What do you buy for Xmas?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Masta, Oct 12, 2007.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    My 18yr difficult child recently married a boy she had just met and fell pregnant to. She met him in May, fell pregnant straight away and then decided to get married last month.

    Of course we were not to happy about the whole situation but were supportive.

    Well it turns out her husband is 17yrs old and has been incarcerated for 4yrs for being a Sex Offender (turns 18yr in Nov) and is very immature. he has dropped out of school (11th grade) and wont look for a job. my difficult child is living with him and his parents. His parents who are low income earners support their sons choices 100%.

    my new son-inlaw is very immature, so is my difficult child for that matter.

    Their baby is Due Fev 08.

    I dont know what to buy my difficult child and her hubby for xmas. i dont want to waste allot of money since they are the type to always beg for things instead of going to work and earning them. they believe the world owes them everything. i expect this marriage wont last.

    i want to purchase something that has meaning, so i can continue on the tradition with my other kids when they get married for eg: my motherinlaw sends each of her kids an approx $50 hallmark xmas tree ornament that lights up, sings etc. we get a new one and each represents how many yrs we were married. we do like the ornaments but they are not very personal.

    any ideas for a xmas gift for them both and a b/day gift for my new soninlaw?
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well it doesn't sound like there is anything to personal you could buy them, since they don't even really have a place of their own. You may want to think more on the lines of what they are really going to need, especially with the baby coming. Maybe just a token gift for each of them and then put the rest of what you would spend towards baby furniture or something.
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Don't know that I would base their gift on "meaning" since they are likely to take anything of value and exchange it and you are unsure their marriage will last...... I would imagine they are going to need more practical things and less memorable...I would center it on the child if you can and make it so that inlaws cannot "use" the gift. Not sure what to suggest, but do you think they will even be together by Feb? Sorry if you think I have overstepped my bounds.....
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I agree that the best thing to do is buy something for the baby and just a small gift to each of them.
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Last year for Christmas I bought things for my dtr's apt. that she shared with boyfriend. In the Spring they abandoned the apt. because they weren't paying rent and were going to get evicted. My husband and I went and rescued her stuff we had given her for Christmas plus the pet rat and some other stuff that supposedly had sentimental value to her. I decided then and there we would not be buying her any more things at least til we know she can be depended upon to take care of them. For her birthday in May I got her gift cards for restaurants since I knew she had to eat and knew she wasn't doing much cooking. She was very grateful to have them.

    In your case I sure wouldn't be worrying about getting anything that means something--if she is anything like my difficult child was, it won't mean enough to take care of or possibly will be pawned. I stupidly let my difficult child take her deceased dad's guitar a couple of years ago before I realized her true nature. I thought she would take good care of it because it had belonged to her beloved father. Nope, it disappeared, and she still claims she brought it home and I know she never did. We expect the boyfriend pawned it.

    Remember, this marriage is a farce, she is living with low-lifes, she does not have the same values that you do. I would just get something for the baby or something you know they could use and won't end up selling or giving to the in-laws.

  6. Skylark Matrix

    Skylark Matrix New Member

    If you want to get them something of a keep sake value perhaps start them a collection of precious moments, willow tree angels, etc. you know what you like along that line. HOWEVER, keep them at your place until things look like they are going to work out with this couple, and make it baby oriented. Have it in a special place where they and baby can grow up seeing the items and hopefully baby will be a easy child that can appreciate them at an appropriate time. For their Christmas gift consider a small token personal item with a gift card attached to be used in the after Christmas sales for something they need, like a crib, or food, or clothing. Christmas is so hard with this type of child. We have ingrown ideas of wonderful holiday times, but they don't.
  7. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I can only speak from experience. If I were to buy my younger difficult child and his wife something of the keepsake variety, I am sure it would end up at the pawn shop. I buy nice gifts for their kids. For them, I try to get something practical. They are always borrowing my carpet cleaner so this year I am buying them one of their own. So they don't ruin mine. Is that selfish? Or just sensible? Anyway, I do agree that if you are going to do the keepsake kind of thing, keeping it at your house sounds like a good idea.
  8. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi there - hubby and I had the same conversation today at lunch. Our son fathered a child with an ex-girlfriend who is now living with another man who has 5 children of his own with three different relationships. So...there are 7 children (xgf has an older child by another man too) and two adults living in a two bedroom apartment. For my son, he is getting gift cards to restaurants (fast-food type places) and gas cards. That way he won't spend $$$ on cigarettes. For x-girlfriend, gift card for grocery store. For our grandchildren: we currently buy all diapers, baby food, formula and clothes for both kids. Will buy toys and ornaments this year for them.

    It is very sad.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It doesn't sound like they're ready for anything of the keepsake variety. I have to agree with the person who figured it would probably wind up in a pawn shop.

    If you do decide on a keepsake, keep it with you until difficult child is in a stable environment and can appreciate the gift.

    I buy my grandkids each one keepsake ornament a year. This doesn't mean it has to be expensive. Sometimes they're pretty cheap, depends on the ornament and what it means to them/me when I'm buying it. So far, Aubrey's are stored with my xmas decor since Nichole is still living at home. easy child has Darrin's at his house.

    When easy child decorates her tree Darrin will place his ornaments on it himself. When we decorate ours, Aubrey will do the same. (with grown up help) That's a big tradition around here. easy child is 23 and just now got to have her own keepsake ornaments from when she was a child for her own tree. lol I waited til I was sure her and sister in law were stable and owned their own home.
  10. Masta

    Masta Member

    Thank you parents, for your advice. I think I can forget the sentimental stuff and will go for the gift card thing for groceries/clothes or buy something for the baby. They will probably give the gift cards over to the in-laws to use for gas or something but ohh well.

    As for both of their birthdays which are coming up here real soon... I will get my difficult child a giftcard or take her shopping at Wal-Mart for some maternity clothes and for her hubby he will get a gift card to Wal-Mart to buy some clothes for himself. I will take difficult child out to lunch. Hopefully by then her deadbeat hubby will have gotten himself a job.

    My daughter has mentioned pawning my jewelry if I were to pass on (she knows she inherits it in my will, which I will be changing)... so anything expensive will end up there for sure.

    The situation they live in is pretty bad... I have never been to such a dilapidated house in my life; their furniture is in worse condition than what you would find at a thrift/2nd hand store. The house itself is way to small and filthy. Currently I am storing all of my difficult child's wedding gifts here which is kind of scary. My husband thinks they might try and break in one day to get to some stuff and use an excuse for break and entering. I swear if you didn’t know better their house was a drug home with people coming and going. These people waste their money on outings but never have any money for food; they beg their church and go to food banks to eat. Currently the unborn baby is underweight because difficult child isn’t able to eat correctly. She lives off ramen noodles.

    My difficult child’s mother-in-law is in control of both difficult child and her sons life. She manipulates them to believe what she believes, I don’t want to buy anything nice, coz it will either be returned or broken in that home.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I vote for the fast food gift cards and baby store gift cards. Gas station gift cards can be used for beer and cigarettes, Mc Donald's gift cards can't.

    I have a cousin who only gets gift cards to specific stores otherwise he would just pawn anything given to him.

    Maybe spend just a little time and make a small ornament? Keep it on your tree, then later, when YOU feel the time is right give it to her.


  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Good point Susie. Buy them a gc to a restaraunt, so they can't exchange it or use it for anything else.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, this is truly sad. But I think practical is the way to go. I really love the idea of restaurant cards, but make sure they are to the less expensive places such as Fast food and places like Chilis, Applebees, breakfast joints, that kind of thing.

    As for buying baby things, I think it would be nice if you began to accumulate some items, but keep them to yourself; don't even tell difficult child you have them. I would be afraid they'd break in and take that stuff too. And if you daughter does leave that loser and move back home with baby, at least you won't have to confront the scary mother in law to reclaim those items!!

    Sorry, this has got to be so hearbreaking. I hope your difficult child wakes up and leaves that loser before the baby comes along.

  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It does not matter where the gift card is to - they can all be sold. Some places even let you buy a stick of gum and get the change in cash.

    Just do not go overboard. Assume whatever you do will be lost or stolen and do not have high hopes. This way you can not be disappointed.

    I am sorry.
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I'm sorry, Masta.

    What a horrible situation.

    Are you going to be involved in the baby's life if the couple stay married and continue to live as they are?

  16. Masta

    Masta Member

    Barbara, yes I will be involved in my grandbabies life. I will make sure the baby is getting looked after. I have a good relationship with my difficult child's foster care case worker so if I see neglect or abuse I will report it straight away.

    one part of me wants to act like a grandma and go out with difficult child and on my own and buy everything this baby needs. but on the other hand I feel cautious and worried that if I start loving this baby I’m going to get hurt. the difficult child’s mother in law is buying stuff 2nd hand... I don’t know what the baby needs. the mother in law is acting like she is buying for her own child, buys stuff without my difficult child having a chance to select anything. since there was a inkling of an idea that my difficult child was pregnant, mother in law starting buying stuff before the test results came back positive.

    its weird seeing your first born be pregnant. I just turned 16 when I had her now I’m watching her go through the motions of being pregnant without emotion which is really weird. She doesn’t seem excited…she doesn’t feel the baby kick (I’m wondering if she comprehends what she is feeling) and she is 21 weeks. The ultrasound says the baby is ok but underweight.

    difficult child didn’t seem excited about her wedding either… most of her wedding pics she seemed sad and lonely. I think her hubby is the friend (she never had) that she can control and that she isn’t IN love with him.

    As for a gift…. I have come up with the perfect idea for difficult child’s b/day. A pedicure. We can have lunch together then I can take her out and get a pedi together (I have never had one). difficult child can’t take it back. I might take her shopping and get her fitted for a maternity bra as well. As for sister in law… hubby will help him with his easy child…. make him a few cds or something. As for xmas I’ll buy a g/cert for them to have dinner somewhere nice like olive garden.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like you have a good plan. I will hope and pray that the baby is OK. I am sorry your difficult child jumped into a situation in which she seems so sad. It is hard on your Mommy heart to see this.


  18. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    What a nice thing to do together, Masta! :smile:

  19. So sorry to hear about this Masta, I am with the others, save your money for when the grandbaby comes and give your difficult child and her husb. gift cards for inexpensive places to eat such at Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell, ect. They can get a lot of food there for just a bit and may help the baby she is carrying put on some weight. I really wouldn't give them anything else, especially if you already know that the in laws will get it. by the way is this the same guy you wrote about previously that was a sex offender? Either way, good luck and yes, save the money for what the grand baby will need.
  20. Masta

    Masta Member

    Yes Teri its the same guy. :frown: