What does everyone who works do? how do you mange around difficult child's?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Oct 4, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so i was wondering what does anyone who is currently working do for work? Most of all how do you work around the demands of our difficult child's?

    i was just curious and thought it would be helpful to see what everyone else does? i need to implement creativity at this point i think. Doing the business on side is great, yet i'd like a full time job and need one. yet with difficult child's school refusal every a.m. and anxiety and being groggy it's hard. thats' why i left my office back in april. by the time i got her into school i was getting on late train and getting to office by eleven which made no sense at all.

  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I work four hour days. If I miss a day during the school year, I can make up the time by working two extra hours on two more days. I didn't make up time during the summer when I was paying for day care.

    The best way to describe my job is that I am a liason between our facility and the office that does our billing. I work at a Chemical Dependency state facility working with counties to assure that their authorization fits the services given. We have both in-patient and out-patient programs. I also work about 6 hours extra per month to process the lab and pharmacy bills for the facility.

    Last fall when difficult child was falling apart, I called into work to tell my supervisor that I did not know what was going on with difficult child. He would not stay at school without me in the building (mainly in his classroom) and I did not know when I could get my work done. I was so afraid that I would have to quit my job for this. My supervisor asked me to call another person - I had not known that there was a change in my supervision again. The person who was now my supervisor was from another facility so did not know me and my work ethic. So, I now have a new supervisor and I am not coming into work! YIKES! When I did make it in, he called me into his office. He was very understanding of what I was going through and stated that I have flexible hours. I am so grateful. I do however try my best to keep my posted hours so other staff know when I will be there to be available for whatever they need from my position.
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I have no idea! I stay at home, luckily. I don't think I could work. I spend so much of my time doing difficult child related things and especially in the past 2 years when we were trying to really get K help.
    husband traveled and worked out of state, he had to stop due to how severe K was.
    Part of the reason for our move was so that husband would not have to really travel anymore. Besides the Schools and medical help!
    I don't know how any of the single parents do it? I just couldn't with the level of violence we were dealing with on a daily basis. I think this is one of the only reasons K has not had to be Hospitalized again.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I teach full time and so does husband so at least difficult child, husband, and I (easy child too, of course) have the same hours. Luckily we do not have to deal with school refusal from our difficult child. There are many days, especially when difficult child is in full difficult child mode or when we are doing tons of appts. after school that I wished I only worked part time or not at all.

    I keep doing what I do because I love my job (most days) and I need the money. I know summer will come again and we can recharge ourselves. I also know that by working I am getting a sort of respite from my difficult child. It gives us all a break.

    Luckily the principals I've had over the years have been very understanding about difficult child and the times I've had to leave to pick him up due to appts. or suspensions. I know in many jobs I would not be so lucky!
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Adrianne That's great, just the type of schedule I would love. Sounds like they are very understanding which is soo important and hard to find. Your job sounds interesting also. It's important at times not only financially yet also mentally to keep the balance, do you find that? i did.

    T- Yes I remember now the move and that's great that there was an improvement due to it. It's great to be able to be home for them. So, are you enjoying where you live now? What about k?

    wiped out that's great i didnt' know you taught and him as well. wow so you must have some real insight when you hear about what goes on...... is it a public school? yes I could totally see that working hard all year long knowing that come June you get a break. I had originally gone to school for teaching that is what my associates degree is in, yet i taught special needs for period of time while finishing bachelor's and then boom i began having my kids. i never went back to teaching again yet i loved it.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I love my job. I do need it for an out. I did stay home with easy child for almost 3 years. The downside is trying to find daycare. Most will insist on a full time minimum. One lady also said, "You should just stay home and do daycare like I did." "What? Excuse me but you have no idea who I am." I need to get out of the house, not be tied down more. My husband is on the road a lot - more so when we first were married and easy child was young. That means I did not have many evenings to get out on my own. I was fortunate to find the most wonderful day care provider who not only charged only when the kids were there but is a excellent resource in child development. She helped us through a tough time with easy child. She was the one to point out to me that difficult child's speech was behind. I didn't know because I wasn't around other kids and easy child's speech was so far advanced that I didn't know what normal was.

    I have also promised myself that becoming a wife and mother would not completly keep me from doing what makes me happy. I would still be involved in volunteer work and find hobbies for alone time. I sometimes feel selfish but do believe that I am a person entitled to my own happiness.
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2008
  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    When I was in the full swing of difficult child duties I didn't work. I wanted (needed) to be available. Then I started to volunteer a bit after difficult child 1 got placed at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I kept doing that. difficult child 2 eventually ended up in placement and finally juvie. I happened to be standing at my husbands work when the owner said something about needing a cleaning person. I knew that it was late at night or early morning work so even with the out of town appointments for difficult children and stuff for easy child I would still be available. Then last spring I was offered a working position at the Red Cross in addition to the volunteer stuff. (They had watched me put in time on so many projects and new I was dependable) For that it is classes I teach and my boss there knows about all the trips and appointments not to mention easy child's games and such and schedules the classes to work with that. So over the last few years I went from no work (uh huh if you call running a difficult child household now work) to volunteering, to a part time job, to two part time jobs. Both jobs are great with scheduling and so flexible.

  8. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    difficult child was a difficult child from birth. AT first, she was my only child and it was not all so hard. In her eaarlier years she was a perfectionist and anxious but, she participated in things, and did not have the same seperation anxiety she has now. In early elementary school, her younger sister was involved in most things with her, and that helped some. I worked very close to home, so I was not haveing to commute or travel far etc, working in a nurseing home just a few blocks from home. My kids schools are also just a couple short blocks away. So difficult child was in a LOT of organized surpervised activities, and husband and I worked opposite shifts so one or the other of us was always with the kids. As husband fell ill, he did not work. Gradually I worked more..plus tended to his needs as well as the kids, but the kids were then getting a little older, and easy child helped a LOT. Then husband got so ill and so did difficult child that we were awarded help by the state due to husband and difficult children illnesses. So we got some respite in our home weekly. and we had many of the therapy in our home, many social workers etc in and out daily for over 5 years. By then husband could drive short distances and he drove the kids to daily extracurricular activities and daily therapies if the therapies were not at home-or whatever. It was a very complicated time.....and by then me and husband were both in day treatment programs ourself--part of the stipulation to get help for our difficult child. and partly becuz husband was quite mentally ill. We alternated days at the day treatment progam, one of us at day treatment, the other home with the kids, and usually a therapist, social worker, respite worker or homemaker person was at our house....unless the kids were in school, and often those people also did go to difficult child while she was at school. For us the school issues did not get unbearable and intolerable until middle school for difficult child. She did do what your dtr does, go to school nurses office. difficult child landed in psychiatric hospital in 7th grade and post psychiatric hospital things got terribly worse, partly becuz her psychiatric hospital stay freaked our school out. difficult child landed in psychiatric hospital becuz our facility for mental health lost their only psychiatrist and could not find a replacement for 11 months, and difficult children medications were causeing problems instead ofbeing helpful, but there was noone at the facility to do anything about it. School got weirded out, nervous to have a child ill enough to actually end up in a psychiatric hospital so they became frightened of difficult child. So it was only once difficult child was in 8th graade that she began to have school anxiety.
    I also worked the nite shift, thru it all, and got very very little sleep ever..tending to everything.
    By then I had fallen very very very ill myself and spent time as a quadriplegic.
    How weird, but.I was then HOME 24-7 and it resulted in difficult child haveing me right here all the time. Even tho I could not really DO anything....it affected her. Becuz I was so ill, I was awarded soc sec disability on my first application....and I wound up staying home since then. After difficult child was in psychiatric hospital, school got much worse, BUT our county mental health people got this stupid idea difficult child was "fine" and they stopped all therapies in home help, psychiatrists and tdocs. From a website for parents of bipolar children I met some people online that conected us to our last psychiatrist for difficult child who was instrumental in helping difficult child become more stable, more relaxed, and this saintly psychiatrist also gave me and difficult child her email and difficult child emailed this psychiatrist ALL the time.....and difficult child did much better haveing someone there on other end of keyboard.....and becuz of my disability I no longer had to figure out how I was going to keep our roof over our head or feed us. I no longer hd to panic wondering who would be with my kids etc, becuz finding anyone to watch difficult child for even oone hour was prolly the most difficult problem of all. And, truth be told very often, anyone who was here under the premise of "helping" caused more trouble than any help they ever gave. In the very end, in hindsight, it turns out, in my opinion.....seemed the more help we had, the less helpful it was, and the more problems it caused.
    Also in hindsight, my easy child bless her heart was a huge help- unfair to her.....and yes of course it has had an effect on the kind of person she is now.....she is quite independant, and strong with strong ideas and she backs up her ideas with her effort. Poor kid, she wound up haveing to do more than I am happy with.

    Truth is we had to accept a life that was not anything like "normal" For a long time we lived under heavy scrutiny and got help from county and state and had to answer for every brathe we took, everything was analyzed, in exchange for help just working and going to school etc. And between all the appts and etc our housework fell further and further out of priority. Family meals were eaten out of lunchboxes in mentalhealth care facilities waiting areas, or in car raceing from one appointment to another.....
    AND I was very familiar with human resources office for my employer, with me often getting leave under "Family Medical Leave Act" Sometimes I took it in small increments of an hour a week.sometimes I took consecutive blocks of time all at once, it depended on how my difficult child and husband were doing.

    A side note....I used to hate mental illness in a child becuz it seemed so few people had a clue what life with a seriously mentally ill child was like. Then my husband got so sick.and I found out people also do not understand what it is like to have a dependant spouse with serious mental illness...(catatonia alternateing with psychosis, and rages)
    and THEN I got to find out what it is like to have your own body entirely fail you completely. I think THATS when I really truly began to understand betetr about my difficult child and her brain that did not work like other peoples.
    LOL- well, then my son injurd his eye and whoo boy me and him wound up at Ronald McDonald House for the better part of almost 2 years....and there my son was with a very non mental illness disability......and I found out for absolute certain------people just do not get it about disabilities at all, no matter if it is mental or physical. No matter if it is you, a child or a spouse. The IEPs and childcare issues etc did not go any better with a physically disabled child than they went with a mentally disabled child. And trying to find work and work it around your own, your spouses or your childrens disabilities can be very very difficult indeed. Bosses do not understand, coworkers do not understand.....Hmmm.I worked 2 jobs full time, sometimes 3 jobs, ever since I was 12 years old and turned out to the streets. I never used a single sick day and never had a vacation day at all from age 12 until I had difficult child. That changed EVERYTHING.

    I know that working a different shift than your partner is hard, no fun, and it just stinks. But for us, that was the best thing we could come up with when my husband was still well enough to be able to take care of the kids. When I no longer had him to back me up, it became helter skelter hit or miss and it is just by the grace of G-d that we never had any worse tragedy related to the mad scramable to keep things going regarding childcare. Seems no matter HOW carefully we made plans, no matter who the plans were with, usually county respite, or tdocs etc.....it fell apart more than it ever fell into place.
    But we limped thru it.

    Now difficult child will be 20 in a couple weeks. easy child is now 18...and my son is a very independant 13. difficult child STILL needs someone with her at all times......becuz of how sick easy child has been with her preg, she never gets left alone. Son is technically too young to leave alone. husband is sick enough he cannot be left alone, but.....all their needs are different enough, they can be left now with each other. difficult child panics when alone, she cannot even be in a room alone....but aside from that she does OK. easy child is weak from her nonstop illness.....and is prone to falls, right now..so we walk beside her most of the time if she is up and about. Her judgement is very good re any issues here at home. She is intelligent and capable. Son of course is young, but smart, has good common sense, the only issue is that he is homeschooled now and by law must be with me or husband dureing school hours. husband is NOT capable, but no longer rages, but would passive suicide or whatever if noone took him to bathroom or told him to eat his meal or whatever. BUT the kids have grown up with him being that way and handle it as a matter of routine. They could do it in their sleep.
    So, the whole family now has grown enough and somehow everyones needs are different enough between them all, things now do work out. THat awful horrible crazy time did not last forever. with time we all grew in certain ways and adjusted and somehow just found ways to make Life work out.
    Hm, I am reading this and it sounds worse than what it is now..but the time a few years ago? Whew, it WAS a horrid nitemare time.....but at the time, I was so immersed in dealing with it, I had very little time or energy to SEE it for how bad it was kind of?
    We really had so few choices. Our Life is what it is.it was how it was.....I did what I had to do, somehow. None of it was at all even close to anything I ever dreamed, imagined or planned. Not even close. I think we lived on a wing a song and a prayer. I do remember we were given one choice.one I could not accept---give the kids up-----becuz difficult child was dififcult.......instead it built my resolve to just try harder to rise up and meet the challenges.BUT i also am VERY aware a lot of things were just good luck that we made it thru somehow. Ironically most of our crisises were dureing the times when the professionals were in charge of my kids. Looking back, I tend to think THEY made more mistakes than *I* did.

    THe other day I was going to post something about how sometimes more "help" does not turn out to be helpful.
    Kinda like "less is more"
    dureing that horrible time, difficult child had 1-1 daily, and girls social group for social skills in another town 3 times weekly, and another girls peer pressure group twice a week, in yet another town, and she had siblings group with her siblings once a week, and parent-child sessions once a week, and we had marriage therapy once a week and family whole family once a week, and she saw her psychiatrist weekly an hour away....plus me and husband were in day treatment, plus each child had their own mentor once a week, and we had a behavioral therapist working in our house and a WRAP facilittor in our home, and my girls each had a "Big" from big brothers big sisters once a week, plus me and husband each had our own psychiatrist and therapist, tdocs weekly, psychiatrists monthly....plus all 3 kids were in tae kwon do for 7 years and all 3 kids were in scouts, band and chorus....
    AND difficult child had a neurologist in chicago once a month, and son had 4 neurologists all in chicago----and husband had appts at VA an hour and a half away 4 times per week.
    I had a calender the size of a whole wall here, and we kept everything on it and had to consult that calender for time to use restroom. It was a horrible complicated time. and the end result, in my opinion-my kids never did learn how to think for themself, how to do anything without a professional first saying ok do it. I balked strongly against all this stuff going on, it sure was NO way to live. BUT .....our school and CPS in their infinite wisdom required us to keep this insane schedule.....and I was working full time the whole time.
    SOmetimes I had to race into a bathroom at work to talk on cell to coordinate things at home..my job did not permit phone calls or cell phones...heck, I was taking care of patients.
    BUT part of that type of job was I could choose to work overnite.or weekends, or holidays......and that helped.

    SOmehow someway you prolly WILL figure out how to make things work out for you. And someday you might look back in amazement and awe at yourself.

    Good luck. I'm not sure there is any one right answer.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I didnt work when my kids were very young...first I was going back to school and then daycare was too hard to find for Cory. I started working when he was 8...first nights so he was with his dad all night but that didnt really work all that well because the school would send him home during the day and then I got my "real" job when he was 9. He was in school during the day and in after school care with an aide. I was there till I had to leave due to my own issues.

    I just dealt with his problems while I worked. I got sick days and vacation time and I used that. He was well known where I worked because he would either show up or call quite often. I only worked 3 miles from my house.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Dreamer- Hi, I saw this response last night and taking care of older daug who was sick and set aside time today to really read it slowly. Every now and again someone here either says something, or shares something that when I am done reading it, it literally brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. This was one of those responses. The struggles you went through, your perserverance,strength, love for your kids and family, all that you did and still do i'm quite sure just took me back a bit to be quite honest, and humbled me.

    Thank you sincerely for taking the time to share all of that, for giving me and others the opportunity to see you, where you have been, where you are now. I'm usually not at a loss for words, as you all know quite well i'm a rambler....lol...yet i am in today in taking the time to read this.

    I just want to say that I think you are an incredible person with such a good heart, none of have the ability to see one another, yet wow that is quite the story. You are a good writer as well. Have you ever thought of writing down your experiences and possibly publishing?

    One thing I'd like to know after reading all of this is How is your health now?

    thanks again

    Jen :) :)
  11. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I am working PT (25-30 hours a week) plus I am going to school PT. But I will need to go FT now that I am in the process of moving out on our own. I am still not sure how I am going to pull it off. I have in homes and behavioral assistants here as it is for no less then 5 hours a week! Throw in the trips to the psychiatric and it's a second PT job, just to mange both difficult child's appts!

    I am reading these posts as well.
  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    My difficult child is now 23 and so I've been dealing with this for many years, unfortunately. I've been an RN for many years and worked nights in a level one truama center from ages 15-20 years of my son's life. Since he was 20, I've worked dayshift as an advanced practice nurse in a nephrology practice.

    I've always worked full-tiime even during the "principals have me on their speed-dial years." Working nights helped but I was pretty tired a lot of the time too.
  13. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    first, yes I write, I always have written, LOTS. I journal, have since I learned how to write as a small child. I wrote reams of poetry, I write "books" (unpublished for most part) and short stories. I write letters, pages and pages and pages, to many many people, LOTS of snail mail letters to a wide variety of people, elderly relatives, family friends, cyber friends, and also LOTS of long emails. Alas, while I write enormous amounts, I am disorganized, as I am sure you can tell. My thoughts race and run together and get mixed up and I just write or type away and let them come out as they come to me. Often I have no idea at all what I am going to write until I have written it. I am bipolar, I am hypomanic, have been all my life, and I am hyper um....hyper um.....well, LOL< there IS a word for it, but the word escapes me, but, it means I just write and write and write. And I am driven to write, and cannot rest of a day until I HAVE written. (no, I do not blog, becuz my webtv is not compatible with many blog sites)

    I am also hyper sensitive, and am always analyzing things, and I feel my emotional pain and often I feel others emotional pain....and there is a word for that, too, LOL, but again, I cannot find the word at the moment. And some will find THAT part of me to be myseterious or hokey or weird or whatever.but others who know me tell me I am, and others who are like me feel it in me.

    ANyway, most of the time I flew by the seat of my pants. I ran on autopilot a LOT.....Yes, raising difficult children is very very very hard. I remember I would be at work and be thinking on how to handle some issue with difficult child and my coworkers or friends etc would say things to me and I would think gosh....how come I have to parent so hard and they seem to not have to hardly parent at all?

    Over the years a few things sorta came to me.....some from other parents of other special children, some from day treatment, some from hospice patients......all kinds of sources. a few of these things stuck with me.
    In no particular order, I have these:




    The first one is a story about - um, in my opinion.how we EACH have a purpose in life, even our difficult children. This story helped me reconcile with the idea my difficult child has a purpose no matter how she ultimately turns out as an adult. Even if she does not have the life I had hoped all my children would have....even if she never became an independant adult. She still has a purpose.

    The next one is about learing to adjust and accept that Life did not turn out quite how I had planned.ok, not at all how I ever dreamed, not even close. Jon and Kate plus 8 say something on their show about.it may be a crazy life, but it is our life. OK, this is our life here at my house. It may be a crazy life, but it is our life. This is my husband, whom before he became so ill was my very best and dearest friend ever. ALas, NOW he is very damaged, unable to be my companion in any way at all most of the time, once every few months he might be who he once was for an hour or a day, and I treasure that. I am NOT a saint, while I understand his illness etc....there are still many days I scream and cry and get frustrated, angry etc becuz he is how he is. I get lonesome, I get tired, ..whatever. Some days it works to tell myself Ah self, BUT for a little while you did have the very best friend anyone could ever have.
    I do not have a link but, sometimes when I think of some of the things, I think of Kubler Ross and the stages of grief. My husband has been ill 20 years, my difficult child has been ill all her life. and even after all this time, I DO still bounce between the stages of grief.

    The serenity prayer. Some might say it is overused. For me, it applies. My difficult child was a difficult child before it was easy to get a doctor to be much help-- when difficult child was a small child, it was not at all uncommon for docs and teachers and everyone around you to fel as if your child was a difficult child becuz you were not a great parent. I could not change their opinions, and I could not magically make my child be fine and well. Back then there were not as many medication choices, altho my difficult child was in a few trials for different things, different therapies etc and she was in several studies.
    Which brings me to......um. sad to say these days I regret some of the ways difficult child was handled over the years....I regret some of the medications we DID try........aactually I blame some of the medications for cauesing her some irreversible harm.
    Be that as it may....my husband who is only coherent once in a blue moon, he has this to say to me often (when he is coherent) when I am kicking myself.....
    "you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time, you cannot kick yourself for science not knowing how to help, or for things turning out how they do so long as you did the best you could at the time, you cannot go back and second guess"
    Truth is haveing kids this ill, so many of them now out there, this is relatively NEW for parents to have kids like ours and have to struggle to have them in school etc. It was not really all that long ago children similar to ours were taken yung and institionalized and the parents did not have to figure out how to deal with coping with these kids the way people have to now. ALTHO------there were not the medications there are now.....a LOT of things have changed just in the last 30 or so years. SOme good for us and the kids, and some....maybe not so good, hard to tell. My heart was always in the right place, everything I did I did with love.
    I still do.

    Someone told me.....God only gives us what we can handle. I know there had to be a million times I thought to myself, oh my goodness, He gives me too much credit. Someone else said "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" Wow, I wonder if I am strong enough yet to move mountains? Except see, there is also a story about ??? um, oh I hope I get this right- um a man has a calf and he lifts that calf every single day.......every day.....and the calf, it grows, but as the calf grows, the man keeps lifting it and the mans muscles grow so he can continue to lift that calf. Um....my difficult child as a baby was ...less difficult in so many ways than she was later, BUT I was right here growing with her.....beside her......(OK I know it can be dofferent for parents who are stepparents or foster parents or adoptive parents etc.....)

    God loans us these children to love them and raise them and do the best we can. He trusts them to our loveing care....He has faith we can do this.
    How many times over the years did I just STOP and say whoa, Dude? can you share please? how do YOU have faith in me that I am not sure I can do this?
    Over the years I took some risks, not becuz I wanted to but becuz well, becuz sometimes I just did not know quite what to do and how to do it and simply just did the very best I could.
    And thats all anyone CAN do. And maybe someone else could have done it better than I did, or better than I am still doing..BUT last I checked I did not see anyone here saying hey, I will do it......nope...so I just kept on plugging along. I took some leaps of faith over the years, sometimes blind leaps------
    Sure I made some mistakes, I KNOW I did. BUt.the only perfection is NOT here on Earth.

    Always as my guide, I remembered I would have to look at myself in the mirror. SOmehow I did keep us fed......some of that busy time is a blur, becuz I WAS so stretched thin and exhausted for long term. My fav aunt always reminded me- God WILL provide your needs......but you must remember what you think is a need, He might not think is a need.
    ANd one day I saw (and bought) a Tshirt that said "Be Patient, God is not finished with me, yet" and I decided that applied to ME and it also applies to my difficult child........

    Some of us hit puberty at 8, some at 14, some at 16. My difficult child is going to be 20.......some days I get thru the day telling myself "maybe she is just a late bloomer".

    For so many years I lived life waiting....I would do THIS after this occured.....etc etc...and when difficult child was so ill, there were lots of things we did not do.....waiting and waiting for difficult child to get betetr, waiting for her to DO better. waiting for husband to be better......and one day I woke up and realized, oh my goodness.....these days go by and then they are GONE. and maybe difficult child is not going to ever be better?
    I lost my first husband when I was 25- diabetes. I lost my best friend in grade 5, a blood clot from a broken arm, in grade 8 my best friend was ill, she did not know, noone did, she had leukemia and passed away. In grade 10 my fav uncle shot and killed my fav aunt, and my best friend got hit by a car and died and her boyfriend got electrocuted and died at work. a couple years ago my best friend, my next fav aunt and my mom all died within a year of each other, and my son lost his eye and my husband was in ICU all at same time.
    I realized life keeps on going, time keeps passing.....I cannot keep "waiting"------difficult child is a difficult child. husband is sick.....but Life keeps going, and I have to live life, and so do they. Somehow over the years we slowly began to live around the illnesses. we learned to live thru the illnesses, we learned to live in spite of the illnesses. we learned to live TO spite the illnesses, LOL. we live over and under them, too.

    After I got sick, and then began to do better...I started to live life even in midst of whatever crisis was going on here.

    Oh, yes, um...Shari posted a thread about rheumatoid arthritis, and I relied in there, about my own illness......

    I guess bottom line, what I am TRYING to say is......
    ya gotta do what ya gotta do....and yes it might take some very creative thinking. It prolly will not be at all easy....so then sing yourself the song "I never promised you a Rose Garden" Some days there will not be any options.....so you will just have to do whatever it is you CAN do about a situation. You might have a plan BUT the plan might not work all the time. YOUR plan will be unique to YOU and YOUR situation. SOmetimes you will run on autopilot, someays you will run on reflex alone. SOmetimes you will feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Once in aawhile someone says to me "you are strong, to have done what you have done" and I say no.....I simply lived the life that was handed to me, I did what had to be done...there really were not a lot of choices or options a lot of the time. I mean what else was I gonna do? I'm really no different than anyone else. I am living my life, thats all.

    You will figure it out, you will find a way.....people do.

    You can read everyones replies here and that can be a stepping off place for you, and you can use all our replies tohelp yourself come up with a game plan. Best of luck. Yeah, I know, its hard.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I could only work part time. I worked at a bank from 9 - 2. That way I could get M to school and pick him up after. Daycare was a total washout with him, he sabotaged it every time.
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am very fortunate that I was able to be at home with both my children.

    Now, I do work a couple days a week. Fortunately bonehead (their father) is the owner of the compay and he understands. Actually, bonehead and I still work together because this is the company that we built while married. I do all the financial stuff, bookkeeping, payroll, etc. It definately gives me the ability to handle the difficult child issues.

    Eventually, I will need (and probably desire) to do more. For now, it works for everyone. I do consider myself very fortunate.

  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I was very fortunate to work for my brother in law after I moved to CT in 1993, when difficult child and easy child were 4 and 6. I remember dropping them at daycare at 6:25AM and picking them up at 5PM - what a long day for all of us. And I was single then. Later, when difficult child's morning issues became full blown tantrums, refusal to get on the bus, etc., I was still working for my brother in law but we were locally and it was just us starting up his company...so I had a bit of leeway and flexibility. Initially, the girls went to daycare about 7:30AM and I was able to get them by about 4:30PM. But then difficult child's behaviors truly became disruptive, so I went to my boss with a very heavy heart and a request to work part of my day from home, with every expectation of losing my job. I was the only support staff for the company - my working from home would require him to hire someone pt. He agreed! I was able to get difficult child on the bus, or drive her on the bad mornings, and be home in time to get her off the bus. I did this for a few years. On sick days, I would often bring her to work with me with a fleece sleeping bad and pillow and she'd nap under my desk while I worked. Even now, with all her shenanigans that keep my mind wandering at work and/or losing a day here and there are forgiven. This is the ONE key aspect as to why I continue to work there. I really do not love my job, but it pays the bills and has always offered me the flexibility a mom needs when dealing with a difficult child.

    I know that I am the exception and that I would never have been able to hold down a normal 9-5 job anywhere else with this level of flexibility. Incidentally, I'm not the only one with flexibility at my company - we've grown quite a bit since 11 years ago - everyone on some level enjoys the same level of flexibility and openness that I have. I just think I broke down the barriers for them. Later, I cannot tell you what a pleasure it was to be at work and be focused on my work - not be thinking about making it home for the bus or whether difficult child would pull something at daycare, etc.

    I hope you're able to find the right place that meets your needs. Go to the website for the "Working Woman" magazine. Annually, they list out the top family friendly companies for mothers (parents). Good luck~
  17. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    The original plan was for me to stay home with difficult child & babysit until difficult child went to school full time. Then back to work full time in Pharmacy. That was before she was born.....after, when medical bills & costs of everyday life of difficult child became so costly, I started working part time in the evenings & weekends along with babysitting during the day. Now that she has a placement in school that we hope will not require me to be available during the school day so often, I no longer babysit & started working part time during school hours or evenings/weekends. My employer works around my availability. On school days off & summer....I suppose I will be working evening shift/weekends only at less hours :( Not a Pharmacy position available anywhere that can work with my availability :( This is only a min wage job.....kinda stinks, but they work with my availability & I'm here for difficult child.
  18. jal

    jal Member

    husband and I work full time 8-4:30 M-F. He's in construction and I am in marketing. I took off 4 months when difficult child was born. difficult child started his issues around age 2. We are on our 5th daycare. I lost my job of 9.5 yrs. because of him. I luckily found a new job with-in 3 months and when difficult child was placed in psychiatric hospital this summer I had a lot of support from work. husband has worked there for 13 years plus. His boss is very accomodating and understanding so we have been lucky. We tend to bounce between each other when difficult child needs to be picked up. Luckily, we do not have school refusal (yet, he is only 6 and likes school, but can't always hold it together). We are now facing placement in a program for kids with-social/emotional/behavioral issues. That will now require a change in our routine.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2008
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    When Miss KT was born, I was in retail management, but Useless Boy and I were still married and working opposite shifts. After we moved back to Central CA, I went back to retail and he stayed home. When we divorced, I went back to school full time for my teaching credential. Miss KT was starting kindergarten, and we had a year of not too great day care.

    After that, I was teaching adult school part time, and subbing part time, and Miss KT had after school day care on campus, which charged on a sliding scale. Started teaching adults full time, met Hubby, and got to be a stay at home mom for a year. WHen Hubby was laid off, we decided he should go to college, so I started working for the IRS because they provide health insurance for seasonal workers, as long as you work a certain number of months. I continued to sub during furlough from the IRS. When Hubby graduated, he started working full time, and I went back to subbing full time.

    I didn't have trouble getting Miss KT to school, thank goodness, and since I didn't work every day I was able to help with events on campus. Having after school care on campus was a real lifesaver, and their summer programs are great.

    I hope this helps you with your decision! Many hugs.