Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What does detachment look like to you?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 617876" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi aud. I don't feel strong really. I do feel stronger, focus on the "er". I do feel more centered more of the time, more settled and secure inside myself, more calm and sure. I am working to connect my head and my heart more. My head gets it a lot more than my heart. </p><p></p><p>All of me gets it so much more of the time than I used to. A lot of the time. Certainly not all of the time. </p><p></p><p>When my son is "somewhere", like jail, I get more of the calm, settled feelings. This is his third time homeless and I am finding that I am getting more of those calm feelings even then. The first time I was a complete wreck. </p><p></p><p>This time, he went back to a McDonald's restaurant to "live", same place had "lived" for 30 days in Sept./Oct. 2013. Who even knew you could live at a McDonald's? Bless them as homeless people have to be somewhere, but wow. </p><p></p><p>I had a vision of him huddled outside against the brick building, in between the professionally landscaped and mulched beds, curled into a little ball against the cold north wind, hungry. I don't think it was that way at all. Even though he said it was so I, wow, I painted a very vivid picture in my mind. But I still didn't go and get him.</p><p></p><p>When he left McDonald's this time on Jan. 2, 2014, I learned that he was inside, using people's cell phones, smoking cigarettes. I know this because he called me from one particular phone. I called it back once and a girl answered (found out later she was an employee) and handed him the phone. </p><p></p><p>He obviously was inside. He was blowing smoke into the phone. I could hear it. </p><p></p><p>I bought him a bus ticket back to our town as I had said I would when he was in rehab (before he got kicked out for failing a drug test). I could have reneged on that commitment but I couldn't think that fast at the time so I followed through. He had been there since Dec. 21 when he was kicked out of rehab. He played the Christmas card but neither my exhusband or myself bit. We are really really tired of it all.</p><p></p><p>So, I also arranged for the Sheriff's department to meet the bus. I had to think long and hard about that. But I decided it was the best thing for me. Otherwise, he would be on my front porch, and THEN I would call the Sheriff's Department because as I told him clearly, you can't come here. This time, I was able to say, you can't come here because you have a warrant out for your arrest and I'm not going to be part of allowing you here when that is the case. That is easier than just having to say: You can't come here. </p><p></p><p>But I have said that too, and I am sure (sadly) I will have to dig deep and find whatever it takes to say that again. OR---maybe---if I can stay out of the way long enough, he will turn, and go in a new direction. That is my daily fervent prayer. </p><p></p><p>I am learning so much. Listening to other people share and tell their stories and what they have learned. One thing I am learning is that being homeless, while incomprehensible to me, can be tolerable. One man, who has a master's and a PhD and is in recovery, told me that he lived in Florida once before he started recovering, on the street for seven months, homeless, and he really didn't care that much. He said it was okay. Wow. I had to get my mind around that. </p><p></p><p>As Cedar said, I am truly starting to see my son as an adult, instead of the precious red-headed, freckled face little boy he was. Wow, he was so cute. One time someone came up to me and said, you should get him some child modeling jobs, he is so cute. He also has a great smile, even now (years of braces! : ). But I am starting to realize and recognize that he isn't my little baby or my little boy. I can torture myself with all of the pictures all over my house of him and his brother (27 year old easy child) but neither of them is that person today. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child is a grown man, and even though he has a terrible, awful, baffling, cunning, powerful disease that is at least 40 feet tall---a monster---he is a man. And he can choose recovery. But he doesn't. He would rather take drugs than anything. </p><p></p><p>So...I am not as strong as I would like to be but I am definitely stronger than I used to be. And today, he is in jail so that is good for me. In view of it all, you know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 617876, member: 17542"] Hi aud. I don't feel strong really. I do feel stronger, focus on the "er". I do feel more centered more of the time, more settled and secure inside myself, more calm and sure. I am working to connect my head and my heart more. My head gets it a lot more than my heart. All of me gets it so much more of the time than I used to. A lot of the time. Certainly not all of the time. When my son is "somewhere", like jail, I get more of the calm, settled feelings. This is his third time homeless and I am finding that I am getting more of those calm feelings even then. The first time I was a complete wreck. This time, he went back to a McDonald's restaurant to "live", same place had "lived" for 30 days in Sept./Oct. 2013. Who even knew you could live at a McDonald's? Bless them as homeless people have to be somewhere, but wow. I had a vision of him huddled outside against the brick building, in between the professionally landscaped and mulched beds, curled into a little ball against the cold north wind, hungry. I don't think it was that way at all. Even though he said it was so I, wow, I painted a very vivid picture in my mind. But I still didn't go and get him. When he left McDonald's this time on Jan. 2, 2014, I learned that he was inside, using people's cell phones, smoking cigarettes. I know this because he called me from one particular phone. I called it back once and a girl answered (found out later she was an employee) and handed him the phone. He obviously was inside. He was blowing smoke into the phone. I could hear it. I bought him a bus ticket back to our town as I had said I would when he was in rehab (before he got kicked out for failing a drug test). I could have reneged on that commitment but I couldn't think that fast at the time so I followed through. He had been there since Dec. 21 when he was kicked out of rehab. He played the Christmas card but neither my exhusband or myself bit. We are really really tired of it all. So, I also arranged for the Sheriff's department to meet the bus. I had to think long and hard about that. But I decided it was the best thing for me. Otherwise, he would be on my front porch, and THEN I would call the Sheriff's Department because as I told him clearly, you can't come here. This time, I was able to say, you can't come here because you have a warrant out for your arrest and I'm not going to be part of allowing you here when that is the case. That is easier than just having to say: You can't come here. But I have said that too, and I am sure (sadly) I will have to dig deep and find whatever it takes to say that again. OR---maybe---if I can stay out of the way long enough, he will turn, and go in a new direction. That is my daily fervent prayer. I am learning so much. Listening to other people share and tell their stories and what they have learned. One thing I am learning is that being homeless, while incomprehensible to me, can be tolerable. One man, who has a master's and a PhD and is in recovery, told me that he lived in Florida once before he started recovering, on the street for seven months, homeless, and he really didn't care that much. He said it was okay. Wow. I had to get my mind around that. As Cedar said, I am truly starting to see my son as an adult, instead of the precious red-headed, freckled face little boy he was. Wow, he was so cute. One time someone came up to me and said, you should get him some child modeling jobs, he is so cute. He also has a great smile, even now (years of braces! : ). But I am starting to realize and recognize that he isn't my little baby or my little boy. I can torture myself with all of the pictures all over my house of him and his brother (27 year old easy child) but neither of them is that person today. My difficult child is a grown man, and even though he has a terrible, awful, baffling, cunning, powerful disease that is at least 40 feet tall---a monster---he is a man. And he can choose recovery. But he doesn't. He would rather take drugs than anything. So...I am not as strong as I would like to be but I am definitely stronger than I used to be. And today, he is in jail so that is good for me. In view of it all, you know. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What does detachment look like to you?
Top