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What do I do now? Son problems!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 585057" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Glinda, I'm sorry you're going through this tough time with your son. You may indeed have enabled your son, however, at some point, his choices are his own and you cannot assume responsibility for him. My advice is for you to seek help for yourself, either in 12 step groups for parents or relatives, therapy, parent groups, whatever you can find so you can learn the tools you need to detach and accept. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. </p><p></p><p>If you were to bring your son home, in my opinion, he would need to abide by all of your rules and boundaries in order to do so. You would have to map those out VERY clearly and have absolute consequences should he break those rules or not abide by your boundaries. You may have already attempted to do that and he refused to obey your rules. If so, bringing him home may not be the best solution at this point. You could talk to him and map out a strategy along those lines, but you will need help yourself so that you do not enable him and give in to his bad behavior. </p><p></p><p>Your guilt about your sons behavior is something you have to let go of, you did what you did, you did your best at the time, if you had known how to do it better, you certainly would have. In addition to making you feel awful and responsible for his actions, guilt will keep you stuck in enabling him. That's why I believe YOU getting help for YOU is part of the solution. Otherwise, you roll around giving in, feeling guilty, giving in, feeling guilty, etc., it's a hamster wheel you can't get out of. It's crazy-making. If you get professional help, or you're in a group where you hear other parents discuss how they handled their challenging kids, you begin to see how setting boundaries, getting clear on what it is you are willing to do and what it is you are NOT willing to do, and how you respond to each scenario is really all YOU can do. We have limited power over the choices of other people's lives, including our children. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't change it and you have no power over it. The only power you have is how you respond to it. So, from my way of thinking, it becomes about how can you change the way you respond and how can you find a way for you to find peace in a situation where someone else's bad choices are ruining your life. For me, I sought a lot of help. I could not have made those changes alone. </p><p></p><p>This is a terrible landscape for a parent to be on, to stand on the sidelines helplessly, while our kids make horrible choices. However, as someone told me, 'you don't have to go down the rabbit hole with him.' You can learn to detach. I am so sorry you are going through this, I understand very well what you are going through and I know how painful it is for you. But, there is hope for you, get support for YOU, take care of YOU, focus on YOU and what your needs are. I wish you peace. (((HUGS))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 585057, member: 13542"] Welcome Glinda, I'm sorry you're going through this tough time with your son. You may indeed have enabled your son, however, at some point, his choices are his own and you cannot assume responsibility for him. My advice is for you to seek help for yourself, either in 12 step groups for parents or relatives, therapy, parent groups, whatever you can find so you can learn the tools you need to detach and accept. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. If you were to bring your son home, in my opinion, he would need to abide by all of your rules and boundaries in order to do so. You would have to map those out VERY clearly and have absolute consequences should he break those rules or not abide by your boundaries. You may have already attempted to do that and he refused to obey your rules. If so, bringing him home may not be the best solution at this point. You could talk to him and map out a strategy along those lines, but you will need help yourself so that you do not enable him and give in to his bad behavior. Your guilt about your sons behavior is something you have to let go of, you did what you did, you did your best at the time, if you had known how to do it better, you certainly would have. In addition to making you feel awful and responsible for his actions, guilt will keep you stuck in enabling him. That's why I believe YOU getting help for YOU is part of the solution. Otherwise, you roll around giving in, feeling guilty, giving in, feeling guilty, etc., it's a hamster wheel you can't get out of. It's crazy-making. If you get professional help, or you're in a group where you hear other parents discuss how they handled their challenging kids, you begin to see how setting boundaries, getting clear on what it is you are willing to do and what it is you are NOT willing to do, and how you respond to each scenario is really all YOU can do. We have limited power over the choices of other people's lives, including our children. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't change it and you have no power over it. The only power you have is how you respond to it. So, from my way of thinking, it becomes about how can you change the way you respond and how can you find a way for you to find peace in a situation where someone else's bad choices are ruining your life. For me, I sought a lot of help. I could not have made those changes alone. This is a terrible landscape for a parent to be on, to stand on the sidelines helplessly, while our kids make horrible choices. However, as someone told me, 'you don't have to go down the rabbit hole with him.' You can learn to detach. I am so sorry you are going through this, I understand very well what you are going through and I know how painful it is for you. But, there is hope for you, get support for YOU, take care of YOU, focus on YOU and what your needs are. I wish you peace. (((HUGS)))) [/QUOTE]
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