What do you do with the sadness?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Mar 11, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all.... well it is a lonely weekend in a way because my husband is out of town. The good news he is seeing our son so at least I am getting a first hand report. My son seems to be doing ok although he is having a lot of trouble finding a job. He has been called back a couple of times and thinks then they check his record and find out he was convicted of a felony. That made me feel so sad and so bad for him, although I don't feel guilty because he got himself into that spot. Then I went to the HS play tonight which my daughter is in. It was a wonderful show. One of the lead boys I knew as a child and he was a real handful. On the one hand I am glad he has become such a talented young man and yet it made me feel so so sad that my son could not turn things around and went down the path he did. I realize that in a way I am just wishing my son was different, because he never would have ended up a lead in a HS show... that was never ever his thing. But I just feel so sad for him right now and the path he has taken, and I am worried that he won't be able to get a job. That is what he needs more than anything! My husband is down there and giving him some really good suggestions which my son is following up on so hopefully that will lead somewhere.

    It just feels sad though to me that at this point I am just glad my son is currently sober.... like where are those expectations we have of our regular normal kids.

    I just hate feeling this great big lump of regret for him..... yet he has to find his own road, no matter how rocky and hilly it might be. Yet it hurts my momma heart that he has made life so difficult for himself.

    How do the rest of you deal with these feelings?
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'll let you know when I find a way to deal with them.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand. I get that sadness a lot of time with all my kids some days. Can you imagine that Jamie was such a total fool that he went through 4 years in the military and DIDNT get the GI bill? How stupid was that? I mean what a complete and utter waste of time. Because he let a girl talk him into not checking the box so they wouldnt withhold $100 a month for the first year...he blew his entire GI Bill. What an imbecile. If that 100 meant that much we would have given it to him. Duh. You dont do a four year tour in the military and not get the educational benefits! Thats the point! I could have literally killed him. Really. And trust me I take every opportunity to rag on him about it.

    Billy is smart. Associates degree in Computer Networking. Some kind of certificate or certification in HVAC. What does he do? Works at Radio Shack for basically a bit over minimum wage and some commissions. I think he makes about 1300 a month but has nothing but some computer junk and a 2500k car. And he still lives with me! Cory and Mandy we just wont talk about. I am fed up with them.

    You know the only one I like? Keyana's mother!
  4. AHF

    AHF Member

    A couple of years ago I took all our old VHS home movies and used various computer programs to turn them into a 3-hour DVD. I haven't watched it in a while, because every time I do, I weep. And yet it was therapeutic to put the DVD together, and sometimes it's therapeutic to watch it. It reminds me that they WERE beautiful children, that we DID have magical moments. That a life isn't defined just by where a person "ends up," but by all the experiences that happen over its course. That such lovely, imaginative, loving children turned into the adult monsters I deal with now breaks my heart. But I didn't make those children up. They existed; our lives were intertwined. Nothing can take that away.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    How do I deal with it? I try to focus on even the slightest positive thing that I can find. I remind myself to Love What Is. Still, there are many times when the sadness is just too big to battle.

    I'm facebook friends with a few of difficult child's high school friends, and we have a ton of nieces and nephews who are in college, grad school, landing internships, travelling to Europe, landing jobs and just having normal fun. My daughter lives in a world filled with drama, pot, sex, more drama.....

    And I know exactly what you mean about the kid with the lead in the play. So many times I look at what her cousins and friends are doing and I think "You could be having fun like that, too." It's hard.

  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It is very sad and not easy at all to deal with. I've been looking at every little boy I see lately and wishing I could bring my son back to that age and start over again and wonder if he would be any different. If I knew then what I know now, there are so many things I would have done differently.

    I remember when the kids were younger and there were days I couldn't wait until they grew up and became independant so I could have some freedom. Yeah right!!

    I envy the people whos children are grown and out of the house and living life the way they should be. Mine is out of the house, but he's not living the way I always thought he would be.

    I think the saddest part is wondering if they will always be this way??? Will there ever be a day that we can look back and say, we can relax now, they made it!!

    I know exactly how you feel, but I haven't figured out how to deal with it and not be sad about what he has done to his life.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Because NOTHING is permanent.........and even a caterpillar unusual, and unappreciated as most are? Stops, takes its time, changes, and becomes some of the coolest moths or a beautiful butterfly and then everyone says "OHhhhhhh look how cool."

    -I happen to like caterpillars AND Moths.....both have their own beauties
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    That sadness got much better when my detachment skills improved.
    RE: feelings of loneliness....
    Well, when my husband is out of town, etc. that is hard for me. I have some hobbies that I enjoy and they bring me much happiness, peace, tranquility. Two in particular are reading and exercise. So, if I see that I am going to have a little too much alone time, I make sure to go to the gym and have tons of books around. I also might put in a quick call to a good friend.
    PREPARATION, for me is key. Do you have any hobbies? Very good friends to call in a pinch?
    Try your best to keep your mind off of your difficult child. Like what has been said, there are good days and bad. Don't get on the roller coaster. Run your OWN race. Enjoy life, as best as you can. Prepare...move forward. Hang in there.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks all for your thoughts, suggestions and understanding. It sure helps to know others know exactly what I am talking about. Today was hard, mostly because husband was out of town and i was not productive and brooding a little. I went and helped out at the play tonight and that put me in a much better mood. :) And today I have been reminding myself of the serenity prayer.... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.... and one thing i sure can't change is the past. My husband spent the day with my son and just sent me some pictures... wow he looks really good!!! That warmed my heart....he really looked good and there is a nice picture of the two of them and my son has a cute smile on his face. He looks better than he has in a long time.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know what...reading this stuff made me think. Cory can drive me to distraction but he also gave me one of my greatest gifts...Keyana. I know I drove my Dad absolutely nuts and he probably worried about me daily for years but I gave him 3 grandkids and 3 great grandchildren. Somehow the sadness is like childbirth pain, when the good times come, the sadness is forgotten.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so glad you got to see a picture of your son and that he looks good.

    The sadness is at times unbearable for me. My husband travels a lot and I am left alone with my thoughts and fears. Thankfully easy child has stayed home on the nights he has traveled since difficult child left. She often stays at her boyfriend's during the week. She has been a great comfort to me, but during the day when I was so busy before with two kids at home, I am now left thinking about what difficult child is doing and whether she is alive or dead.

    I think you did good by getting involved in the play. I have to find something to keep my mind off my difficult child. I am facebook friends with a few of her old good friends and it is sad when I see what they are doing and how normal their life is. The good thing is that they are so nice to me and have told me that they feel terrible for us (they like us and they understand difficult child is troubled). I look back on all the things difficult child missed out on and I worry about her finding a legitimate job also. Right now she is dancing in a strip club and probably doing worse things for money. I don't think she will ever re-enter normal society.

    I'm sorry you are sad. I sure do understand that sadness, so you are not alone. All we can do is walk through the pain until it gets easier.

    Last edited: Mar 13, 2011
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy.... I hope you had a really good time in NY? Did you. I think that sounded great and a good way to deal with everything. I am doing better as the weekend is almost over and my husband will be home on Tuesday.... and I am lucky to have a great relationship with my daughter and she keeps me laughing. Of course she has been gone all day at the play and I was not there tonight. But I have been enjoying some peaceful time at home. My husband called after dropping my son off... of course I can't get many details out of husband but it does sound like my son looks good and is happier than he has been in a long time. My husband told him when he left to keep up the good work he is doing and my son said he intends to. My husband had the feeling my son was really glad to see him.... so next time my husband has a trip down there i may go too... assuming my daughter doesn't need me here.

    I have realized that I have to let go of the past, it is one of those things I cannot change so I just need to accept it was the way it was.

    I know you don't have much hope with your daughter right now and she isn't giving you much.... but she may still hit bottom and decide the life she is living is not what she wants. I know you can't count on that right now but it may still happen.
  13. Bean

    Bean Member

    Ditto that, hon.