What have I raised?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sherril2000, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    I swear I must really be a terrible parent. My son is in jail charged with attempted robbery. He actually just called me & demanded that I go pay the drug dealer off that he is charged with robbing. He told me he will never speak to me again if I don't. I told him I would be charged with- bribery for this & would never do something so stupid. He just told me there was no way I could get charged for this. He honestly just doesn't care. I asked him who would take care of of him & his sister if I were sent to prison. He told me I'm just being dramatic. I really don't know why he is so thoughtless & uncaring. His dad was very abusive toward me, but I always tried to raise him to be respectful of others. I also taught him not to steal, marching him back into Farm Fresh & making him apologize to the store manager & return a bottle of wine he stole when he was 14. None of my other 3 children have ever gotten in any trouble with the law, & certainly never disrespect me like he does. No matter what he does, he's my son & I will always love him, but I made it abundantly clear he will have to take responsibility & pay for any crimes he commits. I just don't know what it will take to turn this boy around. It's like he just has this need to self-destruct.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does your son have a different father than the others?

    You did nothing wrong, but DNA is huge and often the problem with our kids is inborn. You say he is like his father. Even if he was never there, he has 50% 0f his father's DNA.

    To s uch a ridiculous question as to will you risk your life and pay his drug deal, who must be one swell guy, I probably would have laughed, b ut I would not have engaged him in any reasons why I won't. I would have likely said, "If you choose to hang with criminals, it is on you to deal with them." I might even have hung up if it went any further.

    He is young. Hopefully this will change him.

    Don't waste your time feeling guilty. Unless you inject drugs into him, he made a choice to become like this and it's on him, not you.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Stay with us. We care.
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Sherril, this is not a reflection of your parenting, I repeat, this is not a reflection of your parenting.
    Your son is an adult and made the choice to get into trouble all on his own.

    This is emotional blackmail. If it were me and my said this I would tell him, "well then this will be our last conversation because I am not going to pay off a drug dealer" I would not offer any other explanation because it only invites him to argue the point.
    Your son is speaking out of fear and desperation.

    He got into trouble all on his own and will have to pay whatever consequences come his way.

    :staystrong:
     
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Great. So that you become part of a conspiracy to cover up a crime. That will go well with your licensing body when it comes time to renew.

    First, the right thing has happened. If he is so out of control as to have robbed a drug dealer, he is safer in jail.

    Second, I agree with SWOT and Tanya, one hundred percent. He got himself into this. He will find a way out. This has not one thing to do with your parenting. Stop it.

    Third, you said it all. You will take responsibility and pay for crimes you commit. End of story.

    He is very young. Male brains do not mature until about 28 years old. Wonderful.

    If he gets prison time he could go to college from there. Find and strengthen faith in Chapel. Find some hobbies. Do sports. Get mental health treatment. But even turning to these choices in prison takes sense. Let's see what he does now. The more he is left to his own devices, the better.

    Let's see what he makes of things. Good for you, Mom, you are getting out of the way. You are doing a great job in a horrible situation.

    Keep posting. We are here. I am sorry for you this is happening. For your child, I think it is just the right thing.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 2, 2015
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Could it be that the drug dealer is threatening to harm you?

    Or is threatening to have someone harm him, there where he is?

    Cedar
     
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This fills me with dread. Of course this might be so. I could not permit myself to go here, but of course this might be the case.

    If the threat is against him he can inform the jail and be put into protective custody. If it is against you, there are other actions to take. I wish Jabber were here. He is a Correctional Case Counselor in Prisons, a Correctional Officer. He would know what to do.

    Maybe you can send him a private message and ask him to post to this thread.

    Keep posting. Please.
     
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Drug dealers are dangerous. My daughter told me after she quit that there were a few after her.

    I would stay the hello away from any drug dealer.
     
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  8. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you all for your replies. This kid has always been able to push all my buttons. He is very manipulative & emotional blackmail is something he uses often. It helps so much to hear from rational people who don't judge. He really does make we wonder why. I am sure he isn't being threatened by other inmates. He told me he picked up more charges in jail because he was accused of trying to start a fire a week ago. (Of course he didn't do this & can't imagine why he was charged.). Because of the charges he was moved to a different block where he came in contact with- an associate of the drug dealer he robbed . This associate told him the drug dealer wouldn't show up in court if my son gave him money & put money on the associates Canteen. The whole thing is crazy, & like I told him, I am not paying anyone. As for the drug dealer, from what I've been told he's just some college kid trying to make money selling pot. He's never had any charges, & I am hoping he's not dangerous. I did warn my son though, that ppl could easily seek retaliation against him by coming after me or his sister.
     
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I doubt if the drug dealer were some college kid, that he would have associates in jail.

    It sounds more like gang involvement, to me. While that is nothing to take lightly, there is nothing you can do about it either.

    Actually, it sounds like your son is having fun in jail and not suffering one bit. Try to take heart from that and learn from it too.

    Take care.
     
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  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Yeah, always LOVED dealing with offenders like this. Had several that I swear, I could walk around a corner and observe them sticking the knife into the body a couple of more times and their response would be "Why are you freecasing me? I didn't kill him, he was already dead!" Freecasing means just what it sounds like, that we are citing them for a violation that they didn't commit.

    First off, paying the drug dealer to not testify is called tampering with a witness and yes, it IS a felony. Secondly, this is a VERY common ploy in prison that offenders use to get money put on their books. Its just another hustle. As far as the dealer coming after you? Possible but unlikely. The fact of the matter is, they will only come after you if they think that it will help get them their money in some way. If you wont pay them and your son wont pony up to keep them away, which being in jail will make that impossible, then there is no reason whatsoever for them to come after you. That being said, take precautions. Sometimes they are spiteful and will do it to hurt the person that owes them. Document EVERYTHING and give it to the authorities. If you get any strange phone calls or messages, contact the authorities. There is a possibility that the dealer will come after you but it is highly unlikely. No profit in it and lets be realistic, what they do is illegal but it is business and business is all about the bottom line. It would look VERY bad on him if you or your family were to be harmed right now.
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The second sentence proves the first one isn't true. If you were a terrible parent, you would have four terrible children, not just one.

    Not necessarily. A college kid could very well have a friend "associate" who got arrested for anything really and is trying to make money for himself (put $ on his account) and his friend the pot dealer.

    Regardless, to go "pay off" the dealer is witness tampering. It is a crime. You likely would get caught. You are right to tell him to forget it.

    I'm so sorry.
     
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  12. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Again, thank you both for your replies. @Jabberwockey, thanks for telling me what the correct legal name for this is. Knew it had to be illegal, but wasn't sure what it was actually called. Next time my son calls I'm definitely telling him what he's asking me to do could get me charged with a felony. I'm not too worried about the drug dealer either. I did just have a security system installed & don't go out alone after dark. From your experience have you ever seen kids like mine straighten up & stay out of jail?
     
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  13. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Jail/Prison is a double edged sword. I have seen cases where people walked in, the reality hit them in the face and they wanted no more of it and straightened up their lives. I have also seen people who were not criminals and had just made a bad decision walk in and walk out a more effective and enthusiastic criminal. I wish I could tell you that I knew that this is what will turn his life around but I would be lying. It is possible but its been my experience that the two examples I gave are extremes and most fall into the category of screwing up criminally a few times before getting their lives straight. If I've learned nothing else in my time working for Corrections, its that people will change their lives when they are damned well good and ready and not a moment before and there is no way to predict when they will be ready.
     
  14. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you. I'm praying he's ready soon! This is the 3rd time he's been locked up. I would think he'd be tired of being incarcerated by now.
     
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Like I said, seen people figure it out the first time and seen people that are in to double digits and still haven't figured it out.
     
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He has a good imagination, I give him that. I don't believe it. It's too crazy.

    Stick to your guns.

    No is a complete sentence. I wouldn't even stay on the phone if he argued with you over something that he got himself into that could harm both himself and others, if it's even true. And I personally don't believe it is. He just wants money and they will say or do almost anything to get it if they are drug addicts. Drug addiction brings out the worst.
     
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  17. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Oh it's true. Sadly, my daughter has friends who are sisters & brothers of the drug dealer & his associate. Whispers on the street of whether my son is going to "man up" & pay the dealer are what she's hearing every day. No one is threatening her or me though. To someone who doesn't live through this drama that has become our life, I'm sure it would sound like a lie. I only wish it were.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did live through it and there were dealers after my daughter, but she never gave me specifics until after she quit. We sent her to another state. Well, actually she arranged to go to another state to get away from the craziness of her drug life...and she quit and did not make other drug friends. There is hope.

    But I would stay away from this. It's not your circus, not your monkeys. And if Daughter is under eighteen I'd do what I could to make sure she stopped being friends with the same element your son hangs out with. It was hard enough one time. Two times...and it happens...I can only imagine the mental anguish.

    Hugs and take care.
     
  19. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    Thank you. Hugs to you too, I'm sorry you had to go through a similar nightmare. I'm happy to hear your daughter is doing better though. Trust me, I'm not participating in any of this, & I've made that clear to my son. As for my daughter, I'm staying strict but loving. I am there to listen & be supportive, but between my crazy ex & I, we are watching everything she does. She's a pretty good kid, but has tried to test the limits a few times. She knows when to quit, though. That's the big difference between her & her brother.
     
  20. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Sherril,

    You know it was not because you were a bad mother, right? My brother used to tell me what others have said to you. I was convinced husband and I had done something(s) terribly wrong. My brother would say, Hey, you have two kids that are not getting in trouble. It is NOT you. It took me years to believe it, though. I would re-visit little vignettes of his life and think, AHA, i bet THAT it where things went wrong. Mostly memories of when his feelings were hurt, usually by others - and thinking husband and I should have stood up for him and "righted" the injustice. This would be stuff every child experiences, including you and I.

    I remember feeling horrible guilt that I hit him on the arm with a wooden spoon when he smart-mouthed me while I was cooking dinner. Not hard, but it surprised both of us. He was about 13yo.

    Thank goodness, I saw a FB post - one of those endless share things - How many had a mother who hit you with a wooden spoon?!?! And, like 1 million people had liked it, haha. Not saying it was the right thing to do, just pointing out we can get carried away with guilt.

    My son was incarcerated after making many very poor choices and possibly, at least partly, due to the fact that I hit him with a wooden spoon???!??!? (Let me emphasize, there were no marks left). o_O
    But, that was often my line of thinking.

    My Difficult Child has also been incarcerated three times. I used to think each time he thought he would outsmart everybody--that he could/would not be caught....and that he was slow at figuring out he could indeed. He has not been incarcerated in about ten years, but he is still not a loving, productive human. husband and I still hold hope.

    Hugs,
    SS
     
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