What do I do now?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TypoJEnny, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. TypoJEnny

    TypoJEnny New Member

    Hi all,

    Got a situation here that even has our therapist baffled. I'm very upset right now and need a shoulder to lean on.

    We are moving tomorrow. I was packing up my difficult child's room today when I moved his book case the carpet was soaked and stinked to high heaven. I wasn't for sure what it was but I about passed out.

    When I picked my son up from school I told him I packed his room and asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. He said no, I said I moved your bookcase today. He replay in a "who cares" kind of way. Oh, I've been peeing behind there.

    I asked how long. "I don't know, awhile." I asked how many times. "A few". I asked why "Because I had to pee in the middle of the night and I didn't want to wake you up." (the bathroom is right next to his room. Our room is clear on the other side of the house) I told him I didn't buy his answer. Then he proceeds to tell me it is because I don't pay enought attention to him. UGH!!! I quite my job to be a stay at home mom, I joined the PTA, I'm his homeroom parent, I got him into an out of district school, I drive him to and from school every day. I let him follow me around the house like a puppy when ever we are home. The only time that he is not right beside me is when he takes his bath, does his chores and an hour before bed when I make him play in his room. OMG I can't take this anymore, I don't watch TV because he isn't allowed to watch anything other than Disney channel and that is only if he earns it. I make sure I tell him I love him more than 3 times a day, I hug and kiss him more than 3 times a day. I talk, joke and mess around with him several times a day. These are things that I make sure I do with him, just so he doesn't feel neglected. I have ran myself ragged trying to make up for what he didn't have as a baby. (we adopted him from the state when he was 6) And nothing seems to work.

    I was shocked by his "I don't care" attitude. It wasn't until I told him he couldn't go to his friends overnight birthday party before I got any kind of response out of him. Then he just cried.

    I talked with his therapist and he said that I have done everything that knows of, he is going to have a meeting with some of his co-workers and see if they have any other ideas. If not then he said we may have to be referred to someone else.

    I'm at my end! I feel like I have bent over backwards for my son. I have changed my way of thinking. I have changed my parenting style. I have done everything that has been suggested. Just when I think it is working, I find out something like this. I don't know what makes me more upset, that fact that he has been peeing in his room or that he didn't care until I took something away from him.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    Just my opinion, but what a bunch of bologna - you don't pay enough attention to him, my eye. Sounds like a very smooth attempt at somehow making it all your fault that he's peeing on the carpet. Gotta admire manipulative difficult children.

    I think logical consequences are the best in this situation. A bunch of your old towels, carpet cleaner, and a scrub brush. He needs to clean up his mess, period.

    thank you's done so many completely mystifying things that I've thankfully forgotten most of them them. :wink: I do very strongly believe that there is not always a rational reason for why they pull some of their more interesting stunts, if there's even a reason at all. I think sometimes thank you just completely loses the capacity to think at all and just acts, because some of his stuff is totally Twilight Zone. I don't even try to figure out the motivation behind the stranger stuff anymore. And I don't expect remorse or an apology either because, in thank you's distorted thought processes, there's nothing to apologize for.

    Hang in there - hope the move goes smoothly and there are no more surprises!
  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I agree. My difficult child has tried to blame his behaviors on things like that also. Never have really bought it but he still tries, bless his scheming, manipulative heart. I also agree with making him clean it up. I actually did something similar recently but I used hot water, carpet shampoo soap (you may wnat to get the kind for pet odors), a scrub brush and the wet vac. Scrub with the wet brush and then :censored2: it all out with the wet vac. May not make the same impression on his back as it did mine seeing as how he's just a tad younger than I am, but I'm sure it will make an impression

    The only thing my difficult child has done similar was what I could only figure to be bank shots off the inside of the toilet lid. Everytime I discovered it, he had to clean the toilet. That went away pretty quick.

    You might want to mention it to his pediatrician though on the slight chance there's a medical reason for it. Although, I would guess that your house is the only place he's done it in. Good luck. That's definitely a new one on me!
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I think your difficult child knew that it was bologna "that you didn't care enough". He did not know what else to say, because he was embarrassed, so he blamed it on you. He, like most difficult children, chose the one thing that he knows is your achilles heel....the one thing that he sees you do the most of.......and because he can see how hard you try, he picked on the obvious. Do not let his response bother you. The problem is not really what he thinks about your parenting - because you know you are a good parent, and so does he. The problem is why he is peeing in the bedroom. Do not let him switch the focus of the problem to you, get you upset, and then suddenly no one remembers why they were upset to begin with (which is surely his plan). Re-focus his attention on why it is inappropriate to pee in the bedroom, and ignore his muse.

    Was he sexually abused before you adopted him? If so, this could be why he is peeing in odd places.
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    difficult child 2 used to pee over the side of his bunk bed. Never understood why. It eventually was gotten through to him that that was not an option. Don't remember how we stopped it as it was one of many odd behaviors.

    Good luck.

  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    His excuse is way off base and I think he knows it. by the way, my difficult child used to do the same thing-drove me nuts. For him he finally grew out of it.
  7. Babbs

    Babbs New Member

    my consolences on your soiled carpeting. I know what a fit I have when one of the cats misses the liter box, I can't imagine the mess after a young boy has been steadily peeing in one place!

    I definitely agree that he needs natural consequences here - he made the mess, he cleans it up.

    One observation I may mention though is that you asked him "Why?" I know for my son, that's the one sure fire question that will give me absolutely no information. Typically developing children rarely know "why" let alone our differently wired difficult child's. Have you asked him when it happens? What is going on when it happens? These questions may give you more information to the "why" then the manipulative answer you got in return.

    On a side note, my ex-AH used to tell stories about being a camp counselor at Boy Scout camp. He used to know when the boys would be peeing out the back side of their tents instead of heading to the outhouses because of the yellow jackets attracted to the sugar in the urine. Apparently it was a game whereas the boys would try to hit insects, weeds, etc., with their urine streams. I think that sometimes little boys just like knowing that they can do something that's "cool" like aim their pee stream to hit stuff.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yeah, I was going to mention that same thing.

    We will probably never get it. When baby boys find their peepees, they grab hold, and never let go. Ohh, looky what I have. Wow, look at what I can make it do. No way, I can AIM my pee?

    And it never stops. Guys pee everywhere. Because they can. That's why they sell paper targets to drop in the toilet, that's why they say "don't eat the yellow snow", that's why boys have pissing for distance contests in the locker room. Guys are sick, and if they are not trying to find something to pee on, they are seeing who can fart the stinkiest.

    Get him a scrub brush and some Lysol. Have him wash it all up.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another vote for he made the mess, he cleans it up. As to why, probably because it's closer than the bathroom and because he can. (A bit harder for a girl since she has to squat and liquid invariably runs down the leg.) Think of it this way, at least he didn't do it down a heating vent. Imagine that smell in the winter!

    The reasons he gave certainly are some sweet manipulations. I remember hearing those sort of excuses when mine was little, too. There never was enough attention. Heck, there still isn't. I finally quit the 24/7 attention. It wasn't helping and, oddly, she came to appreciate me a tad more when I quit being there all the time.
  10. TypoJEnny

    TypoJEnny New Member

    So I made him clean up the mess and I learned a valuable lesson in the process.

    We are moving tomorrow and most of my stuff is packet. Knowing that the carpet will have to be replaced in his room anyway I just grabed the first spray bottle I could find. Spic and Span antibactiral. I learned that Spic and Span also works wonderfully as a paint remover!!! LOL good thing we are repainting his room before we sell the house.

    I was proud of my husband, when he found out he was shocked as I, but he didn't go crazy like I was worried he would. He just calmly told him to clean it up and never do it again and always use the toliet. He did call him out for saying that I don't give him enough attention.

    I'm much calmer now, but I'm still very concerned.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I agree with getting him to clean it. I would also let him go to the party if he gets it clean to your satisfaction - in our situation, the reason for cancelling the party would be because he had an urgent cleaning job to do. If he managed to miraculously get it clean in time, I would let him go. Wanting to go to the party would be the motivation to get the job done and not just be morose about it, hanging around listlessly and continuing to punish you (for what? Who knows?)

    And don't be too sure he's not done it anywhere else. Although if it was only done during the middle of the night, chances are it IS all he's done, but a friend of mine has found her daughter's friend leaves little "messages" for her in various places, including the bin in the bathroom, the dirty laundry (not nice!) and under the house. It's like she's marking territory. her daughter tells hr the little girl does the same thing in hr own home and also tries to get her friends to join in, a sort of "if you're doing it to, it seems more normal."

    As far as I know, there's been no sexual abuse or any other abuse but who can tell? Also, as far as her parents are concerned and as well as I know hr, she's easy child in every other way. I really can't understand it.

    Thankfully, this little girl doesn't visit our house. difficult child 3 plays with her sometimes, I chat to her parents often but none of us have been game to say anything. They would be mortified if they realised we knew (assuming they know).

    As for not wanting to disturb people in the middle of the night - we got into the habit of not flushing the loo (if possible) in the middle of the night because difficult child 3 was such a light sleeper, once woken he wouldn't go back to sleep. During the night we used the principle, "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down" (and don't put it in the waste basket or the dirty laundry).

    It's also possible he's a really heavy sleeper at night, doesn't wake properly. Use this as a learning experience, he's been shamed enough (even if he won't show it) and support him as he cleans up. He needs these cleaning skills anyway (especially if he's going to do this sort of thing). I'm a firm believer in boys growing up to be domestically self-sufficient - or at least as capable as they can be, but no gender boundaries at all. If difficult child 1 wants a feed of tacos, I will help him prepare it himself. He once expressed the opinion that cooking was something women do, because we clearly enjoy doing it (since I was always in the kitchen, cooking and looking after them all). Amazingly, he survived having said this but ever since I've made sure he gets the hands-on experience at cooking, cleaning, sewing, washing ...

  12. TypoJEnny

    TypoJEnny New Member

    As far as we can tell he was not sexually abused. We got a call about 3 months after we adopted him telling us that foster parent was arrested for sexually abuse. My difficult child was in that foster home for two days when he was 3. They interviewed him and he didn't remember the man or the house.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good! Great idea!
    I wouldn't be concerned. He's laying a guilt trip on you. Period.
    I don't know why the therapist needed a mtng.
    Kids do stuff like that. (Especially G'fg!) My son did that in his closet and in the wastepaper basket. The closet we decided was sleepwalking, because it hit the wall the height that a toilet might be.
    The wastepaper basket was defiance because we put him in Time Out. He had threatened to do it beforehand and well... we didn't really think he'd do it!
    Our son is 10 now and he went through this when he was 8 and 9. I think that after the age of 6, boys figure out that they can use certain parts of their anatomy for ... aggravating other people, having fun, or whatever!
    I was concerned for awhile and then the behavior passed.
    We tried to stay calm (yeah, right) and made him clean it up every time. Also, we gave him consequences every time. When he said "that's enough!" because he thought we were nagging, we told him he hadn't even begun to hear the worst of it and he could just stand there and be yelled at. He finally figured out that it wasn't worth it to go anywhere but the bathroom.

    Good luck with-your move.
    Please, don't worry so much. You don't need your son to reassure you about your being a good mom.