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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612797" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I watched the 3 TED talks Cedar, thanks for posting them, all were interesting.</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #F88000"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'">Invictus</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #F88000"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #F88000"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Out of the night that covers me,</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Black as the Pit from pole to pole,</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>I thank whatever gods may be</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>For my unconquerable soul.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em></em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>In the fell clutch of circumstance</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>I have not winced nor cried aloud.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Under the bludgeonings of chance</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>My head is bloody, but unbowed.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em></em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Beyond this place of wrath and tears</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Looms but the Horror of the shade,</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>And yet the menace of the years</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em></em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>It matters not how strait the gate,</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>How charged with punishments the scroll.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>I am the master of my fate:</em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><em>I am the captain of my soul. </em></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"><em>William Ernest Henley</em></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"><em></em></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">The "growth mindset" the young man talked about really holds true for many of us here, so that we can learn a new way to respond, we have to be able to shift our entire mindset as parents to learn to live on a new landscape and also learn how to find peace in spite of where our children presently are. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">As the holidays have evolved in my world, I invited my daughter to Thanksgiving after talking to my granddaughter and her sister about it and asking how they would feel. Contrary to last year, they both were okay with it. I invited my daughter via Facebook, the way she and I converse now. She did not respond for a few days. Then she left me roses outside my back door 2 nights in a row. I sent her a message thanking her. She responded by saying she missed me and missed her daughter and wishes she had a relationship with both of us. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">I thought about that for a few days. I responded by telling her that her daughter and myself had not gone anywhere, we have been right here, it was SHE who went away into a dark place. I said if she were willing to address the damage she did to her daughter, that it was likely her daughter would be responsive, however, it wasn't up to her daughter, it was up to HER. I said, a relationship with both of us was possible, but SHE would have to <em>do something.</em> Her usual way of looking at things is that she is a victim of us and <em>someday</em> we might miraculously be available to her. I made it clear that we are here, <em>it's up to her</em>.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">I also told her who would be showing up for Thanksgiving and that everyone was bringing a dish to share and if she were coming, what would she like to bring. I have never asked her to participate in that way because she never has any money. But, this year, that didn't seem appropriate at all, she needs to give something like everyone else. I am holding her to a higher standard. She may not rise to it, but it is what feels right to me now. I have allowed her to be a victim by not expecting anything of her, and that's changed now.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">She hasn't responded to my invitation which is normal behavior for her which rather then just accept it, I find it quite rude. I am imagining she will not show up and not respond. I plan on telling her I am assuming that she isn't coming and I will tell her that her lack of response is rude and unacceptable.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">It feels appropriate to respond as I have. I feel better about it. I've accepted a lot of bad behavior from my daughter in the past, and I am not willing to do that now. Neither is her daughter. Because I am holding her more accountable, it remains to be seen whether she will show up or not but it feels "cleaner" and more honest this way.</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">When she told me she missed me, I told her that after two years of counseling and hard choices that I was now a different person and our relationship would need to change now. I said the old relationship is gone and we would have to forge a new one based on honoring each other, not on her latest dramas and difficulties. I made it very clear what my expectations are. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000">It feels as if this is a clear completion of the old way for me and a possibility for a new way. I've done my part, I've done all I can do. My daughter will either meet me on this new ground or she won't, I really have no idea how it will go. I believe her when she says she misses me, this last year my boundaries have been impenetrable and as a result she is outside of them and can't behave the way she was accustomed to behaving, I'm sure that's disconcerting for her, but it is also an opportunity for her to grow and heal, but only she can make that choice. It would be easier to stay the way she's been, but now she knows for sure that she will do that <em>without</em> me and without her daughter. It's all up to her and now we ALL know that. This all feels much better, clear, precise and without any loopholes. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="color: #000000"></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612797, member: 13542"] I watched the 3 TED talks Cedar, thanks for posting them, all were interesting. [COLOR=#F88000][FONT=Arial]Invictus [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#333333][FONT=Arial][I]Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. [/I] [COLOR=#000000][I]William Ernest Henley [/I] The "growth mindset" the young man talked about really holds true for many of us here, so that we can learn a new way to respond, we have to be able to shift our entire mindset as parents to learn to live on a new landscape and also learn how to find peace in spite of where our children presently are. As the holidays have evolved in my world, I invited my daughter to Thanksgiving after talking to my granddaughter and her sister about it and asking how they would feel. Contrary to last year, they both were okay with it. I invited my daughter via Facebook, the way she and I converse now. She did not respond for a few days. Then she left me roses outside my back door 2 nights in a row. I sent her a message thanking her. She responded by saying she missed me and missed her daughter and wishes she had a relationship with both of us. I thought about that for a few days. I responded by telling her that her daughter and myself had not gone anywhere, we have been right here, it was SHE who went away into a dark place. I said if she were willing to address the damage she did to her daughter, that it was likely her daughter would be responsive, however, it wasn't up to her daughter, it was up to HER. I said, a relationship with both of us was possible, but SHE would have to [I]do something.[/I] Her usual way of looking at things is that she is a victim of us and [I]someday[/I] we might miraculously be available to her. I made it clear that we are here, [I]it's up to her[/I]. I also told her who would be showing up for Thanksgiving and that everyone was bringing a dish to share and if she were coming, what would she like to bring. I have never asked her to participate in that way because she never has any money. But, this year, that didn't seem appropriate at all, she needs to give something like everyone else. I am holding her to a higher standard. She may not rise to it, but it is what feels right to me now. I have allowed her to be a victim by not expecting anything of her, and that's changed now. She hasn't responded to my invitation which is normal behavior for her which rather then just accept it, I find it quite rude. I am imagining she will not show up and not respond. I plan on telling her I am assuming that she isn't coming and I will tell her that her lack of response is rude and unacceptable. It feels appropriate to respond as I have. I feel better about it. I've accepted a lot of bad behavior from my daughter in the past, and I am not willing to do that now. Neither is her daughter. Because I am holding her more accountable, it remains to be seen whether she will show up or not but it feels "cleaner" and more honest this way. When she told me she missed me, I told her that after two years of counseling and hard choices that I was now a different person and our relationship would need to change now. I said the old relationship is gone and we would have to forge a new one based on honoring each other, not on her latest dramas and difficulties. I made it very clear what my expectations are. It feels as if this is a clear completion of the old way for me and a possibility for a new way. I've done my part, I've done all I can do. My daughter will either meet me on this new ground or she won't, I really have no idea how it will go. I believe her when she says she misses me, this last year my boundaries have been impenetrable and as a result she is outside of them and can't behave the way she was accustomed to behaving, I'm sure that's disconcerting for her, but it is also an opportunity for her to grow and heal, but only she can make that choice. It would be easier to stay the way she's been, but now she knows for sure that she will do that [I]without[/I] me and without her daughter. It's all up to her and now we ALL know that. This all feels much better, clear, precise and without any loopholes. [/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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