What do you think we should do?

[mstang67chic]

I got a call from one of the dean's at difficult child's school today. Seems that difficult child went off on a teacher, yelling and cussing. The dean did try to put some positive in it and said that difficult child sent himself to the office and was calm and resptectful while there but he still has a 3 day suspension.

When difficult child got home, he was subdued and gave me his side. According to difficult child, this teacher was "bugging" difficult child while he was trying to work and saying things like how difficult child had a bad rep last year, this year was probably going to be the same and he (teacher) wasn't going to put up with it. Basically things that he (in my opinion) shouldn't be saying. I don't remember exactly but the way difficult child described it was that this teacher was verbally beating difficult child down.

I told difficult child that I wasn't calling him a liar but since I wasn't there, I don't know for sure what happened. BUT...if that IS what happened, while I understood why he lost his temper, that would be one of those situations where he needed to hold it together and THEN go tell the office what was said. Teachers are figures of authority and should be treated with respect but they are also human too and sometimes do/say things they shouldn't. When things like that happen, you need to report it and stay calm. difficult child said that he did tell the dean what the teacher said and that the dean said he would talk to the teacher.

I've told husband what happened and we have decided to call the dean on Monday and find out the "full" story. If this is the case (without the typical difficult child twist on things) we want to ask for an adjustment in difficult child's punishment. Originally husband wanted to have the entire suspension cancelled but I'm against that. Assuming that's what happened, while I think the teacher was waaaaaaaay out of line and should be punished himself, difficult child still reacted in an understandable but unacceptable manner. My thinking is that they should knock a day or two off the suspension instead. While difficult child was right to get angry, it wasn't his place to put the teacher in his. Know what I mean??

husband is thinking this teacher just wanted difficult child out of his class and I can understand that given difficult child's less than stellar history of behavior and treatment of teachers. However, that doesn't give the guy the right to poke the bear as it were. He can groan to himself, roll his eyes at the thought of having difficult child for another semester but there is no reason to antagonize him or start something where nothing was started to begin with.

Do you think it would be fair to ask for an adjustment if the story pans out? Obviously I want to stick up for difficult child if he was in the right but he still needs to learn or remember to respond in an acceptable manner.

 

[klmno]

That's a tough one but I do agree that the teacher was way out of line and that kind of behavior from a teacher always made my son worse. Maybe talk to the dean and see if he's willing to talk to the teacher, then have a sit down with the teacher and difficult child to make sure things are smoothed out, apologies given from both sides, and things don't get to this point again. It seems like that would be a lot more effective for preventing future problems than a 3 day suspension. I'd shoot for that and changing the suspension to 1 day.

 

[slsh]

As Witz would say, don't poke the bear (oops, sorry - I missed that you'd already picked that up!). If the teacher was antagonizing difficult child (and in my humble opinion, if difficult child's story holds up, the teacher was doing a heck of a job pushing difficult child's buttons), then teacher should suffer the logical consequences without complaint.

Of course, I wouldn't tell difficult child that but I sure would want to know what the heck the teacher thought he was going to accomplish by berating difficult child. Did he think difficult child would have an epiphany and suddenly decide to become easy child??? Puleez.... If the goal was to get difficult child out of the classroom, I'd move heaven and earth to make it happen permanently - otherwise, difficult child will be left at the mercy of this man and his mouth. Our kids are just way too easy to trigger.

 

[susiestar]

I would want the full story too. If the teacher spoke without being provoked I would want a change in placement and 2 days off the suspension. If difficult child was provoking the teacher I would want 1 day off and give the teacher a chance to work it out with difficult child.

difficult child will have at least one person at every single job who will push his buttons and provoke him. He MUST learn how to react appropriately or at least acceptably and also how to make peace and move on after an incident. So that would be the reason for this.

 

[KTMom91]

I would find out the whole story first, then decide on what an appropriate punishment would be. Susie is right in that he'll always have someone he may not like, but still has to deal with, in his life.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

This is a difficult situation on many levels. One was is in that it will be difficult child's word against the teachers. Whose story will hold more weight with the dean? That is an issue that plagues our difficult children on a regular basis. They very often have a hard time looking legit or being believed because of past behavior.

On another level it's difficult because I totally understand the reason difficult child would go off (my difficult child would do the exact same thing - perhaps minus the cursing at his age now), but we struggle to teach these kids, especially boys, that they need to deal with unfairness and judgements in a more mature manner.

I hope when you call Monday you are able to get a "straight" answer by the dean. I believe his punishment should be cut by 50% (though difficult because it's an odd number of days). Hopefully the dean will see that both the teacher and your son displayed inappropriate behavior.

Sharon

 

[TerryJ2]

Gosh, what a dilemma. So sorry.
I agree, wait until you hear the full story, but plan on difficult child's punishment being partially lifted. The teacher may have lost his cool but he's supposed to be a paid professional. No excuses for ragging on difficult child like that.

 

[donna723]

Was this supposedly said to him in class in front of other kids or in private? If he really did say this, it does sound like the teacher was trying to 'push his buttons'. And if this was said to him in front of a whole room full of kids, it's even worse.

 

[mstang67chic]

As I understand it, all of this happened in the class room. But I'm not sure if it was said for difficult child's ears only or if it was loud enough for other student's to hear. That will be one of the things I'll ask difficult child before I call Monday. I'm going to make a list of points before I call so I don't forget anything and make sure I have it all covered.

 

[Lori4ever]

What a tough position to be in. I'm in a similar situation with my difficult child, I also get to handle things on Monday. I think punishment should be rearranged to make things more even, as our difficult child's will react to people of "authority" doing or saying such things to them. It makes me sick when they do.

 

[smallworld]

I know difficult child is a difficult child, but he is 19 and an adult. Have you asked him how he wants to handle the situation? Don't you think he should be part of a meeting where this issue is discussed with the dean? After all, he will soon be facing situations where mom and dad can't fix things for him. I think it would be helpful for him to get some practice in fixing situations for himself.