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What does detachment look like to you?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 613051" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Witz...part of what's happened as I've gone through this has to do with acknowledging how vulnerable the things that hurt me make me feel. The deeper I go to confront those old lessons, the more fraudulent I feel about challenging them. It's an act of faith, an act of courage really, to continue. But every time I do continue, the result is the reclamation of my real self and a changed vision of what it is that matters. </p><p></p><p>I don't know everything about what happened to you, Witz? But I think you've told us enough that I am pretty sure you have been savaged by a master at it. Those are the emotions being called when someone asks about the upcoming grandmahood. Your courage in being able to stand up and face it at all is astounding.</p><p></p><p>Every time you do though, you get a little more of yourself back, Witz.</p><p></p><p>If you figure out a one sentence, pared down version of what you really feel, that might be a better thing to try. Something about family conflict and not being sure how you feel, maybe. You might even add how much it would mean to you to be able to celebrate what everyone else so takes for granted, and how fortunate the person asking you about it is to have what she has, in her life. </p><p></p><p>Or maybe, journal about finding that one sentence you will use, when people, innocently sharing what is meant to be something joyful and right, toss you straight into the horror of what has happened, of what is still happening, to you.</p><p></p><p>It isn't something to make light of, Witz. Dear Abby could never come up with an adequate response to the hellish reality of what has happened, of what is still happening, to you.</p><p></p><p>There are no words for it, Witz.</p><p></p><p>But if you can find the words that will show you who and how you want to be as you go through this, that will be a beginning. Healing will follow. You know what they say: Fake it 'til you make it. The plan is to limit the ongoing damage. </p><p></p><p>You've been savaged by a master, Witz. It's going to take every bit of your courage to reclaim yourself. But here is the thing: What happened to you is wrong. Worse than that, as abuse invariably is, what happened to you had no point. The only reward the abuser got, the only thing he won for the cost of your life, was THAT he won.</p><p></p><p>In time, as you heal, you will see that so clearly, Witz.</p><p></p><p>I am amazed, every day, by the difference in the way I understand the why behind what my mother did. And though it was bought and paid for through my pain? It was nothing personal, Witz. She would have done the same to any child <u>or adult</u> who could not fight her back. </p><p></p><p>I see her do it to this day.</p><p></p><p>It is always that way, with any abuser, male or female, adult or child. Your abuser never even saw you, Witz. He destroyed you because he could.</p><p></p><p>Evil does exist, Witz ~ and you've battled it all your life.</p><p></p><p>When your father dies, that will simply be the end of the story. He seems not to have learned anything. The letter you shared with us told me nothing about you, and everything about him. For one thing, that he remained trapped in his sickness. What a coward he must be, never to have grown beyond whatever happened to him. What a coward, to have taken it out on a child, instead. And really, how patently ridiculous is it to send a letter like that to another adult?</p><p></p><p>Unless, of course, you are so trapped in keeping your daughter a victim, so determined that she will never get away from you, that you cannot see beyond your own self aggrandizement. Like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz.</p><p></p><p>Nothing there.</p><p></p><p>A sick and defeated man, getting ready to die and spewing poison with his final breaths.</p><p></p><p>Dirty old bugger.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 613051, member: 1721"] Witz...part of what's happened as I've gone through this has to do with acknowledging how vulnerable the things that hurt me make me feel. The deeper I go to confront those old lessons, the more fraudulent I feel about challenging them. It's an act of faith, an act of courage really, to continue. But every time I do continue, the result is the reclamation of my real self and a changed vision of what it is that matters. I don't know everything about what happened to you, Witz? But I think you've told us enough that I am pretty sure you have been savaged by a master at it. Those are the emotions being called when someone asks about the upcoming grandmahood. Your courage in being able to stand up and face it at all is astounding. Every time you do though, you get a little more of yourself back, Witz. If you figure out a one sentence, pared down version of what you really feel, that might be a better thing to try. Something about family conflict and not being sure how you feel, maybe. You might even add how much it would mean to you to be able to celebrate what everyone else so takes for granted, and how fortunate the person asking you about it is to have what she has, in her life. Or maybe, journal about finding that one sentence you will use, when people, innocently sharing what is meant to be something joyful and right, toss you straight into the horror of what has happened, of what is still happening, to you. It isn't something to make light of, Witz. Dear Abby could never come up with an adequate response to the hellish reality of what has happened, of what is still happening, to you. There are no words for it, Witz. But if you can find the words that will show you who and how you want to be as you go through this, that will be a beginning. Healing will follow. You know what they say: Fake it 'til you make it. The plan is to limit the ongoing damage. You've been savaged by a master, Witz. It's going to take every bit of your courage to reclaim yourself. But here is the thing: What happened to you is wrong. Worse than that, as abuse invariably is, what happened to you had no point. The only reward the abuser got, the only thing he won for the cost of your life, was THAT he won. In time, as you heal, you will see that so clearly, Witz. I am amazed, every day, by the difference in the way I understand the why behind what my mother did. And though it was bought and paid for through my pain? It was nothing personal, Witz. She would have done the same to any child [U]or adult[/U] who could not fight her back. I see her do it to this day. It is always that way, with any abuser, male or female, adult or child. Your abuser never even saw you, Witz. He destroyed you because he could. Evil does exist, Witz ~ and you've battled it all your life. When your father dies, that will simply be the end of the story. He seems not to have learned anything. The letter you shared with us told me nothing about you, and everything about him. For one thing, that he remained trapped in his sickness. What a coward he must be, never to have grown beyond whatever happened to him. What a coward, to have taken it out on a child, instead. And really, how patently ridiculous is it to send a letter like that to another adult? Unless, of course, you are so trapped in keeping your daughter a victim, so determined that she will never get away from you, that you cannot see beyond your own self aggrandizement. Like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Nothing there. A sick and defeated man, getting ready to die and spewing poison with his final breaths. Dirty old bugger. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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