of streets from my house. He instigated contact again in April. He wanted his family back, it was the most important thing to him etc. Within a couple of visits he started to no show. He would text and ask for dinner (I will not give him money) I would cook his dinner and he would just not come, no text, call or anything. Then family meal out where he was rude to me. He sent me a text a week later saying that he was in a bad place, everything I do hurts him, he no longer feels any love for me and that he thinks bad things. I text him back saying that I truly believe his life will not get better until he stops smoking weed. But I knew he could do it. I had literature for him and would go with him to the docs etc. He didn't like that advise and never responded.
    I did message a week,or so later asking if I could see him. He didn't want to.
    My problem now is the enormous guilt I feel at having no contact with him. What do I do? Honestly, I don't want contact with the way he is now but at the same time I do not want to do more damage by not contacting him.
    Please please let me know your thoughts. I know that many of you have probably struggled with contact/no contact. This is literally consuming me X
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi UK

    I am doing the same thing with my son right now. Very limited contact, but it is very painful to do this. It helps me though so it's kind of a double edged sword.

    My husband (his dad) left today to visit him at his treatment center and spend his birthday with him. He'll be 21 on Friday. My son is outpatient so does have a lot of freedom so will stay at hotel with his dad for 2 nights. This brought on great stress for me even though I am the one that encouraged my husband to go. We haven't seen him since April and I am out of vacation for the year (have some in November planned) and husband has a lot and I just can't handle it emotionally to see him because it counter-reacts my detachment.

    Guilt does not do anyone any good. It really has no purpose in this situation. If it makes you feel better to not talk to him/see him then do that. It's not on YOU. It's on him to change his life. He's trying to make it your problem. My son does this also. I just keep redirecting him.

    I have already given about 5 years of MY life to trying to help him in every way under the sun. Guess what? It did absolutely no good. Now I'm trying to help MYSELF. He is 1500 miles away and this may sound cold but THANK THE LORD we did that. That was the best thing we ever did for ourselves and for him.

    He is in treatment because financially we won't support anything else. I still don't think he 'gets it'. He is very immature. Like they say, when they start using drugs their maturing goes into freeze frame. He started smoking week at 15. You know this isn't your fault. It isn't my fault either.

    Have you thought of seeing a therapist? It greatly helps me sort our all of my feelings.

    I hope this helps. It's just my feelings on this. Good luck.
     
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  3. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Thank you RN for your reply.
    I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm thankful for supportive partners and our other children.
    You reminded me that it's him that needs to change his behaviour, not me. I needed to be reminded of that.
    Such a complex situation that I don't see changing anytime soon. So grateful for this site. Never fails to remind me that I'm doing OK.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Your doing great. The love we feel for them instigate the guilt, but when burned so many times...you get over it in a way.

    He is the one who hasn't shown up...He cut you off. Thing is, not his rules....you don't have to be treated that way.

    I believe they can change...but we can't make it happen. It's frustrating....but it is what it is. To be honest, as much as I love my son, I don't like him very much right now. I think that is OK....
     
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    I agree, don't let guilt consume you. YOU have nothing to feel guilty about. He is the one who is being rude and playing emotional black-mail games. The best thing for you right now is no contact. If he wants to meet for dinner next time, say, no, I don't think so. Don't allow him to feed his crap on a spoon to you. YOU deserve better treatment. Read the detachment document on this website, daily. It makes you stronger and able to sort through all the feelings you are going through. It's hard, but at some point, you have to just break away from the chaos for your own sanity. Our kids know how to play us like a puppet on a string. They are the puppet-masters of emotional manipulation.

    Trust me, the damage has been done by him, not you. YOU will find a sense of peace at some point by not being drawn until their emotional drama day in and day out. Baby steps. Do one thing daily to try and detach. Get counseling, support group, etc. YOU deserve better. Is having contact on his crappy terms better then having no contact and not having to deal with the emotional roller-coaster he puts you on?
     
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