What do you know about Borderline Personality Disorder?

[whatamess]

I feel like, in one situation, I fit this description...when dealing with the school district that has hidden emotional abuse of my child and keeps driving me to extremes as far as trying to protect him. What do you know about Borderline (BPD) and can a person be part-time? Ha ha -<cry>

 

[BusynMember]

Is that the only way you feel you have it or do you have unstable relationships and moods a lot? If you're really interested, I can send you some links. PM me if you want them.

 

[TeDo]

There is a wonderful book I read about Borderline Personality Disorder. It's called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I can't remember the author's name. If you are not sure, read it and if "it's talking about me!", you probably have it. If not, you don't. No, this is not something you can have part-time. Nice try though!

 

[svengandhi]

No, Borderline (BPD) is not a sometimes thing. My sister has it and it's much of the reason why I haven't dealt with her in over 10 years and don't plan to ever again.

EVERYTHING is about her or is a plot against her or revolves around her... I got sick of it. On top of being Borderline (BPD), she is a narcissist par excellence - even puts my NP type hubby to shame.

 

[whatamess]

I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is actually a book written for those that live/work/love those with Borderline (BPD), and I think my difficult child's school district would perceive my actions that way, so when I look from their perspective it would fit nicely, but I don't feel like I have that way of dealing with people in other facets of my life. Hmmmm

 

[DammitJanet]

I have Borderline (BPD) and most of the time I can behave fairly okay but this is after about 5 years of therapy and some good medication. I can actually tell when I am having a borderline moment or day. When that happens I just tell folks to stay away. Of course, there are times when going borderline has its benefits...lol.

 

[whatamess]

Can anyone with Borderline (BPD) give examples of situations that bring out the borderline in you? And then what the interaction looks like?

 

[DaisyFace]

Whatamess--

I do not have Borderline (BPD) - but I have learned a lot about it lately pursuing a diagnosis for my difficult child.

I would say that BPDs are the ULTIMATE passive-aggressives, the ULTIMATE two-faced liars, they have to be the center of attention all the time and no one is a bigger victim than they. You can never resolve anything with a Borderline (BPD) because they have trouble admitting their own culpability - it is always the fault of others who are only out to get them or "ganging up on them". You will never be able to "top" a Borderline (BPD) because they've had it worse than you, longer than you, they're more experienced than you, seen more of the world than you, and on and on and on....

on the other hand - you don't have to have Borderline (BPD) to behave badly. We have all done that from time to time....we have all had less-than-stellar moments when dealing with others. We can ALL be passive-aggressive. We ALL play the victim sometimes. We ALL like to be the center of attention. And sometimes, we don't like to admit that we are wrong...

It only becomes a disorder when your actions/reactions are extreme compared to the norm.

 

[justbritt]

My 14 year old daughter was diagnosed with Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD) ( Central Auditory Processing Disorder) in third grade, she is now 14 and fits every aspect of the Obediant Defiant Disorder spectrum. I just read an excellent book called
The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It was the best book I ever read,

no technical terms just right to the point with lots of wake up calls.

I have an appointment for her with a behavorial specialist and will be asking for a referral for a familt therapist. Her behavoir has caused complete chaos in our home and as of now, my husband and I might as well be living in two different worlds.

Please share your stories and tell me how to safe a marriage in this situation. I feel like my husband can not stand his own daughter and refuses to understand that it will take a lot of work.

 

[barneysmom]

Janet, you are leading the way with recovering from Borderline (BPD). It's a tough one. I salute you. There is so much new stuff out on Borderline (BPD) now, but it wasn't around when you started your recovery. You had to blaze a trail for yourself and you did it. And recently being so ill -- I read all those posts when you were in the hospital. And you still go on.

I too have read quite a bit about Borderline (BPD) because I thought gfg17 was showing many symptoms. He is making good progress in dealing with extremes of emotion that overtake him, which are really hard for him. He is gaining some self-awareness and more awareness of others.

There is a ton of new info out on Borderline (BPD) that is hopeful and encouraging.

Jo

 

[DammitJanet]

I think Borderline (BPD) does get easier to cope with as one gets older too. Or maybe we just get more tired...lol.

For me, when I started therapy and learned I actually had borderline, I only really understood a few emotions. Yeah knew there were words for lots of different emotions because I am not stupid but I only recognized maybe 3 or 4 in myself. Thinking back I think they were rage, happy, sad. I didnt understand that most of the time I was really angry because I was scared. I would have never linked fear to anger. I learned that. I also learned that I can get really irritable when I am sad or feeling badly. I can cry when I am hurt. I know so many more emotions now but that also leaves me very vulnerable and I dont like vulnerable. Borderline (BPD) people dont do vulnerable well. I am in a bad place right now because I opened myself up to being vulnerable and I have had losses recently that make me wish I hadnt. Loss is hard for people with Borderline (BPD). Love is a very hard emotion for people with Borderline (BPD).

Really, Borderline (BPD) isnt a good description of this disorder. Emotional dysregulation disorder would be a better name. Our emotions are right on the top where we dont know how to control them. Its almost like we dont have a skin over top of our emotions so we cant block anything from touching our emotions and setting them off. They leak out all over the place just like a burn would weep if there was no skin to cover it. With help, you learn to regulate (or bandage) those wounds. I learned to tell my family that I was scared if they were late getting home so could they call me to tell me they were going to be late so that I wouldnt just scream at them as soon as they walked in the door. Then I knew all was well...they were just late...not laying in a ditch somewhere dead as I was imagining for hours on end.

All this took years of hard work. I still work HARD! You cannot imagine how hard it is not to pick up the first thing I see and throw it across the room when I get mad. How hard it is not to yell at people to get the F out of my house and leave me alone so I can push them away before they can leave me. (The old I will not let you hurt me because I will hurt you first syndrome)

If you read my post in WC you can see that I have been a bit upset the past couple of days. That is a bit of my Borderline (BPD) showing through. I get irritated and I cant let go. Of course, Im not "bad" enough that I would go out and stalk anyone or actually do more than vent on here.

 

[barneysmom]

Thank you Janet for this beautiful, excruciating description of Borderline (BPD). Learning about Borderline (BPD) has helped me to have more compassion for my son -- I can glimpse how painful it must be not to have a skin over the top of my emotions. I can't imagine this, nor can I imagine the patience and determination it must take, to learn to regulate.

I too would like to see the name changed. I think the DSM-V might be addressing that.

I like to meditate. I am reading "The Buddha and the Borderline." (Not recommending this book, buddhism, meditation or anything). Just an interesting book, and the author also has a good website on Borderline (BPD) where she really nails down, step by step, the complexity of Borderline (BPD).

Jo

 

[HaoZi]

All this took years of hard work. I still work HARD! You cannot imagine how hard it is not to pick up the first thing I see and throw it across the room when I get mad. How hard it is not to yell at people to get the F out of my house and leave me alone so I can push them away before they can leave me. (The old I will not let you hurt me because I will hurt you first syndrome)

You just described me.

 

[DaisyFace]

Janet--

Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so sorry that you are going through a hard time right now...

And in a way - that is what makes Borderline (BPD) so baffling for me. The example of being upset that someone is late coming home is a typical reaction for anybody. How many times have we all worried that a loved one was in a ditch somewhere - only to find out they were at a friend's house or stopped at the store and forgot to call. And then we don't know whether to "kiss them or kill them" once they have arrived home. And so we yell "Well the **** have you been? I have been worried sick!!!". This, I understand.

I don't understand yelling about things that have nothing to do with being late.

I don't understand when the person who was upset then turns around and does the exact same thing to others - goes out for hours on end without a call.

I don't understand how nothing - no amount of apology or anything else can "appease" the person with Borderline (BPD).

I would like to understand...

That's why I appreciate your sharing this so much. Thank you.

 

[DammitJanet]

DF....

I will tell you about one time in particular.

Tony had been out of town working in VA. I know exactly how long it takes to get from where he was working to our house because where he was working was like 10 minutes from our son's house. He had told me they were only going to be working that day until noon and coming home. Okay...work till noon...approximately 6 hour drive...get home no later than 7 right? Even if traffic was bad and they had stopped to cash checks...be home no later than 8!

8 comes...no Tony...9 comes...no Tony! I call his bosses wife. No she hasnt heard from them. I call the motel. Yes they checked out at noon. I just wondered in case they stayed another day. Nope. 10 comes no Tony...Im pacing, Im ******. 11 comes no Tony. He walks in the door around 11:30 and I let it fly.

Where in the H have you been? What the F were you doing? You can get your Fing S and get the F out of here because I dont want you to F the h live in my f blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

I probably went on for at least half an hour telling him he could do everything bad and he was everything bad and where he could put everything. I screamed, I cussed, I threw things, I put about 3 new holes in my walls.

Why was he late? They worked until 5.

Of course, when I started the screaming...he started screaming back at me. So we had a screaming fit at the front door at midnight.

It never occurred to me for well over a year that I wasnt MAD that he was late, I was SCARED that something had happened to him and he was out there hurt or something. Hence the fact that we now have two cell phones. Now I get MAD if he forgets to take his cell phone with him...lol.

We worked out that my feelings of abandonment were at the root of a lot of my anger and fear issues. Unfortunately...he forgets this A LOT! I think he needs a huge refresher course.

 

[HaoZi]

One thing I've learned about me that might apply to such situations is that while I might know something intellectually, it can very well take me a lot longer to "get it" emotionally. In that particular situation I would also have been checking the traffic websites or calling the state police asking if such-and-such vehicle was in an accident because I know notification can take a while.

 

[whatamess]

I will speak to my experience in that if people (school district) have done things dishonestly in the past, that is not forgotten. It's not necessarily a grudge, just more knowing that 'they' now have one more tick mark in the case that makes them 'bad' in my mind. Every misstep in the future adds to the 'bad' pile and I have a very hard time thinking about HOW a truly GOOD person/entity can do bad things. And that is a hallmark of this disorder. There is great difficulty reconciling bad actions by good people- you are either good or bad, not both! When the scale has tipped over to BAD, then any apology is looked at as deception- you are not really sorry or you wouldn't have done these things in the first place. When Borderline (BPD) gets to an intense level with a person it can turn into paranoia and all missteps by the 'bad' person feel intentional whether they are intentional or not and no amount of explaining or apologizing is going to erase that bad pile that has built up- it is 'evidence' of the badness and will not be forgotten by the Borderline (BPD). Intense. But true.

 

[HaoZi]

When the scale has tipped over to BAD, then any apology is looked at as deception- you are not really sorry or you wouldn't have done these things in the first place. When Borderline (BPD) gets to an intense level with a person it can turn into paranoia and all missteps by the 'bad' person feel intentional whether they are intentional or not and no amount of explaining or apologizing is going to erase that bad pile that has built up- it is 'evidence' of the badness and will not be forgotten by the Borderline (BPD). Intense. But true.

I get grey areas, but don't most of us weigh future and present actions by the past actions in making a judgment call? Constant re-hashing of past mistakes (both our own and those of others) is also a gifted trait, one that can keep us up nights and make us physically sick from worrying at.

 

[DaisyFace]

I get grey areas, but don't most of us weigh future and present actions by the past actions in making a judgment call?

I think most of us typically judge others by a preponderance of the evidence. I think the difference (and correct me if I am getting it wrong) is that most people can see the difference between an honest mistake and a deliberately wrong action. It seems to me that BPDs cannot make that distinction. There are no "grey areas" for them. So if a Borderline (BPD) has decided that you are a bad-guy - but you do something good....then you must have an ulterior motive.

 

[HaoZi]

Question while I tick this over in my brain - do they have a point at which bad can tip back to good? I'll grant that if they do it's subjective, but does it exist at all?