What is the right thing??

[klmno]

difficult child called and I was trying to fill him in about probably staying in this area but he seems bummed out because he really wants to move away from here- anywhere.

I'd already postponed the trip to meet the man in the neighboring state because he seeemed unsure about what he wants to do at all for one thing. Then there is the job I have now (in this field, it is a project after a project but none last a really long time, at least if they last that long it wouldn't be keeping a person busy full time) and I didn't want to take off for a few days when I can be here earning money. Then I got the interview/meeting with the guy on Monday for a regular, full-time job, and that's around here, too.

I'd LOVE to move out of this area (although not in with my mother), but given a choice I don't want to lose the house and cringe over the money I had in it that would be lost. Also, I've been in this area a long time now and these people are all telling me they are comfortable considering hiring me because they know people I have worked with before. (I think it's like references that are just spreading a good reputation instead of someone formally calling a previous employer.) This goes a long way and if I move out of this area, that advantage is gone. If I get the full time job, I know I can keep the house. I might not be able to keep it if I don't, then would need to think about renting a place in order to stay here and try making it on my own.

But what if this really isn't best for difficult child? He says he wants to move away in order to have a fresh start and he thinks that will help more than anything in him staying out of trouble. I don't want to lower his chances of success. Of course I have to support him and it's not exactly like I have a job offer in hand someplace else.

He couldn;'t talk long but I was trying to tell him that if I can hold onto the house and work, it would give me a chance to repair it and then sell it and credit wouldn't be ruined for years and we would have more options about where to live next. This could be Plan B so if he gets out and IS having a hard time living around the same neighborhood and staying out of trouble, we could still move later.

 

[everywoman]

What if you gave up the house, stayed in the the same area, but changed neighborhoods...maybe a new school district, new small town nearby, next county....that would be the best of both worlds-

 

[klmno]

I was editing while you were posting, EW. That is what I was telling difficult child as far as Plan A being to keep the house, but if he's struggling we move to Plan B, which would be moving to the next county. If I don't get the full time job and they take the house anyway, we automatically go to Plan B unless I find a better job out of this general area. The bad part abouut that though is it means a forclosure instead of selling the house.

Do you think that is pushing it too much with difficult child's chances?

 

[flutterby]

Honestly, given the experience you've had in your county, I would go for Plan B to start with.

Selling a house in this market, as you already know, is next to impossible. Also, what you've put into your house financially, doesn't mean as much since house prices have fallen so drastically. Your credit is already shot, so a foreclosure really isn't going to hurt it and bankruptcy will give you a clean slate. You can buy a house again 2 years after you file bankruptcy, on average.

We don't have a crystal ball, unfortunately. You can never know if A is better than B or vice versa, but you're obviously having doubts over Plan A, so trust your gut.

 

[klmno]

You might be right. Honestly, I'm having doubts over all of it. It's certainly less frightening to try to hold onto the house a few more months. If I go the foreclosure route, it goes in about 3 weeks and I'd feel a lot better being a little more secure with employers first. I'll call them tomorrow- if I can get the full time job, it could help a lot with credit because it will pay about the same as I was making before and the CC companies are just now getting to a point of threatening to write things off as bad debt. I think if I can talk to them before they actually do that, and start making payments, it would help turn things around. This is just going by what all these places told me when I thought I was going to HI. I think I can get them all to wait until mid next week so I can find out about this other jjob. It would be ideal as far as giving me opportunity to catch my breath and hopefully, sell the house by the end of the summer. Surely difficult child can make it until then.

Famous last words, right?

 

[ML]

A fresh start in a new neighborhood might work. But really, the problem with locational fixes that I discovered over the years is that wherever I went, there I was! Ha. Kidding. You'll know what to do when the time approaches and the opportunities are revealed. Hugs, ML

 

[klmno]

True, ML. A geographical change sometimes is just the answer- other times it's only prolonging having to deal with the real world. That has run through the back of mind, too.

 

[timer lady]

I have to say, K, that my psychiatrist has always recommended against this - a parent cannot disrupt their entire life because a difficult child is struggling. Rather, as a life skill a difficult child must learn to deal in the world he is in.

The reality is that if difficult child hasn't learned how to cope, the problem will follow to the next neighborhood & the one after that.

Your job is to supply a roof over his head - you have time & money into the home you're in & in this market I wouldn't try to sell a house if I didn't my hand wasn't forced. difficult child is not that far from 18 when he can move himself.

It's now time to start planning for you. difficult child knows (doesn't maybe use but knows) the skills needed to do what is necessary - be it in school, in the community, etc. Now he has to put in practice what he's learned. He also knows right from wrong (or that is my understanding).

Just my humble 2 cents on the subject.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, TL...and everyone else. I'm left thinking there isn't necessarily a clear, right answer to this one. Except that if I'm left with a choice of difficult child and I living in a homeless shelter away from here or working and staying here, we'll be staying here. He's never really had things too bad and doesn't realize how hard things can get. Sometimes we have no choice and he'll just have to deal with it if that happens, but I wouldn't choose that given an option just because he thinks he wants something. I definitely agree- the first priority (other than safety) is providing for him. Needs have to be met before we think about what we want.

 

[DammitJanet]

K...I used to think "oh I wish I could just get Cory out of this place and then he wouldnt be like he is." Problem is, I think he would have been the same no matter where we went. I have three kids and two of them didnt do what he did. Same parents, same influences, same area. Heck, Jamie and Cory had the same exact set of friends.

Difference was Cory was Cory. We couldnt move away from him!

Now from what I understand about where you are, I think you can apply to have him go to a different HS than his neighborhood school. That might be the way to go. Maybe he would do best at a specific type school.

 

[Suz]

KLMNO, Rob begged us for a second chance so we sold our home and moved to a different school district when he was in 5th grade.

It did *squat*.

He still didn't have any friends and he was still miserable and he still got into trouble.

"You take yourself with you" was my mantra to him for the next few years when he continued to blame everyone else for his unhappiness and trouble and failures. And it only got worse from there.

We learned the hard way.

Suz

 

[klmno]

thank you, Ladies! difficult child just called- 3 times LOL! In fairness, we only get 10 mins per call and some of that is eaten up with a recording about being incarcerated and phone calls monitored.

Anyway, he's feeling a little better about things. He said his concern was how people get labeled and somewhat forced out of certain cliques early on and if they stay in the same sd, that follows them all the way thru. He said he could see how before when he felt outcast, then he latched onto easier, albeit less than desirable "friends" and he thought he would have a better chance fitting in if he started someplace new rather than coming back into a situation where he had a label on him already. I agree to a certain extent and let him know I understood. Really, I was happiest that this shows an honest effort to plan to stay out of trouble and do his best. And I was glad he talked so openly to me about it all.

I deleted what I originally wrote- it was too identifying.