What do I do???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Mar 13, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello everyone. I have a dilemma and am hoping for some opinions on how to handle this situation. As most of you know my daughter is on the run with a bench warrant and now bail jumping charges added to her case. (stole my credit card) Some of you might remember that I had seen her at the laundry mat and that she looked wonderful and the meeting was good. Since then she has been calling me and my sister every few days. She went from wanting to turn herself in to absolutely refusing to turn herself in. Then I was getting phone calls with her telling me she was in CA and PA and then CT. All lies. I know she is somewhere in the Bronx. She is still saying that she works in a bar serving drinks. Don't believe that for a minute!

    Anyway, she called my sister the other day and gave her her cell phone number. Asked her not to give it to me. Now, here's my dilemma. My first thoughts were, I don't even want the number as I do not want to be the one to turn her in. I feel as though I can't know too much because if I do then I become held accountable for knowing her whereabouts. My sw and I agree that we should do as little as possible at this point to find her. She wants me to stay out of it as much as possible and just allow my daughter to deal with her natural consequences. She wants me to stay as detached as possible. Which is actually the way I want it as well. I have always been the "bad guy" and now that she is of age, I would much rather her deal with her life on her own so this way she has no one to blame but herself. At the same time I feel as though I should get that number and give it to the dectective who calls every so often to find out if we know anything. I just feel irresponsible in not doing so. I feel good about my sister knowing the number this way we have a way of contacting her. My sister is not the one who has to go to court and deal with the DA, so her knowing the cell number is not as bad as me knowing it. Ya know?

    And if I chose to give the number to the authorities then my fear would be that my daughter would not trust my sister any longer and we would lost our connection to her. She feels comfortable talking to my sister and has a certain trust for her. I don't want to ruin that at all. I think it is very important for her to be able to contact my sister whenever she needs to. If she finds out that my sister gave me the number she wouldn't trust her anymore. And if God forbid something bad happens I want her to be able to go to sister for help.

    What do I do?????
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a tough call. I'm not sure I'd be inclined to make a call to the detective, however, if the detective were to call me, I would find it pretty difficult, if not impossible.. to lie about it. That's just me. So, my inclination, if it were me, would be to do nothing, remain detached, but if I was asked, I would tell the detective that she had contacted my sister.

    I have to wonder if your difficult child really thought your sister wouldn't tell you about having her cell #. I wonder if there isn't some subconscious effort there to indirectly turn herself in.
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Crazy, thank you for your response. I have told the detective that she calls us but I did not tell him that my sister actually has a phone number to contact her. The last time my sister spoke to my daughter she told my sister that she will eventually turn herself in, she just isn't ready yet. I think she knows that she will be caught at some point, that this is not going to go away, so she is trying to ride it out for as long as possible. One day she is willing to turn herself in and the next she isn't. I guess that's the bipolar coupled with the fact that she really doesn't want to go back to jail.

    I really do believe that she believes that my sister won't give me the number. She and my sister have always been very close and always had a special relationship. And I love that. I love the fact that she feels safe in telling my sister things. Some of the things I am sure I don't want to know so I am happy that she has my sister to turn to. Ignorance is truly bliss. lol

    I'm on the fence as I do want her to be caught because I am terrified that something really bad will happen to her. So there is such a nudge in my heart to give that number to the cops! UURRGGHH!!! Parenthood is such fun!!! :)
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Bran--

    I'm not sure that you actually HAVE a dilemma here....

    If the police detective asked you where she was....what would you say? The truth is that you are not really sure. Do you have any way of getting in contact with her? The truth is that she gave your sister a number that worked at one point, but you don't really know whose phone it is and whether or not she is staying with that person and whether or not she can actually be reached there on a regular basis. You don't really have a whole lot of information right now.

    So I don't think you have anything to worry about....

    But I know you'll worry anyway!


  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I know you are in a really difficult place, and I am sorry. I am not in that place and don't know how I would handle it if I were. I would not break that trust she has with your sister. You are not lying to the detectives. You told them she calls but you have not been given her number. And you haven't. You don't know where she is, and that is true.

    I think she needs that trust. She needs to have a person like that, I think it is important.

    Just my thoughts. Again, I am not in that situation and it must be horrible. Good luck with whatever you decide.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You dont have a number. End of conversation.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    What do I do?

    NOTHING. Keep enjoying YOUR life and get on with being happy.
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Bran,
    I am in agreement with everyone else. Don't give the detective the number. Besides, what can he do with it? It's not like she's going to tell him where she is. Also, she might not even answer if she doesn't recognize the number. As Star said, keep on enjoying your life!

  9. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Yep, I'm with Janet and Star :)
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all SO much!!! I was hoping for that advise as I really don't want to be the "rat". And I am doing really well. I just don't want to be dragged into anymore drama. That drama will come once she is caught and calling me from jail. Can't wait for those calls! In the meantime I will just enjoy the peace.

    You guys are the absolute greatest!!!! :)
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Count me in agreement with Janet and Star.

  12. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thanks Nancy! :)
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others. I'm glad to hear you are doing really well. Hugs to you.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think this is highly likely. She's been in a long-term pattern of making sure she can always blame someone else. This way if she is found, she can try to blame your sister, simply because your sister had the number. Even if she is found purely by accident, she will in her head be telling herself that it's because someone gave the number to the police so they could do that fancy tracking stuff with it to monitor for calls from that number, and so find her.

    So part of her wnts to be found, but wants to be able to blame someone else for it, should getting fond turn out to be an unpleasant experience.

    So she's STILL not willing to take personal responsibility!

    I also think she's testing your sister, to see if she can trust her.

    Thing is - whose number is it really? Is it just the cell phone of someone who is in her general vicinity? Is it a phone she borrows? A phone near where she works or lives? I understand tat a lot of phones are treated as disposable - so is this number still even relevant?

    And that last would tell me that it's probably not worth mentioing the number itself.

    You don't know the number. She has been in touch with your sister. If the police want to know more, they cna ask your sister. Then it's up to HER to have to make the difficult choice.

    It really isn't fair of your daughter, to do this to either you or her aunt. By running like this, then calling and leaving a contact phone number, she is putting you in the position of accessory. If she happens to commit a nasty crime, then you two could be in real hot water, if you could have prevented it.

    But if you turn her in, where is her personal rsponsibility?

    I agree that you shouldn't turn her in, chances are your information is too old now anyway. But she's playing you both. Sounds like she's been doing this for a lot longer than you realise, perhaps. SHe talks nicely to you, to make you think it's all better now - that's when she wants you to feel happy and relaxed about her, so this can buy her time to get away even further. She may be a legal adult, but inside she's a naive kid who is living in la la land.