What do you do

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
I have long felt that every neighborhood should have a sanctuary with a sound proof room in which women on the verge could just let go of all the rage and pain.

I learned to stop being a sponge for everyone's emotions. I learned to tap into the nasty part of me which I didn't know existed. I used to be such a "nice" person, now when I hear about the difficult children' latest problems due to their "I'm so special behavior" I chuckle in a knowing way! They got themselves in a pickle and it's no longer MY problem.

Graduation time can be so painful. One twin graduated with his class, the other looked on from the wings. He had his fun, his sex, drugs and rock and roll. His children will ask to see his yearbook. He doesn't have one. They will ask why he did not graduate with his twin. He will have to explain his decisions to them, I'm done with him.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain again.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
Nancy, you have been to heck & back with your difficult child. Heck, we've all cried along with you many many times.

And saying that, at a certain point you need to begin building a brick wall around your heart. Just to protect your emotional, spiritual self. Protecting those areas will help protect your physical well being.

It's very important with a difficult child (or 2, maybe 3, god forbid 4 or more) to be gentle with yourself & not take on every battle or feed into or accept every term of endearment shouted our way with such great love..

Honey, it's time....time to take care of you & let the chips fall where they may. difficult child is old enough not to have to be rescued from all of her choices ~ all of her antics. The next time she comes running to you for help let her know that she's a young adult now & she must fix the problem. AND that you love her (even if you're not feeling the love).

(((((hugs)))))
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Nancy, mine is not even going to her Senior Ball. I was disappointed. But, when I think about the stress that would come with the day.....I do not envy you.

difficult child will be 18 in 30 days. A job would be nice. How about a drivers license? She is so far behind!

Oh, and there is a place for us - it is called Kohl's. LOL! That is what I end up doing when avoiding going home. I shop!
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Nancy....I cant say that I learned to stop letting these things hurt me because they still do hurt. Every time I think about the fact that I never got to see the normal events with Cory I feel a stab in my heart. It does hurt. It hoovers that I never got to see him dress up for Prom or watch him walk across the stage to graduate. The only picture I have of him in a cap and gown is when he was 4 and graduated Head Start. Funny how I saved that picture and cherished it so much. I must have had a premonition that it would be the only time I would see him dressed that way.

These kids can stomp on us, abuse us, and really wear us down. But somewhere deep inside we never stop wanting the best for them and whenever we see even the tiniest glimmer of progress for them, our hearts start beating with rekindled hope. We are moms. Its what we do. Even if our kids are out of our homes we will always love them and be worrying about them even if it is all bottled up inside. Sometimes the only way we can show our love is to keep telling them we know they can do it. That they have to do it out in the real world without us but that we have faith in them. And then we cry in our pillows.

I love my kids. I have been so terrified for my kids. Sometimes all I can do is watch from the sidelines as life takes them and I cant do a darn thing about it.
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
Nancy, hugs. I know it's little comfort when you feel so much despair.
I think when we are always advocating to help our kids even if difficult child's don't care, we continue to hope. It's almost impossible to believe that no amount of family stability, love, boundaries, professional care makes any difference than if you had ignored and tolerated all her behaviors.

It makes our whole life of parenting this child look like a waste of time, energy, love and money.

I would say that I threw in the towel. He sabotaged himself and didn't seem to appreciate what opportunities he threw away. I just didn't care to feel so beaten any longer. I swallowed my shame and just disengaged. I just wasn't "a sponge" for the guilt I felt was thrown at me. I turned my back to self criticism and public opinion. I keep telling difficult child the truth. If you don't act likeable, no one will like you. I no longer felt I had to be therapeutic. He was 23 after all. I didn't set out to hurt but I was giving him the unvarnished truth. After not caring, difficult child seemed to grow up a little and make some efforts. I almost feel a little squiggle of hope again but I'm not letting it get in the way.

I filled my life with people, pets, hobbies, work that gave me a sense of being able to do something productive. His life wasn't all that important to me anymore. It was his.
difficult child seems to want to grow up now
.

I don't believe my disengagement did anything for difficult child. I think he just matured a bit. It just meant I wasn't holding my breath for any sign of improvement. I just didn't care to keep my life is suspense waiting for difficult child to make it or not.

After 18 fill your life with other things. She can act appropriately and be included in family activities or she can not be included. It's a choice and you are under no obligation to give her special chances.
I don't get the joy difficult child's improvement it would have a few years ago. I'm glad for him but it's his accomplishment and his choice.

I hope these next few weeks pass quickly.
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
I don't believe my disengagement did anything for difficult child. I think he just matured a bit. It just meant I wasn't holding my breath for any sign of improvement. I just didn't care to keep my life is suspense waiting for difficult child to make it or not.

Fran, that's what I've finally realized in the last few years. difficult child's success or not is not dependent on what I do or don't do. It is all his responsibility. I spent so many years thinking I could "fix' what was wrong. And I finally realized that maybe, just maybe, my fixing things was what was wrong. When I stopped, he began to grow. And while I am proud of his growth, it has really nothing to do with anything I did.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Nancy, I hear you and feel for you.
I was like that the other day.

I just went to bed.

I have gone for long walks in the rain, too. Somehow, crying in the rain seems appropriate.

Your daughter is close to 18. Things will change. She will be responsible for herself soon, for better or for worse. Tonight, my son served himself a bowl of chili. Left a gob of chili all over the stove, no big deal. I thought, when he's out of the house and in his own apt., it will look like this. He will never clean. There will be soda and beer cans all over the place. Bugs and cockroaches. He will plunk himself down in a comfy (filthy) chair and play video games.
Not my problem. I know he will call me in a panic, beg me to clean.
Nope. I'm planning it out already.
I have WAY lowered my expectations.

I am so sorry that your daughter is being such a PITA. I suspect my son will blow it when it comes to proms. I try not to think about it.

Many hugs.
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
That's what I love about this group. You are all so wise and know exactly what to say. Our stories are all different and yet we all have the same emotions.

I swallowed my pride and asked difficult child is she wanted me to meet her at the mall after her hair while she got her make-up done. It's been sort of a tradition with both girls for their dances that I would go with them to the make-up counter and embarrass them by taking pictures and then go buy them new perfume to wear. I couldn't stand the thought of being shut out of this day with her. To my surprise she said yes.

The group she was in went downtown to take pictues at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I had vowed I was not going. husband gently suggested we go because I would regret it. She seemed to really be happy we were there. It won't make any difference tomorrow but for tonight it made me feel good.

Nancy
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Nancy...Im glad you went. Just take whatever small moments of happiness you can.

For me, happiness is when I get a quick kiss on the cheek now almost every time Cory sees me. Absence seems to have made the heart grow fonder for us...lol.
 

Fran

Former desparate mom
Nancy, you are a mother who loves her child despite her horrid behavior. You take joy where you can. Good for you to find something positive in this day.

Everywomen, we all seem to come to the same conclusion. Hopefully we will watch our difficult child's come to find their own path and we get to just watch from a distance but sheesh somehow, the card on Mother's Day doesn't quite cut it for all the pain and anguish.
 

daralex

Clinging onto my sanity
It's just like that - the bad days are enough to make you completely break down so the days that are good become a relief instead of joy. I think if any of us had the answers we wouldn't be here. I don't believe there is one answer, just different ways to look at things. Everyone had great suggestions. I have a bad habit (or good?!) of cleaning the whole apartment. I put music on that I like and play it loud. I grab a wet rag and off I go. It gets rid of a lot of that bad energy. Needless to say boyfriend always knows whether it's been a good or bad day depending on how claen the house is. If it's spotless he just comes over and gives me a hug! I hope this harder than normal spot is gone for you soon. Hang in there! I am truly so very sorry for what you are going through - I know how it feels.
 

ShyChelle

New Member
Just want to give you a hug and some support!!!!! This too shall pass. You are a wonderful person. Sometimes we just need a reminder of that.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
You know in rereading this post I realized that some of you may actually have somewhere to go. Since I am not one of the most religious CD family members it sounds a bit out of character..but..in many cities the Catholic churches are still unlocked during the daylight hours and open to anyone. Even if you are not Catholic, there is often a peacefulness found there. Rarely are the churches brighty lit. Always there are candles lit. Never have I found noise in the church. It is unnecessary to "do" anything. You can just be there with your own pain, your own thoughts, perhaps your own personal prayers. It would be extremey rare for you to be approached by anyone.

I have spent many hours "regrouping" in empty Catholic churches in other cities. The most religious experience I ever had was in a lovely church in Wisconsin that bordered a beautiful lake. The only sound in the church other than my own breathing was the sound of boaters in the distance. Perhaps it could help a bit. DDD
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Nancy,

I think over the years despite whatever your difficult child has thrown at you, you've remained a rock solid person. Someone I admire very much. I'm sorry I missed your post and wasn't able to give you any sage advice for this occasion. I'm happy that your husband was able to urge you into going to watch the photo shoot. Despite our children being so ugly inside on occasion it's amazing how beautiful they are on the outside.

I think what happens as they mature is that THEY themselves are able to find something on the inside that makes them feel beautiful or good or happy. When you feel ugly inside all the time it's impossible to feel pretty on the outside. When you don't feel pretty? It's easy to be ugly to others becaue you just don't care.

When they finally do have that lightbulb moment - or when their deal with their higher power comes to fruition it's an amazing thing to watch happen after all the years of struggling and crying. I'm sure your daughter was upset for whatever she said to you more than you think.

As far as advice? Ugh - I drive around with my dog and talk to him. I'm sure his ears are shorter than they would have been without me talking them off. Personally I didn't want a place to cry as much as I wanted a place to scream, but have found a lot of solace in Nomads #6. I learned to just walk away hurt, and quickly busy myself with other things that really needed my attention. If I ever tried retail therapy? I'd be living in a box.

Our lives are not for sissies.

Hugs & Love
Star
 
N

Nomad

Guest
I'm so very sorry. Your posts brought tears to my eyes. I am familiar with your pain.

I use to curse at the refrigerator. I use to drive around aimlessly. I use to shake my fist at G-d. I use to ask everyone and their grandmother for answers.

One day I realized, there are none.

Please read my last post at PE forum (Family Update #14)

Detaching, prayer, FA mtgs, moving forward...has changed things for me in a MAJOR way.

Wishing you and your family well.

(Hugs)
 

Marguerite

Active Member
The other evening I witnessed an unpleasant argument between sister in law & her older daughter. The family are staying with mother in law for the wedding, the girls have gone home and left the parents to have a much-needed week's holiday with us. Their father has his personal itinerary planned, he is visiting friends in nearby towns. Their mother is looking forward to spending some precious days with her mother. The girls are PCs (mostly) but the elder as been asked to do a bit of ferrying around of her younger sister on Saturday, she has some responsibilities to do. One of those is to help her older sister in her dance school, but this weekend was already discussed, younger sister had to do other things. Older sister decided to get very resentful the other night and insist she wouldn't do the ferrying around, if her sister wouldn't help her as usual (which would mean having to drop out of other important responsibilities).

I listened to sister in law trying to sort thisone out. She ragedd at her daughter; she told her she was selfish, ungrateful, mean, spoiling all plans, going back on agreements - I listened (couldn't help it) and wondered who she was talking to, was it another fight with brother in law? sister in law was saying things I never would have, not in that way. Then sister in law came out, eyes red. Later niece came out, eyes red. There was a lot of tension, we all had to pretend there was nothing wrong. Very awkward.

What really came across to me - the parents were trying to resolve this by each separately talking to daughter, then talking together, more arguing (in quiet whispers) and I saw parents divided by a daughter who wanted her own way.

I love my nieces, don't get me wrong. But they have learnt the wrong way to argue, from their parents. My niece was using divide & conquer rtechniques because she has witnessed her parents arguing with one another in very emotional, unreasonable and unproductive ways.

sister in law took it all to her heart and was the most hurt of all. It wasn't right.

The lesson from this - our children will hurt us. It does happen. As parents we need to be united, as much as possible. We should not let our children see any chink in a united front. Of course we aren't always going to agree, but we need to disagree with one another vwery privately and come to a mutual decision which we present as such to the child.

And the biggest lesson - learn to detach and NOT take it all to heart.

Sometimes we can't help this. So we need our own "walk away" strategy. DDD suggested sitting in a church - that's a good one. Any place of worship which is open can help. Or an art gallery, or a museum. Or a garden. Or the bathroom.The aim - to lose yourself in something different, something tranquil, somewhere apart where you can get some physical distance and regain your balance.

And above all - you HAVE to turn off your personal feelings and remind yourself it is NOT all about you, it is about the other person and THEIR issues.

Not always but mostly - if your child sees how much they have hurt you, then you have just openly handed your child a dangerous weapon and said, "Now feel free to bludgeon me with this whenever you want to hurt me again."

Displaying our pain to our children MAY, ONCE, demonstrate to the child the damage they have just wrought. But it comes at a huge price.

This is a lesson I have tried to share with people on this site from time to time. Most of you have learnt this. Some of you are slow learners and that is when I want to walk away and not continue to try to teach this. Because sometimes in trying to teach this over and over, I am afraid I am boring people, or they are switching off because they NEED to scream at their kids and use emotional blackmail arguments, in order to make their wayward kids feel as badly as they, the parents, do. sister in law does this. I can't teach her anything, she doesn't want to know. THis is one more reason for me to act as if nothing is happening, because if I say ANYTHING, then I know she will use it on me - she will attack and criticise every possible fault in me she can see, and too much will be said to ever draw back from. If I say nothing, we end up communicating more effectively in the long run. Ironic.

Whenever we are dealing with our kids, we need to put our own pain aside for that moment. We need to think, "Will what I say help my child move forward in this and do better? Or weill it only make things worse and make it more difficult for her to come back from her position of wrongness?"

In this post Nancy, what I glean - you want to know what to do with those feelings of extreme pain when you need to retreat and lick your wounds. This tells me that you are one of those people who IS trying to argue appropriately and to walk away when you need to, to avoid dumping your pain onto your child purely as retribution. In which case, the best advice I can now share - if you are doing this then it will eventually reduce in intensity and frequency. It DOES get better. You just have to keep training your child to work on her own problems and not use your own weapons against you.

Marg
 
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