What do I do? Need advice when all the doors are closed...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by confusedmom, Jan 7, 2016.

  1. confusedmom

    confusedmom New Member

    Hi everyone, I'm new here and I am hoping someone, anyone, can offer any kind of advice. My son has always been a great kid. Academically gifted, an older soul, witty, with no behavioral problem other than the normal teenager stuff. Always made good grades, no trouble, nothing like that. Just your average kid. Didn't have a ton of friends, and I would kind of classify him as a "geek". But like the kind on Big Bang Theory, funny and charming. Just your "typical" average teenage boy. We never saw anything to be concerned about until he reached 13. He had just received a cell phone for Christmas, and shortly thereafter we found porn on his phone. We took the phone away, and sat down with him to do the normal parenting things (the birds and the bees 2.0 talk, it's illegal, it's private, that kind of stuff). After a couple of months, he earned the privilege of the phone back. Another month goes by, we find it again. We took the phone away for good and told our son we were concerned that he may have a problem with pornography. His father spoke with him and did all the right dad things. There was no bad behavior, and we felt the punishment of removing the phone as well as his xbox was enough. Months go buy, and we discover our son has purchased a subscription to an adult channel (we didn't even know how to find them. He had changed the channel guide to unhide them) without our knowledge and had been watching it while we were sleeping. We turned on parental locks and changed the password. We spoke with our son, telling him we were truly concerned now that he had an addiction to pornography. We scheduled an appointment for our son to see a counselor.

    My husband and I just found out within the last couple of months that my son has been sexually assaulting our daughter for some time. We have removed him from the home, reported the offense with local law enforcement and DSS, and rather than pressing charges, we thought treatment was in his best interest. Here's the thing, over the last couple of days, my son has admitted to other instances with a cousin, from a long time ago, which she has adamantly denied, but due to the graphic nature of the details he has presented and her behavior during the questions, it seems apparent that something happened between the two of them. His therapist believes that there may be yet another victim that he hasn't told us about. We have discovered the child we have known his whole life never existed. He had been speaking with a girl at school and had agreed to begin selling prescription drugs for her in exchange for either pills or sex. We took him to an acute care facility the second we found the pill in his backpack. There's no remorse for his actions, just that he got caught. His therapist is now concerned from the growing information that it may very well be beyond their help (they specialize in juvenile sex offenses and offenders).

    Our insurance has refused to cover the cost of our son to go to a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), especially one that specializes in sexual offenses. They also denied the acute care facility and he was discharged against our wishes. They say that they will not cover something that may not work. The insurance company has stated they will not cover any treatment for sexual dysfunction, which is what they have said is happening here. The case manager of the insurance company actually said, "You should just go dump him off at DSS and walk away from this."

    Can anyone offer any kind of advice? I don't want to turn my back on my child. It's obvious that there are some serious psychological issues that need to be addressed and treated. He won't get any help in a jail cell, and I don't want to take the risk of him getting lost in "the system". I want to help my son, but more importantly, I want to prevent any future victims. I am in this alone right now. My husband is out of the country with work and contact with him is limited. So this is now up to me to protect my daughter, protect my son, and protect my sanity. Any thing at all you can offer I would be forever in your debt.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This child should never live at home again and I think you should have pressed charges. this is about the worst thing one person can do to another and you won't get any help without turning him in. Your entire family needs help.

    Was he adopted, or perped on himself, or abused or did he have a chaotic early life? Any foster care? I'll tell you our story and I am very strict about sexual issues. They are hard to fix. Your daughter is the victim. SHE is the one who needs protection. She is NOT hurting HIM. This is not about bad or good...obviously your son is extremely sick. It is about his danger he presents to others, like his sister and possibly schoolmates and neighbors.

    You can't protect your son without putting your daughter at further risk and, again, SHE is t he victim.

    We adopted a child of 11 who perped on all the kids in the house. He was older and the youngers were scared of his threats to kill us all so they didn't tell. Once they found out we called CPS and they removed him, as we asked, and he got treatment in a sexually abusing kid jail. I doubt he stopped doing it. He had incidents of perping in the jail. Our county also pressed charges against him and he lost.

    Your child is a big threat to your other child and to children in the neighborhood. He in my opinion is dangerous and may or may not be able to be helped, but you will never be sure. The only way to help other victims is to keep him away from potential victims. There is no way he should ever be near any child without strict adult supervision, not even if you go to the bathroom.

    Although help for predators can be more successful in children, it is still hard to stop the urges. This is a compulsion that may or may not ever stop. Your daughter does not need to be the one who finds out if he is still doing it. She is in intensive therapy now, right? If not, you are not doing right by her. SHE NEEDS IT.

    My advice is to get him out of the house permanently and protect your other child from him and the neighborhood kids. And is he cruel to animals and like fire? Those are the symptoms of a budding sociopath.

    Even if he himself was abused, which is likely somewhere, he is still a threat because he is choosing to act out on others. I would never allow him to live with me again. That's what we did. It was too traumatic for the other kids for him to even be spoken about. Sexual assault is very serious and usually the first you hear is that it's "just one time." It is usually much more and you don't hear about until the other child feels safe and sure that the perp is no longer coming home. We found out month by month. The younger kids at first mumbled, "He did it two or three times." As time and therapy went on it ended up, "He has done it for three years, at knifepoint." I still feel guilty that I did not know, although we had a big house and he was sneaky. I will never not feel guilty that I didn't know. In our case, we never saw him again after he left, but heard he was not doing well.

    Whoever he hurt needs intensive therapy. CPS will provide and pay for it. If you protect him, you may help him end up in jail later on. You could also get into trouble yourself if the authorities find out he perped and you did not tell them. He needs a huge taste of how serious this is before he turns eighteen. It still may not work, but it won't be on his record forever if he gets arrested and charged before he turns eighteen. After eighteen, he will have a record forever. He may have to sign up as a sexual predator for the rest of his life. It may not work...the cure is rare...but you need to try everything you can and to do the best you can before he becomes eighteen. In the meantime, again, get that daughter tons and tons of therapy. She needs it, as do all children who are sexually assaulted.

    I am sorry f or your hurting heart. Please take it as seriously as you can.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2016
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree that he should not live in your house again. He is a danger to your daughter. I wish I had some great advice, just sending gentle hugs your way.
     
  4. confusedmom

    confusedmom New Member

    Hi Somewhere,
    Yes, my son was removed immediately the day we found out what happened. I will never allow him back in our home again nor anywhere near my daughter. He is my biological child, and through the course of his current intensive therapy, we haven't found any history of abuse. He did say that someone in his past introduced him to pornography at a very young age and his therapist thinks that the grooming behavior that was presented to him could very well be the beginning cause of his behavior. We do believe after speaking with the investigator that there will be charges brought against him in the near future, but we do not know to what extent. I think that our decision to seek treatment was our hope to protect him. I mean, you love your child, and you want the best for them. I am by no means defending his actions. There is no excuse for what he did. Ever. Again, my son never presented as a problem child. Never. No behavior problems at school, a straight A student. Active in after school activities, in the advanced classes so that he could graduate high school with not only a diploma, but an associates degree as well. When we discovered what happened, we just thought he had made a huge mistake. The long term abuse we have discovered has only been recent and in the course of therapy.

    My daughter is doing amazing. Because of her autism, she has no moral compass as to right and wrong. So for her, what happened was no different than brushing her teeth in the morning. It was just something that happened. But to answer your question, yes. She is involved with two therapists, one that deals specifically with childhood trauma in exceptional needs children and another that deals with coping skills through equine therapy. Her care and her needs are and will always by my first priority in this situation. She is progressing wonderfully and both therapists agree that she does not show any signs of emotional trauma nor do they feel as though the trauma that was afflicted on her will affect her future happiness. Honestly, I feel as though her autism is the best blessing we could have ever been given. Especially considering the circumstances and the suffering she would endure had she been a "normal" child.
     
  5. confusedmom

    confusedmom New Member

    Hi Wiped,
    I really appreciate the hugs. I'm kind of alone in all this with my husband being unable to be here and with communication limited it makes all this very overwhelming. And even though from your avatar I can see your a Michigan fan (die hard Buckeye here lol), I'll take anything I can get. I'm just so thankful I found this site. It makes the world feel a little less small.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, confusedmom.

    There may be a LOT more going on with your son than what he tells the therapists. Some kids at this age can be experts at telling adults what they want to hear. Even experienced therapists can be fooled. He may well also be a victim, and may have been so well groomed that he won't reveal the source.

    He's the older brother to a handicapped sibling. Unless he was home schooled (doesn't sound like it), he will likely have been bullied through school because of this. His behavior and marks may be his attempts at holding himself together - which gets harder as they get older.

    Have you ever considered requesting an intensive mental health evaluation? Some mental illnesses show up in childhood - bi-polar being one of these, and hyper-sexuality can go with bi-polar (and a few other disorders).
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To expand on what IC said, many abuse victims do not remember being abused until years later. I did not understand this coping mechanism until I was in a severe car accident. I remember NOTHING about that trauma. If I had not been in a hospital for ten weeks, I would not know I had ever been in an accident. Many abuse victims block out subconsciously all memory of the incident, but it often comes back later in patches and then that is when they freak out.

    Predators very often target disabled people. Our adopted predator son was "best friends" with a boy from school who could not talk and had serious epilepsy. We have no idea what went on between them, but my eyes tear thinking about it. I'm sure he tried or d id something as the subject had no way to ask for help. He also tried to kill our animals and succeeded twice. He was so sweet to our face that we (husband and I) did not think he did the first dog, but the second one did him in as he was the only one home besides me and it wasn't me (cough). He was nice on the surface to all adults and children feared him enough to keep quiet. They believed he'd kill them or all of the family if they said anything. We had to make sure our other kids knew he would never be back and that we were done parenting him. I am not telling you to do this. But it was impossible for me and my husband to even look at him after we found out so we to do w hat we did and have never been sorry.

    Sounds like this boy may have reactive attachment disorder, which happens if a child is abused or neglected or thrown to many caregivers early in his life so that during his formative years he learns not to care about other people; only himself. People then become what they can offer him, and they are no more than objects and they have no remorse for what t hey do. Without remorse it is hard to make them change. I don't know what his early years were like, but if birthmother had many boyfriends (some who may have touched him even if he doesn't remember) or if father checked out early and the infant/toddler was raised by various people...mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, foster care, etc...it can cause grave problems with the baby, who needs one consistent caregiver.

    Not saying he has this, but you know more about his early years than we do. It's possible if he was not consistently loved by a stable mother or father in this earliest years.Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids often act out sexually as many have been abused, even though many (including our adopted son) don't remember the abuse.Obviously it happened whether he remembered it or not. When asked why he did it, he said, "I don't know." He DIDN'T know and was in treatment and was not cured. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is hard to treat. medications don't do the trick. Some never get better. Nobody knows quite how to treat them yet. there are many theories.

    Hugs and more hugs. I well understand your angst.
     
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  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, CM

    I am glad that you have found us.

    What a terrible thing to have to deal with!

    Is your son still in the facility?

    What are their plans for him?

    Please stay with us.

    It helps.

    Apple
     
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