What do you make of this?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, May 9, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    difficult child told me tonight that she thinks she's anti-social. Sigh...she spends too much time on the internet.

    Anyway, she said she doesn't really want friends because she wants to be friends with people; she just wants friends to have someplace to go and something to do.

    The last new therapist we tried set difficult child off. :whiteflag: We see a new one on the 19th.

    Anyway, what do you make of that? Is that Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kinda stuff or something else in your opinion?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    in my humble opinion, i wouldn't make too much out of that alone. difficult child has said things like that on occassion but not consistently. Do you see any signs in her that she really does want friends? Would she talk on the phone with someone from school or enjoy it if someone came over to watch tv with her or talk a while?
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    She doesn't like to talk on the phone to anyone. When she's around others, she's mostly just taking things in and enjoying herself, but she doesn't participate much.

    However, it really bothers her that friends from the past have moved on since she's not in regular school anymore. She does plan on returning next school year for high school. But, she really didn't share many common interests with them either.

    It's hard to put my finger on it. I think she wants to be around people with common interests to have someone to do things with, but I don't see there being give and take with her like there would be in a typical friendship.
  4. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    My difficult child just wants friends so she can get out of the house and go do something. I think having a friend is appealing to her, but mostly as an excuse to do things. It always seems very one-sided to me when she does have a friend. It always revolves around what she wants to do and she usually is very rude to any friend I've seen her have. I think this is almost normal for a difficult child. Maybe not for a non-difficult child, but mine is not Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and I hear this from her all the time.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It could be anxiety or maybe she's just a little introverted. I would try to steer her away from using the phrase "anti-social" around others though- it does give some people something to create a mountain out of.

    Anyway, I think I'd just start going online now and seeing what is available at the high school next year in the ways of clubs, sports, active classes, etc that she might get interested in. I was in band and felt part of a group in spite of my being a little introverted. Also, there;'s got to be something she could try this summer for a short time, if not the whole summer.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Common interests are actually a good way to get friendships started. Whether she's Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or just immature, she's got to start somewhere. I wouldn't worry about it too much at the moment, but I would try to steer her away from using terminology like "antisocial" just so her acquantances don't seize on it and use it against her.
  7. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    I think encouraging her to use another way to describe it would be good. Summary statement not needed. It is what it is for now. The psychiatrists and counsellors can determine more.

    I know lots of PTA moms, soccer moms who just share common interests. It is a social connection. And a great place to start.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    being anti social and having anti social personality disorder are two totally different balls of wax.

    I am fairly anti social but I am certainly not ASPD! In fact, most people with ASPD seem fairly sociable...lol. They are charismatic.

    If what she means by anti social is that she doesnt feel like she belongs in groups or feels like an outsider looking in when she is with people, that is more of a window into her mindset. I always felt like I was kind of the 5th wheel person in a situation. Always on the outer ring. I never felt I had many friends and had a very hard time fitting in anywhere. I just never belonged. I have been that way my entire life. Always on the fringes and feeling like I have to do something big or special to get people to like me. Like just being me isnt good enough...I have to do something more or give something more.

    Is that what she is feeling?
  9. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    You might also want to explore church-based youth groups to help difficult child make some connections. They generally are very welcoming, and the leaders go out of their way to make sure everyone feels included. They have activities (mid-week and evening as well as Sunday) that are are fun and interactive, so friendships develop naturally. The other thing is that the leaders usually are young enough to still be considered cool, and they have a passion for serving kids. If you talk with them privately about your concerns with-difficult child, they'll make sure to address her needs (e.g., introduce her to other kids who have the gift of hospitality and encouragement, and will be warm and welcoming to difficult child). I've seen lots of introverted, feeling-left-out high schoolers blossom in these groups.

    Sending warm wishes your way.
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    In a way yes, and in a way no. She doesn't feel like she has to do something more. She is who she is and she doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do just to make someone else like her. But, I do think she feels like she's on the outside looking in. And like you said, Janet, she means anti-social as in not being very social, as opposed to ASPD.

    Grace, thank you for the suggestion. However, difficult child is atheist and has no interest in that.

    We talked last night and she's planning on returning to regular school in August for high school. She's excited because there are a lot of classes she wants to take - the various art classes, photography, etc. Then she would be meeting people she at least shares a common interest with.