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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 159537" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Lothlorien, </p><p> </p><p>I'm sending you some extra strength I have lying around because currently I'm doing other battles. Dude seems to be in a place where rages are a rareity. </p><p> </p><p>When I wrote rages are becoming more and more rare I wondered - and thought. OMG what did I do to help him that this IS a rareity? And some things came to mind. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as I could I got him into CBT therapy. My number one suspicion was his anger. I felt if he could somehow get a grip on anger - he'd have 1/2 his problem licked. </p><p> </p><p>So we focused with the therapist on anger management skills. From age 6 - 18 - we have worked on that along with other things - but the focus has been HOW can Dude control his anger. </p><p> </p><p>He said he learned a lot - in knowing "Hey - it's okay to be angry - EVERYONE gets angry." but HOW you handle that anger and what you do with your anger can be the difference between you going to your room or going to jail. And of course jail is rarely an aversion to anger, but it's good to plant a crop of "could be" and hope for "never happens." </p><p> </p><p>We did the removal of nearly everything in our home, we had locks on all the other doors, everthing that could have been used to "hurt" me by breaking was packed up and locked up. It remains there today. My home is tastefully decorated with trinkets from garage sales, but they are meaningless trinkets. The stuff I cherish is packed away.</p><p> </p><p>So with those items gone - the house became the object of frustration and furniture, windows, even the car. So I learned how to to therapeutic holds, got my nose broken and said finally (for the billionth time) THIS IS INSANE no one lives like this. We pulled the full riley on the room - for months - and the holes got worse. I have a masters degree in plaster patch at this point which upon moving will finally pay off. </p><p> </p><p>We thought about and discussed a safe room with our psychiatrist, but thinking 5,10, 25 years down the road - could I actually picture a 23 year old man in a rental screaming and kicking padded walls of his own apartment? I mean age appropriate sure - but what else goes along with a padded anger /safe room? </p><p> </p><p>Coping skills. And I guess I would repeat that until I am blue in the face to you - find someone to work with her NOW at 7 and 75 lbs. to teach her some exercises to alleviate the rage when it builds up. As she gets older she'll learn new skills for her age - but now is a really REALLY good time to think - in 10 years at 17 - what and how do I see her handling her anger? </p><p> </p><p>We gave dude a ball bat and I used to put a tarp down for him to beat TV's up - and he would hit trees, and pound the ground with the bat and SCREAM like he was in pain at the top of his lungs. I got to that DONTGIVEADAMN with the neighbors and moved out to the country so he COULD rage outside and he did. But I had no training to know how to help him when he came down from a rage - no ability to know when or if NOW was the time to process with him what just happened. So I learned, and took classes for parents with our local NAMI groups and others....and despite pills, full rileys, removing it all from the house? The first time i saw and heard Dude USE the skills he had learned (but balked at) I cried. </p><p> </p><p>We both had gotten better at trigger words and how not to escalate a situation. And he said "Mom I need to GET OUTTA HERE and WALK." and instead of chasing him - I let him go. I found him outback with a stick in his hands but sitting on a stump doing breathing exercises and tension release exercises and he said the one he did where he tenses up all his muscles and holds it was the best one - but it takes time to learn how to do it so it helps. </p><p> </p><p>Once he started using those skills - less stuff got broken. I'm not saying NOTHING ever got punched or kicked But I knew to let him go, and about when I could approach him to talk about and process what got him so angry. </p><p> </p><p>So my vote would have to go for learning exercises, finding appropriate outlets for expressing anger, and as a Mom learning when to just let go and what I can and can't say that helps through effective communication. </p><p> </p><p>And pray for maturation. Had to laugh - our family says it has an anger curse - and while I'm the Mom and supposed to be the example - I got angry once to the point of exploding, threw stuff and Dude said to me what I had said to him when he was raging....and it worked. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll leave you alone with your thoughts to find a way to appropriately express your anger." - after I heard that from a 17 year old - I laughed so hard - I forgot what i was angry about. </p><p> </p><p>So it can work. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 159537, member: 4964"] Lothlorien, I'm sending you some extra strength I have lying around because currently I'm doing other battles. Dude seems to be in a place where rages are a rareity. When I wrote rages are becoming more and more rare I wondered - and thought. OMG what did I do to help him that this IS a rareity? And some things came to mind. As soon as I could I got him into CBT therapy. My number one suspicion was his anger. I felt if he could somehow get a grip on anger - he'd have 1/2 his problem licked. So we focused with the therapist on anger management skills. From age 6 - 18 - we have worked on that along with other things - but the focus has been HOW can Dude control his anger. He said he learned a lot - in knowing "Hey - it's okay to be angry - EVERYONE gets angry." but HOW you handle that anger and what you do with your anger can be the difference between you going to your room or going to jail. And of course jail is rarely an aversion to anger, but it's good to plant a crop of "could be" and hope for "never happens." We did the removal of nearly everything in our home, we had locks on all the other doors, everthing that could have been used to "hurt" me by breaking was packed up and locked up. It remains there today. My home is tastefully decorated with trinkets from garage sales, but they are meaningless trinkets. The stuff I cherish is packed away. So with those items gone - the house became the object of frustration and furniture, windows, even the car. So I learned how to to therapeutic holds, got my nose broken and said finally (for the billionth time) THIS IS INSANE no one lives like this. We pulled the full riley on the room - for months - and the holes got worse. I have a masters degree in plaster patch at this point which upon moving will finally pay off. We thought about and discussed a safe room with our psychiatrist, but thinking 5,10, 25 years down the road - could I actually picture a 23 year old man in a rental screaming and kicking padded walls of his own apartment? I mean age appropriate sure - but what else goes along with a padded anger /safe room? Coping skills. And I guess I would repeat that until I am blue in the face to you - find someone to work with her NOW at 7 and 75 lbs. to teach her some exercises to alleviate the rage when it builds up. As she gets older she'll learn new skills for her age - but now is a really REALLY good time to think - in 10 years at 17 - what and how do I see her handling her anger? We gave dude a ball bat and I used to put a tarp down for him to beat TV's up - and he would hit trees, and pound the ground with the bat and SCREAM like he was in pain at the top of his lungs. I got to that DONTGIVEADAMN with the neighbors and moved out to the country so he COULD rage outside and he did. But I had no training to know how to help him when he came down from a rage - no ability to know when or if NOW was the time to process with him what just happened. So I learned, and took classes for parents with our local NAMI groups and others....and despite pills, full rileys, removing it all from the house? The first time i saw and heard Dude USE the skills he had learned (but balked at) I cried. We both had gotten better at trigger words and how not to escalate a situation. And he said "Mom I need to GET OUTTA HERE and WALK." and instead of chasing him - I let him go. I found him outback with a stick in his hands but sitting on a stump doing breathing exercises and tension release exercises and he said the one he did where he tenses up all his muscles and holds it was the best one - but it takes time to learn how to do it so it helps. Once he started using those skills - less stuff got broken. I'm not saying NOTHING ever got punched or kicked But I knew to let him go, and about when I could approach him to talk about and process what got him so angry. So my vote would have to go for learning exercises, finding appropriate outlets for expressing anger, and as a Mom learning when to just let go and what I can and can't say that helps through effective communication. And pray for maturation. Had to laugh - our family says it has an anger curse - and while I'm the Mom and supposed to be the example - I got angry once to the point of exploding, threw stuff and Dude said to me what I had said to him when he was raging....and it worked. "I'll leave you alone with your thoughts to find a way to appropriately express your anger." - after I heard that from a 17 year old - I laughed so hard - I forgot what i was angry about. So it can work. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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