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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 612876" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>It makes me happy that you are going through this new territory with me Cedar, how encouraging and liberating!! Yes, I have said things lately to others which depicts my lack of editing and my very straight shot at the truth. It is quite freeing isn't it?</p><p></p><p>About a month ago, SO and I were walking on a bike path in town which had bright yellow tape around parts of it letting you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that some of the path was newly asphalted so we had to walk along it on the grass. It was all clearly marked. This older dude coming towards us walks on the wet asphalt, disregarding all the warning signs, an act of remarkable unconscious, oblivious stupidity......as he was picking up his sticky sandals and plodding along, I said, "hey buddy, didn't you see the signs, the entire path is closed, you're walking on wet asphalt!" As soon as I blurted that out, it felt good............just to say <em>what is</em> without editing the truth or worrying about hurting that guys feelings, or if it were inappropriate or whatever, I was calling a spade a spade and that guy had crossed a boundary he should have seen and now I make that error obvious. It felt good. Someone else's unconscious behavior should not be allowed to negatively impact others or the environment without it being pointed out. </p><p></p><p>All of that is a result of probably just being older and more real, but a lot of that freedom came about within me because I learned via my daughter not to allow others to cross MY boundaries. And, it made me care more for myself and has given me more courage and strength to just be ME. I am enjoying this truth telling 'me' it has a certain 'glee' to it.</p><p></p><p>It works especially well with my granddaughter who as a teenager, has a 'job' to do in trying to manipulate or push to get her way ............and I am matching that now, not backing down or trying to empathize, or feeling sorry for.........I just don't allow it ...............I did that with my own daughter and allowed her, in essence to mistreat me. <em>Not happening now</em>. My boundaries are secure and that is a result of a much better sense of my own "worthiness and wholeheartedness" to use Brene Brown's words. My own self respect dictates these new responses, no one gets to cross those boundaries............</p><p></p><p>I think many probably respond in a freeing truthful way naturally, but as someone who had no role models, was shamed and not valued as a child, it takes a lot of changing, healing and learning to step up and just say what is. It's real and since it is happening all over my life, it is exhilarating at times because a more authentic response to others is often a valued and appreciated trait which can foster connection and intimacy........if that is the context.......... and in all connections it invites trust and safety. </p><p></p><p>I'd be interested in some stories of how this is changing in your life Cedar, or anyone who is or has experienced that newly greased freedom on the communication highway.</p><p></p><p>Yeah, absolutely, "continue on, GUILT free", enjoy it, have a good time with your new cool self!!! I am too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 612876, member: 13542"] It makes me happy that you are going through this new territory with me Cedar, how encouraging and liberating!! Yes, I have said things lately to others which depicts my lack of editing and my very straight shot at the truth. It is quite freeing isn't it? About a month ago, SO and I were walking on a bike path in town which had bright yellow tape around parts of it letting you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that some of the path was newly asphalted so we had to walk along it on the grass. It was all clearly marked. This older dude coming towards us walks on the wet asphalt, disregarding all the warning signs, an act of remarkable unconscious, oblivious stupidity......as he was picking up his sticky sandals and plodding along, I said, "hey buddy, didn't you see the signs, the entire path is closed, you're walking on wet asphalt!" As soon as I blurted that out, it felt good............just to say [I]what is[/I] without editing the truth or worrying about hurting that guys feelings, or if it were inappropriate or whatever, I was calling a spade a spade and that guy had crossed a boundary he should have seen and now I make that error obvious. It felt good. Someone else's unconscious behavior should not be allowed to negatively impact others or the environment without it being pointed out. All of that is a result of probably just being older and more real, but a lot of that freedom came about within me because I learned via my daughter not to allow others to cross MY boundaries. And, it made me care more for myself and has given me more courage and strength to just be ME. I am enjoying this truth telling 'me' it has a certain 'glee' to it. It works especially well with my granddaughter who as a teenager, has a 'job' to do in trying to manipulate or push to get her way ............and I am matching that now, not backing down or trying to empathize, or feeling sorry for.........I just don't allow it ...............I did that with my own daughter and allowed her, in essence to mistreat me. [I]Not happening now[/I]. My boundaries are secure and that is a result of a much better sense of my own "worthiness and wholeheartedness" to use Brene Brown's words. My own self respect dictates these new responses, no one gets to cross those boundaries............ I think many probably respond in a freeing truthful way naturally, but as someone who had no role models, was shamed and not valued as a child, it takes a lot of changing, healing and learning to step up and just say what is. It's real and since it is happening all over my life, it is exhilarating at times because a more authentic response to others is often a valued and appreciated trait which can foster connection and intimacy........if that is the context.......... and in all connections it invites trust and safety. I'd be interested in some stories of how this is changing in your life Cedar, or anyone who is or has experienced that newly greased freedom on the communication highway. Yeah, absolutely, "continue on, GUILT free", enjoy it, have a good time with your new cool self!!! I am too. [/QUOTE]
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