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General Parenting
What do you think of what the counsellor suggests?
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<blockquote data-quote="welcometowitsend" data-source="post: 532945" data-attributes="member: 14356"><p>Wow! Thank you all so much for the replies!! </p><p></p><p>Insane and SuzIr - You are both right - it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had to do a 'do-over' and go back to high school or night school and pick up some credits. Where we live they can go back to high school until they are 21 and then there is always the option of a GED with college as a route to university. So, as hard as it might be I may just have to sit back and let him make a few mistakes. He is a smart kid though and I hope that when it counts he will buckle down and do what needs to be done. </p><p></p><p>SuzIr - I totally agree with you and some of the other posters about the problem with maturity and responsibility. I think taking care of your schoolwork, getting yourself out of bed in the morning and doing some chores around the house should be expected at this age. I think the problem he will have will be with balancing sleep and work and play without parental control. I can give him guidance but 16 year olds don't really need a bedtime - they should be able to figure that out for themselves - although difficult child sure struggles with it. </p><p></p><p>That said, he has to learn these skills at some point and I would rather he start learning them now before I'm spending huge $$ for him to go to college or university. If he hasn't figured out how to balance his life at least somewhat by then, he will fail (my sister did this). </p><p></p><p>I do like the option of going back to 'kid-mode' as a one-time thing. I don't think he'll take it though now that he's had such a taste of 'freedom' over at girlfriend's house. </p><p></p><p>Keista & SuzIr - Keista, a couple of months ago I would have completely agreed with you about this not being a control issue but a parenting issue. This is where the power struggle came from and what has led to difficult child leaving twice now. I feel that he is too young to have so much freedom but I may have to let this go in order to restore some family harmony and peace in our relationship. He insists on the freedom or he will not come home - in which case he will have freedom and no parental influence. So, I have to give him the freedom but with that will come responsibility as well. </p><p></p><p>At this point I'm starting to see that my best option is to treat him more like an adult (which is how the law sees him) and restore a good relationship with him so I can have an influence over him that way. </p><p></p><p>Terry - I like your idea of saying ' OK, if you can't be home by say 1am then stay at a friends place tonight.' This will let me get some sleep because I will know where he is (one of the house rules) and that he isn't out on the road or sneaking out of the house (which I believe he was doing before after I discovered the screen missing from his bedroom window). It will also give husband and I quiet and peace in the evenings. I would rather his honesty than lies and sneakiness. And if he ever got into a situation that was urgent and he needed us we would, of course, go and get him no matter what the time. </p><p></p><p>Liahona - I could have written your post to me!! I am a worrier and I am the type to wait and stay up and fear for my kids. My mom was the same way. But I think if I had some openness and honesty and he didn't feel the need to sneak around then he'd be less prone to stupid, dangerous stunts in order to avoid getting caught or in trouble. I think if I knew where he was, who he was with and if/when he planned on being home then I would feel better. </p><p></p><p>Confuzzled - I'm very sorry for what you went through because of one mistake. I would never do that to difficult child. I don't have anything set in stone - as things change we will change. I guess I just don't want difficult child to go along with a sense of 'I'm going to be able to do an extra year of high school, so I can do what I want - because I'm not sure I'm going to be ok with that in 2 years. I don't want him to be surprised by it and feel like I'm 'screwing him over'." Same with university/college - I don't want him to think that it's a given and I"m just going to dole out the money for him. We are very willing to help him through college/university but it's not going to happen if he's not responsible/mature enough to handle it. Maybe a year off of school to work would be necessary first, Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>MWM - Thank you also. I think husband and I need to find some way to balance parenting with allowing difficult child to have independence and responsibility. I guess the hard part is that he is our oldest and we've never done this before - all new to us. To make it worse his rebellion/change came almost out of the blue with this new set of friends. Sort of hit us like a freight train and we have been flailing. </p><p></p><p>We will go back to the 'drawing board' and tweak things in order to find a good balance. I do think I need to be pretty specific with difficult child so he understands clearly - he needs that. </p><p></p><p>Again - thanks to all of you - I find your opinions and advice very valuable and I truly appreciate it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="welcometowitsend, post: 532945, member: 14356"] Wow! Thank you all so much for the replies!! Insane and SuzIr - You are both right - it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had to do a 'do-over' and go back to high school or night school and pick up some credits. Where we live they can go back to high school until they are 21 and then there is always the option of a GED with college as a route to university. So, as hard as it might be I may just have to sit back and let him make a few mistakes. He is a smart kid though and I hope that when it counts he will buckle down and do what needs to be done. SuzIr - I totally agree with you and some of the other posters about the problem with maturity and responsibility. I think taking care of your schoolwork, getting yourself out of bed in the morning and doing some chores around the house should be expected at this age. I think the problem he will have will be with balancing sleep and work and play without parental control. I can give him guidance but 16 year olds don't really need a bedtime - they should be able to figure that out for themselves - although difficult child sure struggles with it. That said, he has to learn these skills at some point and I would rather he start learning them now before I'm spending huge $$ for him to go to college or university. If he hasn't figured out how to balance his life at least somewhat by then, he will fail (my sister did this). I do like the option of going back to 'kid-mode' as a one-time thing. I don't think he'll take it though now that he's had such a taste of 'freedom' over at girlfriend's house. Keista & SuzIr - Keista, a couple of months ago I would have completely agreed with you about this not being a control issue but a parenting issue. This is where the power struggle came from and what has led to difficult child leaving twice now. I feel that he is too young to have so much freedom but I may have to let this go in order to restore some family harmony and peace in our relationship. He insists on the freedom or he will not come home - in which case he will have freedom and no parental influence. So, I have to give him the freedom but with that will come responsibility as well. At this point I'm starting to see that my best option is to treat him more like an adult (which is how the law sees him) and restore a good relationship with him so I can have an influence over him that way. Terry - I like your idea of saying ' OK, if you can't be home by say 1am then stay at a friends place tonight.' This will let me get some sleep because I will know where he is (one of the house rules) and that he isn't out on the road or sneaking out of the house (which I believe he was doing before after I discovered the screen missing from his bedroom window). It will also give husband and I quiet and peace in the evenings. I would rather his honesty than lies and sneakiness. And if he ever got into a situation that was urgent and he needed us we would, of course, go and get him no matter what the time. Liahona - I could have written your post to me!! I am a worrier and I am the type to wait and stay up and fear for my kids. My mom was the same way. But I think if I had some openness and honesty and he didn't feel the need to sneak around then he'd be less prone to stupid, dangerous stunts in order to avoid getting caught or in trouble. I think if I knew where he was, who he was with and if/when he planned on being home then I would feel better. Confuzzled - I'm very sorry for what you went through because of one mistake. I would never do that to difficult child. I don't have anything set in stone - as things change we will change. I guess I just don't want difficult child to go along with a sense of 'I'm going to be able to do an extra year of high school, so I can do what I want - because I'm not sure I'm going to be ok with that in 2 years. I don't want him to be surprised by it and feel like I'm 'screwing him over'." Same with university/college - I don't want him to think that it's a given and I"m just going to dole out the money for him. We are very willing to help him through college/university but it's not going to happen if he's not responsible/mature enough to handle it. Maybe a year off of school to work would be necessary first, Know what I mean?? MWM - Thank you also. I think husband and I need to find some way to balance parenting with allowing difficult child to have independence and responsibility. I guess the hard part is that he is our oldest and we've never done this before - all new to us. To make it worse his rebellion/change came almost out of the blue with this new set of friends. Sort of hit us like a freight train and we have been flailing. We will go back to the 'drawing board' and tweak things in order to find a good balance. I do think I need to be pretty specific with difficult child so he understands clearly - he needs that. Again - thanks to all of you - I find your opinions and advice very valuable and I truly appreciate it! [/QUOTE]
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