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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 170106" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Adrianne said it very well - as parents we know our children best and have to learn to listen to our instincts and trust them.</p><p></p><p>Also, I have an important message. Perhaps this is because we are more isolated from services we would like to access, plus poverty restricts us even more, but I have learned perhaps one of the most important lessons - just because something is professionally available, and just because you throw money at your child's treatment, doesn't necessarily mean it's what is best for your child.</p><p></p><p>The Dore program is a classic example - it's based on practices that were used in the 80s and that were very much 'do-it-yourself with the help of these basic notes' and which I saw my sister trying with her son, with some degree of success. However, what was re-badged and re-packaged was then priced according to demand which put it out of reach of a lot of people. That didn't suddenly make it any more valid or worthwhile than the things my sister did, although perhaps a higher level of technology may have made a little difference, but this was offset by the reduced access. When you pay for therapy which is available one session a month, vs equipment in your garage that is available every day after school, the balance often comes down on the side of more frequent access.</p><p></p><p>And Dore have gone into receivership, in Australia at least.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean it wasn't good. But it wasn't necessarily as good as the price and exclusivity would indicate. And the system my sister built in her garage - it wasn't necessarily less good because it was cheaper, or more easily accessed.</p><p></p><p>We tend to expect medical science to have all the answers. We want a magic machine with a conveyor belt that we can load our kids onto at one end, and at the other end receive them neatly packaged with a diagnosis and a magic bullet medication package tat will magically turn our kids into perfect model citizens.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't exist. We are each the sum total of our experiences, and if a kid's early experience includes struggles with personal difficulties (ie behaviour; social problems; self-esteem problems; sensory overload confusion issues; any level of brain dysfunction) then even if you COULD magically fix the underlying problem, there will be in turn a functional overlay resulting from the early struggle.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we can with what we've got. We can't do any better than that and shouldn't beat ourselves up over it.</p><p></p><p>But you asked what has worked for us, so now I will tell you.</p><p></p><p>1) Believing in my own parental instincts. Something was wrong, even though it took years to convince health professionals of this. I even backed off and stopped seeking medical opinions, only to meet teachers who were almost rigid with anxiety over what my child was doing to them in the classroom. My instincts had been right.</p><p></p><p>2) Medication. Yes, I am one of those horrible parents who "drugs the children into submission", as a local anti-medication campaigner has called me. I stood up to her and told her that I stand by my decision because in our case, the results were spectacularly successful. Temple Grandin calls it the "Wow!" factor - if you dose a kid (or try a therapy, or change parenting styles) and you don't notice much, if any, difference - then you may as well not have bothered. But if you make the change and notice an amazing result, a "Wow! What a difference!" then you are onto something worth pursuing. But I recognise it's not for everyone. The medication used in our case - stimulants. difficult child 1 was put on ritalin to begin with, but after a few years and a necessary dosage increase we noticed rebound problems. At about this time ADHD was diagnosed in the younger two, and so difficult child 1 was changed to, and the others began, dexamphetamine. Once dosage was established this was changed to a sustained-release formulation which actually made it possible to reduce the overall dose.</p><p>Other medications - the boys were recommended to try antidepressants as a group, to try to deal with their anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues. difficult child 3 developed problems on Zoloft - he didn't sleep and became increasingly manic, we dropped it on the third day. difficult child 1 was more settled. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has only recently (a few months ago) started taking antidepressants but for her stomach, not for her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Hoxever, we've noticed she has been more settled and far less obsessive. </p><p>Risperdal - we tried it with both boys. difficult child 1 was sedated on it and doubled his weight in a few months. difficult child 3 was taking three times the amount (or more) with not much change; maybe some smoothing of symptom peaks. But no Wow factor, so we eventually stopped it because it was costing us too much and there's no point taking what isn't working. But I emphasise - that's OUR story.</p><p></p><p>3) Communication. We set up ongoing communication, in writing, between home and school. I had an exercise book clearly labelled in a plastic cover, which travelled in difficult child 3's school bag, to and from school. I would write in it; the teacher would write in it. It avoided the need for classroom step consultations at the end of a school day when undoubtedly the teacher would be desperate to get out of there and get home for a stiff drink. As a result, we were much quicker in getting on top of any problems as they arose, instead of having them fester for days, weeks or months. It was also much quicker and easier to recognise what was causing a problem, before it escalated.</p><p>husband & I also needed to communicate with each other, to make sure we were on the same page. And to that end, he now lurks on this site and reads just about every post I make. He also has joined the site and sometimes posts in his own right. It has improved what was already pretty darn perfect communication.</p><p></p><p>4) Dropping the martinet form of discipline. I thought I knew how to raise kids. I helped raise my sisters' kids, I already had one easy child and was sure I knew what to do. ANd it was working, for easy child. It even worked, to a point, with difficult child 1 and easy child 2/difficult child 2. But difficult child 3 was a totally different kettle of fish.</p><p>This site put me in touch with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. And again, harking back to point (1), it reminded me that my own parental instincts were important. Only now, I needed to use them to plug into my own child, to change my mind-set and see my child not as a perpetrator, but as a victim. Once I stopped seeing the kid as a malicious troublemaker, I found what was really driving him and found a better way to get what I wanted from him, with fewer tears and better cooperation. </p><p></p><p>5) I'm repeating myself a bit, but this can't be stressed enough - you need to connect with your child, meet the child where he/she is and use that as your starting point. If your child claims that everybody is being unfair, listen to him. Find out what is so darned unfair. Try and feel, at least for a minute, what your child is feeling. Because if you do this, you will be better equipped to help your child see the situation with more balance. Life IS unfair. Parents DO get it wrong sometimes. The child needs to know that if you make a mistake, you will apologise. Only then do you have a chance of teaching the child to apologise when they make a mistake.</p><p></p><p>6) Respect. Treat your child with respect, and you stand a better chance of them understanding what respect truly is. Put away the "Because I said so, that's why!" and get back into, "I will help you do this, if you will help me do that, please." Adults often require a child to say "please" and "thank you" and yet do not use those words themselves, when interacting with the children. Set an example - some kids can't learn any other way, but by patterning their behaviour on the example you set.</p><p></p><p>Trust yourself. Trust your child. Listen. Think. Feel. Communicate. Love. Learn what is available, use what works, dump what doesn't. Keep fighting for your child's rights (and yours). Talk to other parents, network with people who can advise you. Really use sites like this - the mutual support is what keeps so many people going. </p><p></p><p>Be reasonable but strong when needed.</p><p></p><p>And then detach, detach, detach...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 170106, member: 1991"] Adrianne said it very well - as parents we know our children best and have to learn to listen to our instincts and trust them. Also, I have an important message. Perhaps this is because we are more isolated from services we would like to access, plus poverty restricts us even more, but I have learned perhaps one of the most important lessons - just because something is professionally available, and just because you throw money at your child's treatment, doesn't necessarily mean it's what is best for your child. The Dore program is a classic example - it's based on practices that were used in the 80s and that were very much 'do-it-yourself with the help of these basic notes' and which I saw my sister trying with her son, with some degree of success. However, what was re-badged and re-packaged was then priced according to demand which put it out of reach of a lot of people. That didn't suddenly make it any more valid or worthwhile than the things my sister did, although perhaps a higher level of technology may have made a little difference, but this was offset by the reduced access. When you pay for therapy which is available one session a month, vs equipment in your garage that is available every day after school, the balance often comes down on the side of more frequent access. And Dore have gone into receivership, in Australia at least. That doesn't mean it wasn't good. But it wasn't necessarily as good as the price and exclusivity would indicate. And the system my sister built in her garage - it wasn't necessarily less good because it was cheaper, or more easily accessed. We tend to expect medical science to have all the answers. We want a magic machine with a conveyor belt that we can load our kids onto at one end, and at the other end receive them neatly packaged with a diagnosis and a magic bullet medication package tat will magically turn our kids into perfect model citizens. It doesn't exist. We are each the sum total of our experiences, and if a kid's early experience includes struggles with personal difficulties (ie behaviour; social problems; self-esteem problems; sensory overload confusion issues; any level of brain dysfunction) then even if you COULD magically fix the underlying problem, there will be in turn a functional overlay resulting from the early struggle. We do the best we can with what we've got. We can't do any better than that and shouldn't beat ourselves up over it. But you asked what has worked for us, so now I will tell you. 1) Believing in my own parental instincts. Something was wrong, even though it took years to convince health professionals of this. I even backed off and stopped seeking medical opinions, only to meet teachers who were almost rigid with anxiety over what my child was doing to them in the classroom. My instincts had been right. 2) Medication. Yes, I am one of those horrible parents who "drugs the children into submission", as a local anti-medication campaigner has called me. I stood up to her and told her that I stand by my decision because in our case, the results were spectacularly successful. Temple Grandin calls it the "Wow!" factor - if you dose a kid (or try a therapy, or change parenting styles) and you don't notice much, if any, difference - then you may as well not have bothered. But if you make the change and notice an amazing result, a "Wow! What a difference!" then you are onto something worth pursuing. But I recognise it's not for everyone. The medication used in our case - stimulants. difficult child 1 was put on ritalin to begin with, but after a few years and a necessary dosage increase we noticed rebound problems. At about this time ADHD was diagnosed in the younger two, and so difficult child 1 was changed to, and the others began, dexamphetamine. Once dosage was established this was changed to a sustained-release formulation which actually made it possible to reduce the overall dose. Other medications - the boys were recommended to try antidepressants as a group, to try to deal with their anxiety/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues. difficult child 3 developed problems on Zoloft - he didn't sleep and became increasingly manic, we dropped it on the third day. difficult child 1 was more settled. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has only recently (a few months ago) started taking antidepressants but for her stomach, not for her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Hoxever, we've noticed she has been more settled and far less obsessive. Risperdal - we tried it with both boys. difficult child 1 was sedated on it and doubled his weight in a few months. difficult child 3 was taking three times the amount (or more) with not much change; maybe some smoothing of symptom peaks. But no Wow factor, so we eventually stopped it because it was costing us too much and there's no point taking what isn't working. But I emphasise - that's OUR story. 3) Communication. We set up ongoing communication, in writing, between home and school. I had an exercise book clearly labelled in a plastic cover, which travelled in difficult child 3's school bag, to and from school. I would write in it; the teacher would write in it. It avoided the need for classroom step consultations at the end of a school day when undoubtedly the teacher would be desperate to get out of there and get home for a stiff drink. As a result, we were much quicker in getting on top of any problems as they arose, instead of having them fester for days, weeks or months. It was also much quicker and easier to recognise what was causing a problem, before it escalated. husband & I also needed to communicate with each other, to make sure we were on the same page. And to that end, he now lurks on this site and reads just about every post I make. He also has joined the site and sometimes posts in his own right. It has improved what was already pretty darn perfect communication. 4) Dropping the martinet form of discipline. I thought I knew how to raise kids. I helped raise my sisters' kids, I already had one easy child and was sure I knew what to do. ANd it was working, for easy child. It even worked, to a point, with difficult child 1 and easy child 2/difficult child 2. But difficult child 3 was a totally different kettle of fish. This site put me in touch with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. And again, harking back to point (1), it reminded me that my own parental instincts were important. Only now, I needed to use them to plug into my own child, to change my mind-set and see my child not as a perpetrator, but as a victim. Once I stopped seeing the kid as a malicious troublemaker, I found what was really driving him and found a better way to get what I wanted from him, with fewer tears and better cooperation. 5) I'm repeating myself a bit, but this can't be stressed enough - you need to connect with your child, meet the child where he/she is and use that as your starting point. If your child claims that everybody is being unfair, listen to him. Find out what is so darned unfair. Try and feel, at least for a minute, what your child is feeling. Because if you do this, you will be better equipped to help your child see the situation with more balance. Life IS unfair. Parents DO get it wrong sometimes. The child needs to know that if you make a mistake, you will apologise. Only then do you have a chance of teaching the child to apologise when they make a mistake. 6) Respect. Treat your child with respect, and you stand a better chance of them understanding what respect truly is. Put away the "Because I said so, that's why!" and get back into, "I will help you do this, if you will help me do that, please." Adults often require a child to say "please" and "thank you" and yet do not use those words themselves, when interacting with the children. Set an example - some kids can't learn any other way, but by patterning their behaviour on the example you set. Trust yourself. Trust your child. Listen. Think. Feel. Communicate. Love. Learn what is available, use what works, dump what doesn't. Keep fighting for your child's rights (and yours). Talk to other parents, network with people who can advise you. Really use sites like this - the mutual support is what keeps so many people going. Be reasonable but strong when needed. And then detach, detach, detach... Marg [/QUOTE]
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