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General Parenting
What do you do when your wife/husband HATES your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 8800" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>Hey Chuck~</p><p></p><p>My H is stepdad to my difficult child and I know in his heart he loves her. On SOME level they have a connection and parent/child respect for one another.</p><p></p><p>HOWEVER, I notice that he seems a bit harder on her than easy child, and I notice that even though he knows he's pushing a button of hers, he sometimes doesn't back off. And I notice that difficult child won't back off either. And I notice that difficult child KNOWS when she's doing something she shouldn't or behaving in a manner that she shouldn't but STILL doesn't 'get' why H is upset with her. difficult child tends to exagerate H's reactions to her and his manner of parenting, and I shamefully admit that this was something I contributed to in the early years. </p><p></p><p>When she was younger and we didn't quite know what the heck was going on (rage attacks were termed temper tantrums and dealt with according to what you would do with a non-difficult child), I would intervene on difficult child's behalf when I thought H was being harsh or not understanding her plight, impatient with her, etc. I honestly thought I was 'saving' difficult child from being punished too harshly. Her cry was pitiful and pulled hard on my heartstrings. </p><p></p><p>With counseling, I learned to back off a little and allow H his piece with difficult child. He wasn't violent and just because his style of parenting was different from mine, didn't make it wrong. There were benefits to this, such as, difficult child needed to have a different perspective other than mine alone. difficult child also needed to learn how to get along with someone who wasn't always backing off or jumping through hoops to get her under control (that would be me). It also helped H to see that some of his methods weren't working and that there WERE other issues at play with difficult child - that she was not exhibiting typical child behavior or simply yanking our chains. Allowing H to parent his way helped him realize that we needed to work more as a team and be more understanding of difficult child and how her little head worked. It also helped give me some respite from always being the parent with difficult child. It helped me to also realize that while difficult child was a difficult child, she was also a manipulative young girl with ideas in her head that I couldn't control 24/7. By being 'understanding' I was enabling her in her difficult child-ness and not teaching her better methods of coping with herself.</p><p></p><p>I suggest family counseling. You can go alone, together, with or without difficult child, etc. </p><p></p><p>When there is a difficult child in the family it effects everyone in the home, but the difficult child should not be controlling everyone in the home. I'm sure your wife harbors some resentment if that's happened in the past. And I'm sure that wife feels second in line, after difficult child, if difficult child is dictating how the parenting is done, etc. Some of the dynamics of your relationship with wife and her relationship with difficult child depends also on how long she's been in your lives. My H has been in our lives since my children were babies - he was a close friend of the family. We've been married since difficult child was 6 and lived together for almost 2 years before that. Since difficult child's biodad lives a state away, H has essentially been her main male role model (not the absolute best, but pretty darn good along the way).</p><p></p><p>Share some more of your story and I'm sure you will find many good ideas, support and advice here. Welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 8800, member: 2211"] Hey Chuck~ My H is stepdad to my difficult child and I know in his heart he loves her. On SOME level they have a connection and parent/child respect for one another. HOWEVER, I notice that he seems a bit harder on her than easy child, and I notice that even though he knows he's pushing a button of hers, he sometimes doesn't back off. And I notice that difficult child won't back off either. And I notice that difficult child KNOWS when she's doing something she shouldn't or behaving in a manner that she shouldn't but STILL doesn't 'get' why H is upset with her. difficult child tends to exagerate H's reactions to her and his manner of parenting, and I shamefully admit that this was something I contributed to in the early years. When she was younger and we didn't quite know what the heck was going on (rage attacks were termed temper tantrums and dealt with according to what you would do with a non-difficult child), I would intervene on difficult child's behalf when I thought H was being harsh or not understanding her plight, impatient with her, etc. I honestly thought I was 'saving' difficult child from being punished too harshly. Her cry was pitiful and pulled hard on my heartstrings. With counseling, I learned to back off a little and allow H his piece with difficult child. He wasn't violent and just because his style of parenting was different from mine, didn't make it wrong. There were benefits to this, such as, difficult child needed to have a different perspective other than mine alone. difficult child also needed to learn how to get along with someone who wasn't always backing off or jumping through hoops to get her under control (that would be me). It also helped H to see that some of his methods weren't working and that there WERE other issues at play with difficult child - that she was not exhibiting typical child behavior or simply yanking our chains. Allowing H to parent his way helped him realize that we needed to work more as a team and be more understanding of difficult child and how her little head worked. It also helped give me some respite from always being the parent with difficult child. It helped me to also realize that while difficult child was a difficult child, she was also a manipulative young girl with ideas in her head that I couldn't control 24/7. By being 'understanding' I was enabling her in her difficult child-ness and not teaching her better methods of coping with herself. I suggest family counseling. You can go alone, together, with or without difficult child, etc. When there is a difficult child in the family it effects everyone in the home, but the difficult child should not be controlling everyone in the home. I'm sure your wife harbors some resentment if that's happened in the past. And I'm sure that wife feels second in line, after difficult child, if difficult child is dictating how the parenting is done, etc. Some of the dynamics of your relationship with wife and her relationship with difficult child depends also on how long she's been in your lives. My H has been in our lives since my children were babies - he was a close friend of the family. We've been married since difficult child was 6 and lived together for almost 2 years before that. Since difficult child's biodad lives a state away, H has essentially been her main male role model (not the absolute best, but pretty darn good along the way). Share some more of your story and I'm sure you will find many good ideas, support and advice here. Welcome. [/QUOTE]
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