What do you do when...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mstang67chic, Apr 19, 2010.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    ....you KNOW difficult child is going to need a payee with SSI but he doesn't "need" one?

    We got a letter stating that it looks like difficult child will be getting SSI (YAY!!!) and we've mentioned to him that he should think about having someone act as his payee because of his difficulty hanging onto his money.

    Nope. He doesn't need one or want one.

    This is someone who almost literally gets twitchy with the need to spend his money as soon as he gets it in his grubby little hands.

    I know once he gets his own place and starts getting checks, the money will be gone in a week and so will his food. Even without him in our house and our expenses going down dramatically....until I get a job, we won't be able to afford to help him out much. I'll buy what food I can for him if he really is out but he's stubborn. I won't do this forever.

    I'm sure some of you have come up against this. How did you handle it?
  2. mstang67chic,

    The examining or reviewing doctor always gives an opinion whether or not they believe that the applicant needs supervision of funds. Have you actually seen the Award letter yet? It should give an indication.

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Congratulations on getting SSI.....that should help him with somethings. I wouldn't imagine there is too much you can do. Except for getting guardianship of him so that you can have a say in where his monies go I think it is up to him. Remember the problems D3 and her grandson had with his biomom?
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    The letter he got states in part:

    Please come to the XXX Social Security Office with someone you trust who can serve as your representative payee within 5 days in the afternoon and ask for any SSI Representative.

    It looks like your disability claim will be allowed. We need to update your income, resources and living arangements before we can pay you any benefits.

    So does this mean that a payee is pretty much automatic at this point?

    As a lovely side note I'm about ready to smack difficult child repeatedly. I couldn't take him to the SSI office today so he called the number and left a message. I also asked him to rethink the payee thing. I'm literally talking to him and he walks into his room, shuts his door and goes to bed. THEN has the cajones to ask me what MY problem is.

  5. mstang67chic,

    Yes, he's going to need a payee if that's what the letter states. That means the examining or reviewing doctor opined that he needs one. I wouldn't recommend that you sign on to be the payee unless there is no one else to do so. It can create great conflict within a family. It's a hard job and usually works better if it is done by someone who has no family ties or is immune to , well you know, lots of frequent requests for money....

  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Yep, that letter means he has no choice. He *must* have one. thank you's managed to blow his relationship with a few nonprofits (and I adamantly refuse to be his payee), so now he's with a for-profit organization as his payee. If you don't want to be payee, check with social service agencies (mental health) in your area, or state dept of mental health.
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

    Can't wait to tell him THAT!!!

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, he has to be a payee but I will warn you, he can choose anyone who is over 18 and doesnt have a criminal record to be his payee which is why I am Cory's payee. At least that is what we were told here. Which meant Cory could have had his girlfriend of the month be his payee and I wasnt having that.

    At the moment, I pretty much let Cory have free reign of his money because he is the one doing without if he doesnt manage it. I really cant see why he needs a payee myself. They took him off one for over a year then it came back on suddenly. His doctor released him but I think some glitch in the system fouled it up and showed where he had a payee before. The system is FULL of glitches.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    While I am glad that he will need a payee so that he won't be able to blow all the money the day he gets it, I urge you and husband to NOT be his payee. I would also encourage you to have him move out with the first payment if at all possible. He may balk at moving out once he sees how far his money WON"T go once he pays for rent, bills and food.

    It will cause you a LOT of stress to have to handle his money (think of him writing checks even when there is no money in his account and expecting YOU to make up the difference because you are "responsible" for his $$. I have seen several difficult children do this to their families. It has ruined almost every holiday for the last couple of years for one friend of my moms.

    PLEASE don't let yourself be drawn into his business that much. Plus, if he gets it into his head that he isn't getting all of his money then he very well may accuse you of stealing from him. He may very well say that you are "taking" his money to pay your bills while you are out of work. I know you wouldn't, but it could end up being a HUGE problem, even potentially a legal one if he gets mad because you say he cannot buy something because he doesn't have the $$.

    This is all kinds of headaches you don't need. Let him go and ask the SSI people who he should call to arrange a payee. You are NOT obligated to do this. In fact, he will probably learn about money a LOT faster if he has someone else be his payee.

    I am glad he is getting this though. Just make sure you have a list of food banks and free meal places to give him when his money runs out. He will learn better from that list than he will from having you give him groceries.
  10. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Susie - that's exactly why we're not thank you's representative payees. I figured the very last thing I needed in my life was thank you calling night and day for $$$ to buy... whatever. I felt selfish saying "no" but... really, the thought of him flipping out because his rent was paid but there was no cash for cigarettes, and it would be all my fault, was more than I could stomach. I need that aggravation like I need a hole in my head.

    For most of the first year he was out "on his own", he led a pretty deprived existence. He learned where the youth shelters were that provided meals, etc. (he had cut us off for several months). When he did make contact with- us again, we were happy to provide some extra groceries. I think he got a whopping $12/week for food.

    He's still leading a fairly marginal existence but it's better. It's hard to watch them struggle, but... I know in my heart that he wouldn't have taken any advice from us anyway, so as hard as it's been, we just kind of stand back and let him figure it out.
  11. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    The only thing I plan on doing in regards to difficult child's payee is call around tomorrow to find an agency to help him with this. No way in HADES I want anything to do with it!
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Maybe we should ask Miss KT to make some calls for him, look things up in the phone book...

    No wonder we're tired...
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green


    OMG....I would LOVE to see them work on something together!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I had the experience of being Cory's payee all those years from early childhood on till he grew up so it was no big difference to him. He didnt bother me more the day after he turned 18 as he did the day before. Now his money comes on a debit card and I just ask him are his bills paid? He says yes...I say good. His problem.