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What is Enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 656383" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Just reading along this thread. For those of us who struggle, what we struggle with is our feelings. Our feelings are real. We love people who are self-destructing. Of course, we have profound feelings about that, and those feelings fill us up and spill over. When we are with them, and they are telling us all about their lives and their feelings, our feelings in reaction to that become overwhelming.</p><p></p><p>Usually, that is when we react and we do and say all kinds of things. I know, because I have done it, over and over and over again.</p><p></p><p>How to stop? First, do we want to stop? Do we believe that we are helping them, still? That is step one, to decide if we want to stop. </p><p></p><p>If we do, then we have to see and acknowledge what we are doing. We have to identify the cycle. We acknowledge our very real and true feelings....we decide to feel them...<u><strong>and then we decide not to act on them</strong></u>. </p><p></p><p>The feelings are still there. What do we do with these feelings?</p><p></p><p>For many of us, it is nearly impossible to hear them talk, see them in their lives, feel our feelings...and not act/react. That is where time and space and distance come in. We have to create boundaries (space, time, distance) so we don't act/react when we feel like this. Otherwise, we can't do it---it's just too hard. </p><p></p><p>This is step one. As we are in this separate time and space, we start the work. We go to Al-Anon meetings, we get help, we work hard, we use tools. We do it every single day. As we do that, we get stronger and stronger and we learn new ways of thinking. We get clearer about what we are doing. And why we are doing it. </p><p></p><p>We are what we think and what we read and what we learn. If we read different, we think different. If we learn different, we think different. And when we start thinking differently, we start acting differently. Our behavior changes. </p><p></p><p><u>We may still feel the same</u>, but I have found that my feelings have changed over time as my thinking and behavior have changed.</p><p></p><p>We have to disconnect our feelings from our actions. This is huge for many of us. This is something we have never done before. I always acted on my feelings all my life---I thought this was the one true thing that I knew---what I felt. </p><p></p><p>That is why the incredible wisdom of Feelings Aren't Facts is incredible wisdom. If you have Al-Anon literature/books with you right now, look at the index in the back of the book you have and read every single entry about feelings. It is amazing how just doing that will start to help you so much. </p><p></p><p>It's not that we all don't feel the same about our dcs. We do. We wish so much that things were different for them. </p><p></p><p>We have to see ourselves as struggling people, just like our dcs are struggling people. As long as we see ourselves as different from them, we are going to be stuck. We are no different from them. If we could turn the lens onto ourselves, like we see them, we would see people who are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. </p><p></p><p>I'm not at all saying this is easy stuff. It is not easy at all. But first we have to acknowledge, and then we have to work. </p><p></p><p>Here is a good post about this: <a href="http://drjenniferchrisman.com/2012/06/good-news-feelings-are-not-facts/" target="_blank">http://drjenniferchrisman.com/2012/06/good-news-feelings-are-not-facts/</a></p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to all tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 656383, member: 17542"] Just reading along this thread. For those of us who struggle, what we struggle with is our feelings. Our feelings are real. We love people who are self-destructing. Of course, we have profound feelings about that, and those feelings fill us up and spill over. When we are with them, and they are telling us all about their lives and their feelings, our feelings in reaction to that become overwhelming. Usually, that is when we react and we do and say all kinds of things. I know, because I have done it, over and over and over again. How to stop? First, do we want to stop? Do we believe that we are helping them, still? That is step one, to decide if we want to stop. If we do, then we have to see and acknowledge what we are doing. We have to identify the cycle. We acknowledge our very real and true feelings....we decide to feel them...[U][B]and then we decide not to act on them[/B][/U]. The feelings are still there. What do we do with these feelings? For many of us, it is nearly impossible to hear them talk, see them in their lives, feel our feelings...and not act/react. That is where time and space and distance come in. We have to create boundaries (space, time, distance) so we don't act/react when we feel like this. Otherwise, we can't do it---it's just too hard. This is step one. As we are in this separate time and space, we start the work. We go to Al-Anon meetings, we get help, we work hard, we use tools. We do it every single day. As we do that, we get stronger and stronger and we learn new ways of thinking. We get clearer about what we are doing. And why we are doing it. We are what we think and what we read and what we learn. If we read different, we think different. If we learn different, we think different. And when we start thinking differently, we start acting differently. Our behavior changes. [U]We may still feel the same[/U], but I have found that my feelings have changed over time as my thinking and behavior have changed. We have to disconnect our feelings from our actions. This is huge for many of us. This is something we have never done before. I always acted on my feelings all my life---I thought this was the one true thing that I knew---what I felt. That is why the incredible wisdom of Feelings Aren't Facts is incredible wisdom. If you have Al-Anon literature/books with you right now, look at the index in the back of the book you have and read every single entry about feelings. It is amazing how just doing that will start to help you so much. It's not that we all don't feel the same about our dcs. We do. We wish so much that things were different for them. We have to see ourselves as struggling people, just like our dcs are struggling people. As long as we see ourselves as different from them, we are going to be stuck. We are no different from them. If we could turn the lens onto ourselves, like we see them, we would see people who are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I'm not at all saying this is easy stuff. It is not easy at all. But first we have to acknowledge, and then we have to work. Here is a good post about this: [URL]http://drjenniferchrisman.com/2012/06/good-news-feelings-are-not-facts/[/URL] Warm hugs to all tonight. [/QUOTE]
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