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What I feared has arrived, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 500877" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks Signorina, for the hugs and for the kindnesses. Yes, start letting go, you don't want to be my age with a kid who you've enabled for 39 years, do it now, get lots of support, surround yourself with love and knowledge, detach from him so he can learn to develop his own strengths. We harm them more then help them by enabling them once they]re old enough to take care of themselves. Recently, in one of my codependency classes, I read an info sheet about <u>characteristics of codependency in relationships</u>, the line <strong>"<em>your struggles affect my serenity</em></strong>" jumped off the page. Wow. I didn't know it could be another way when you love someone. It gave me an insight into detachment. Not so long ago I would have argued that if you care for someone, OF COURSE your serenity would be impacted, now I see it differently. What does all my energy directed and focused on them do for them exactly? Rob them of the ability to take care of themselves and learn, as a result, that they are capable, strong, competent and successful. That's how I learned to be so resourceful, I made lots of mistakes and learned from them, and it was scary sometimes, I was pushed to the limit of my abilities, but I pushed through the fear and I went forward. I helped to take that from my daughter, I helped her become helpless, manipulative and angry. And, now, instead of feeling guilty and responsible, I have to be strong and say no and allow her the consequences of her behavior. She just called me again from jail, collect, asking if I could go pay for her cell phone because if I don't she will lose the number she has had for 3 years. Seems pretty stupid to be thinking of that when you are in jail for a felony. I asked her why she needs the phone in jail. She said, "I'm getting out of here on Tuesday" and she couldn't help herself, her attitude and anger and sarcasm slipped through her attempt at being sorry and thankful. Fortunately I actually heard the usual voice and I said no. And hung up. And, yes, it's hard, but I keep thinking, instead of the easy fix for me to feel better about myself in helping her, I am thinking of the long haul, saying no and being uncomfortable now, so MAYBE she will take some responsibility for herself, SOMEDAY. Or not. But I can't save her anymore. I'm finished. I guess I'll have to deal with this for awhile, this uncomfortable feeling I get when I say no, but I <strong>will </strong>deal with it because I know how detrimental this is for both she and I. I have a very strong commitment to change this, no matter what I have to do now. </p><p></p><p>On a lighter note, just to say something positive, my granddaughter got her permit to drive on Friday and is one happy kid to be driving. She is nothing like her mother. She and her boyfriend got in trouble because he drove her home from school the other day, when he shouldn't be driving other young kids around with him until he's 18. So his Dad saw them. He got grounded. My granddaughter actually called his Mom, her idea, and owned her part in it, apologized and they ended up talking for a half an hour. She felt so good about herself and we acknowledged, as did the boyfriends Mom, just how brave that was. She is 15 and learning to take responsibility for herself. Her Mom is 39 and is clueless. My granddaughter is the light in my life. </p><p></p><p>So, it's cold and raining outside, a good day for the split pea soup cooking on the stove. I am remembering one of my many therapists telling me that spiritual/psychological health is living in the paradoxes of life and not going crazy. Right now this feels like one of those paradoxes, learning to love my daughter in a different way, to say no, to not give in, to detach, to let go, to <strong>not</strong> be there, against my nature in some ways, but the only way out for both of us. God bless all you warriors out there, <em>'may the force be with you!!'</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 500877, member: 13542"] Thanks Signorina, for the hugs and for the kindnesses. Yes, start letting go, you don't want to be my age with a kid who you've enabled for 39 years, do it now, get lots of support, surround yourself with love and knowledge, detach from him so he can learn to develop his own strengths. We harm them more then help them by enabling them once they]re old enough to take care of themselves. Recently, in one of my codependency classes, I read an info sheet about [U]characteristics of codependency in relationships[/U], the line [B]"[I]your struggles affect my serenity[/I][/B]" jumped off the page. Wow. I didn't know it could be another way when you love someone. It gave me an insight into detachment. Not so long ago I would have argued that if you care for someone, OF COURSE your serenity would be impacted, now I see it differently. What does all my energy directed and focused on them do for them exactly? Rob them of the ability to take care of themselves and learn, as a result, that they are capable, strong, competent and successful. That's how I learned to be so resourceful, I made lots of mistakes and learned from them, and it was scary sometimes, I was pushed to the limit of my abilities, but I pushed through the fear and I went forward. I helped to take that from my daughter, I helped her become helpless, manipulative and angry. And, now, instead of feeling guilty and responsible, I have to be strong and say no and allow her the consequences of her behavior. She just called me again from jail, collect, asking if I could go pay for her cell phone because if I don't she will lose the number she has had for 3 years. Seems pretty stupid to be thinking of that when you are in jail for a felony. I asked her why she needs the phone in jail. She said, "I'm getting out of here on Tuesday" and she couldn't help herself, her attitude and anger and sarcasm slipped through her attempt at being sorry and thankful. Fortunately I actually heard the usual voice and I said no. And hung up. And, yes, it's hard, but I keep thinking, instead of the easy fix for me to feel better about myself in helping her, I am thinking of the long haul, saying no and being uncomfortable now, so MAYBE she will take some responsibility for herself, SOMEDAY. Or not. But I can't save her anymore. I'm finished. I guess I'll have to deal with this for awhile, this uncomfortable feeling I get when I say no, but I [B]will [/B]deal with it because I know how detrimental this is for both she and I. I have a very strong commitment to change this, no matter what I have to do now. On a lighter note, just to say something positive, my granddaughter got her permit to drive on Friday and is one happy kid to be driving. She is nothing like her mother. She and her boyfriend got in trouble because he drove her home from school the other day, when he shouldn't be driving other young kids around with him until he's 18. So his Dad saw them. He got grounded. My granddaughter actually called his Mom, her idea, and owned her part in it, apologized and they ended up talking for a half an hour. She felt so good about herself and we acknowledged, as did the boyfriends Mom, just how brave that was. She is 15 and learning to take responsibility for herself. Her Mom is 39 and is clueless. My granddaughter is the light in my life. So, it's cold and raining outside, a good day for the split pea soup cooking on the stove. I am remembering one of my many therapists telling me that spiritual/psychological health is living in the paradoxes of life and not going crazy. Right now this feels like one of those paradoxes, learning to love my daughter in a different way, to say no, to not give in, to detach, to let go, to [B]not[/B] be there, against my nature in some ways, but the only way out for both of us. God bless all you warriors out there, [I]'may the force be with you!!'[/I] [/QUOTE]
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