What do you do to stop the swearing?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by llamafarm, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. llamafarm

    llamafarm New Member

    Not as serious as the physical abuse, the swearing has become rediculous over the past few months. difficult child started with trying to find the best use for the "f" word. The combinations were pretty funny (to me, for a very short time). Yesterday he began using "b" when talking to me. Well, actually while yelling at me. Of course I would rather have the language than the physical conflicts but does anyone have anything that they have done that helps reduce the swearing? I have read in a lot of posts that I am not the only one experiencing this. I suppose it is just a part of life...
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Word substitutions.
    Gotta start with the same letter.
    The usual definition of O M G is not allowed in our house. We use Oh My Goodness.
    Get as creative as you can. Send the kid to the dictionary to find obtuse but true and usable words... learn what they mean and then hurl to your hearts content.

    Go ask Susiestar for a list of ideas... she had some good ones on a thread a while back.
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice as I am dealing with 14 year old difficult child on this issue. I just want to offer my support. I don't know what to do about my difficult child's swearing either. I try to take away her cell phone but she grabs it from me, pushes me, and hits me. Good luck and hugs to you.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Nickle jar? Every time he swears, he has to put a nickle in your jar. Everytime he uses a creative substitution, you put a nickle in his jar?
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    First, you have to make sure the kids are not exposed to that kind of language. I started really early and established the rule that such words were not used in our house. I'm very lucky I've got Aspies (youngest is Aspie-like) because this rule stuck with them and they pretty much don't break it.

    DD1 was exposed to bad language when she was hanging out with the neighbor girl. Since she was exposed to it, it became part of DD1's vocabulary and eventually the words started to slip out of her mouth, even in front of me. So I put the kibbosh on that. I hadn't even realized that neighbor girl's mouth w2as so bad, but once I pointed it out to her, she stopped - it had become second nature.

    Yeah, that's not very helpful, but I can tell you that recently I have been very out of sorts, and under additional stress. Those "bad words" have started escaping my mouth. I think the reason is because I am so stressed and I want to express my anger and frustration, and stress, but I don't have any brain power left to be creative, so I resort to this simple shock value language. BLEH Not pleased with myself at all. Even worse when it happens when I'm hollering at the kids for whatever reason. Yes, I apologize for my use of language.

    Anyway, about a year ago DD1 started asking why we don't use certain words. Well, I explained that more often than not, the way the words are used is incorrect. For example, "Go fornicate yourself!" "You're such a female dog!" That one they are very confused about since they love dogs and don't understand why anyone would think that was a bad thing. "Go to the hot afterlife place evil ppl go to" "Homework just creates a vacuum!" None of these phrases really makes sense, so why say something that doesn't make sense?

    Again, I'm lucky that I've got the type of Aspies that will follow this rule (won't follow the "dirty clothes go in the hamper" rule though) BUT your difficult child is only 11. There's still hope. Does he know what these words mean? You can institute a house rule where you don't use words if you don't know what they mean. If he continues to use them he'll have to (enter consequence). Stop him mid sentence and ask him to rephrase (I'm assuming the cussing isn't happening in a rage or tantrum). Do what a lot of workplaces do and create a cuss jar. It doesn't have to be money it can be points 5 points(cusses) and he has to scrub the toilets. Repeat what he says but with the linguistic phrases from above.

    Whatever you do, try and do it soon, because it does become habit. I know I had a pretty bad potty mouth in 7-9 grades (don't remember exact) It was so bad, that my peers brought it to my attention. Once I was paying attention to it, I was able to curb it. ALSO, apparently FH and I were pretty loose with the lips when son was born. His third word was s**t. Oh what a proud moment! He said it while we were all in the car. FH just looked at each other and decided to cut those words out of our vocabulary.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great ideas here.

    We have used the money thing, too. But we parents have to pay the kids when we do it. It's still 25 cents. None of us can afford more. ;)
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Keista, I love your post. A funny thing for me, I never swore, the first time I even said the F word I was in grad school and my mom STILL got mad! but being around Q swearing from what he has learned in schools over the years..... I now let them slip out when stressed too. Like I sink to his level! NOT my proudest moments for sure. Usually not around him but still because it is not how I used to be it doesn't even feel normal but sometimes I have to admit it relieves a little of the stress.

    the only way it goes down in our house (Q's swearing, I dont do it that much) is to lower the overall stress of the house...not easy to do.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Well, in our house - everyone is guilty of using a curse word now and again...

    but when difficult child's cursing was at its worst - I refused to acknowledge that she had spoken to me until she changed her language. Hey - when kids want something, they learn quick!

    Nowadays, any swearing is handled with "Excuse me?"...or "Is that what we say in polite company?" and that's usually enough to prompt a "rephrase".
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    llamafarm~ When I read the title of your thread, my first thought was "by spending time away from my difficult child!". :rofl:
  10. keista

    keista New Member

  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child is in middle school, where they learn all sorts of new and interesting things. I get they are trying out all of the new words that have been added to their vocabulary, but at the same time, I don't want to listen to it.

    difficult child tells me that he and his friends curse to each other all the time, and in his mind cursing towards husband and me is the same thing. I told him the other day that I am NOT his friend. I am his MOTHER, and he does not speak to me or to his father the way that he speaks to his friends. He is not my equal. His is the child and I am the mother and that position deserves respect. He has not really cursed at me since then, them I'm sure that it's just a matter of time. It always it with him.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Years and years ago, one of the members here sent me a book she bought on Amazon called How to talk to kids so they'll listen and how to listen to kids so they will speak. It's a workbook in progress about effective communication, and there is another version for teens. It's one of the best gifts I ever got. She also sent me moose poop that I promptly ate too - it's delicious candy. But the book was invaluable as an insight and first step into thinking about how I sound to my son.

    I had assumed like many people that I was a MOM therefore I had magially obtained the Mom language and my child would somehow just listen to my every word. I wish this book would be handed out to pregnant women in the doctors offices or everywhere you have to learn HOW to talk to people. Often times things you say has impact and you're not even aware that what you think is or should be taken as a nice compliment is actually hurtful. What does this have to do with cussing? Swearing? Name calling? (Shrug) maybe very little, but the book is an interesting read, and if you're constantly communicating with him in a manner that is effective it really takes the wind out of their sails and gives them a better example - not that the one you're setting now isn't good, but this can teach you to head a lot of things off at the pass so to speak.

    Hope it helps.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I have that one too...
    "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".
    Isn't that a Barbara Coloroso book? I don't have it handy to check.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My kids had to adjust to the idea that some things were grownup things and they just did NOT get them until they were grown ups. Sodas esp when they were very little, expensive chocolate given to Mommy as a gift, Anything by ben and jerry (they are happy with the cheap stuff and eat a ton - I eat maybe 1/4 cup at a time and a pint can last 2-3 months for just me), cursing, caffeine, etc.... Those are all things that are 'grown up' thing and if they want them they can become grownups and pay their own way. NOw we have let the younger two have soda more often, and buy their own B&J and expensive chocolate, but if mom buys them or is given them, they stay far away. Why? Penalty is replacing the item times 3. You eat ANY of my B&J ice cream? You buy me 3 pints. No discussion. It is one thing if I OFFER, but taking? Not a happy thing. If you don't buy it I will cheerfully take your videos to the store and sell them to get the $ to buy them.

    That even motivated Wiz, esp wehn took his fave video games and sold them and then refused to let him buy them back for a few mos.

    I also encourage dictionary reading. So many lovely words. I did that as a kid - great when bored at school. One teacher tried to give me detention for calling a girl a 'terpsichorean' - my dad laughed his head off at her. It means dancer. She was on the Pom squad, which was the step below cheerleader dance team. The rest of school had a FAR less flattering name for the squad. I had other words but that is the one that I remember because my dad was NOT understanding about detention - ever. I didn't serve the detention - neither of my parents would give permission and they had to have that to make me stay.

    You can find all kinds of awful sounding words that let you get that emphasis and if you use those with the emphasis of curse words, it will start to work.

    More importantly,when cursing at a parent there should be some penalty because the lack of respect. I would not curse at my parents now, much less when I was a kid. I was too afraid of what they would do - and they were not abusive. THough mom was incredibly creative (putting tuna juice on my bro's feet and locking the cat in with him while he slept when he refused to go to his room was just one of MANY creative things that taught us to NOT be a pain in her backside!) and we were never sure what she would do to us, she ddn't hurt or abuse us. But we did not get disrespectful to her often. And we regretted it.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I told Q he could continue to call me a "son of a b****" but NEVER call me a son of a gun. Now, as a side thing...he is really into Selena Gomez lately and in a song she says "you are a son of a gun" ...and he said, I promise mom, if you let me listen I will ignore that she is saying bad words.

    Sure enough he will do his typical string of curse words, but he always adds with emphasis...YOU. ARE. A. SON. OF. A. GUN! SO I get really mad at that, LOL....(it has helped decrease the other)
  16. keista

    keista New Member

  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am going to give you my opinion on swearing and I hope it helps. I think working on swearing is one of the most valuable things you can do for your child.

    I was given some completely wrong advice by therapists over the years for my son. They told me that because we were working on some other more complex behaviors to simply ignore his swearing at us or at other people. If we did say anything to just frown slightly and say we werent happy with that talk. Oh was that the wrong approach!

    We should have come down on him like a ton of bricks for any swearing he did because he was swearing from almost as soon as he could talk. I remember when he was around 4 he was fishing with his father and he was reeling in a fish and it got all the way to the bank and just as it got up and he began to take the hook out, it flopped back into the pond. He looked up at his daddy and said just as clearly as all get out "dammit, it got away!"

    By the time he was in elementary school he was cussing like a sailor. I begged the therapists to help me curb this. Nope, we were working on other things. It would solve itself as other behaviors got better. Oh BS.

    Today he is much better behaved but his mouth is causing him awful problems. He cusses without even realizing he is doing it. He has no clue that almost every other word out of his mouth is a cuss word. He is going to end up fired at every job he goes to because of his mouth. No one wants a person who cannot keep a civil tongue in their mouth. I blame those people who forbid me to do what I knew was the right thing. Makes me so mad now. I should have used my own judgement but I thought I was doing the right thing in following their plans.

    Looking back I would have given my son a paycheck for going to school and he would have had to pay me for every cuss word that came out of his mouth. I do think that would have cured him because he is very motivated by money.