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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 622840" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Really?!? Are we here again? </p><p></p><p>Okay, one more time: I'm not judging anyone for their decisions for themselves. I do not have competence for that. I also totally agree that in some situations detaching (however the person defines that) is the only way to save yourself or bring peace to rest of the family. I just don't believe it does much good to person one is detaching from, or in some cases it does and in some cases it harms them more.</p><p></p><p>I will (again, maybe fifth time ) answer these (basicly) same questions:</p><p></p><p>* If my adult son, who is much bigger and stronger than I am, would cause me serious physical harm or danger, I would try to save myself any way possible. I wouldn't let myself be alone with him etc. I would probably still want to meet him in safe place if possible, though. However I would keep a distance solely for my benefit and my safety, not to teach him anything or to let him hit any rock bottoms. </p><p></p><p>* Stealing is hurtful. Mine didn't steal from me so much that it would had financially hurt me, but it hurt otherwise. If he were to continue stealing from me, I would try not to let him steal me blind, but I wouldn't necessarily 'detach' from him, just try to make it impossible for him to get to anything too valuable. Though I did it already before and that was one of the reasons why our financial losses from his stealing were not more than a grand if even that (of course letting him out of home cost us more, but that is different thing.) But then again, I try to make sure no one can steal too much from me, not even husband (who doesn't have a habit of stealing, but still making sure I'm in control of my finances is something I make sure I do.)</p><p></p><p>* Cussing at me using female body parts I mostly ignore. Though he doesn't do that so often nowadays because he knows it doesn't get a raise from me. And when gets pushed too much into the corner and really lashes out, he is much more hurtful than just cussing or using naughty words. I tend to avoid pushing him into the corners that much. Does no one any good.</p><p></p><p>* I think he hasn't actually spit on me in quite some time, he outgrew it quite a long time ago. I would be worried if he regressed like that. And let's face it, he doesn't tend to be that confrontational. He acts out behind your back. So slashed tires in your car or your favourite skirt cut with scissors or your hard drive wiped clean or something you value getting 'accidentally' broken is much more like him than actually being confrontational in your face (though none of that has happened in couple years either, just few accidents or 'accidents' with things that are important to me or 'forgetting' this or that which has caused me lots of trouble.)</p><p></p><p>* Continuously doing illegal activities. Well he isn't doing that so much at least right now to my knowledge. This of course would depend from the actions. Some I would feel need to report, some I would just keep myself out from.</p><p></p><p>There are reasons that would make me take some distance to my kids and I would be more than ready to protect myself. You can call it detaching or you can call it protecting yourself or whatever. I can totally see myself doing it in some cases and would advice others to do so. I just simply don't see what it has to do with this 'enabling' and why people seem to consider it is something they do for the person they are protecting themselves from and not for themselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 622840, member: 14557"] Really?!? Are we here again? Okay, one more time: I'm not judging anyone for their decisions for themselves. I do not have competence for that. I also totally agree that in some situations detaching (however the person defines that) is the only way to save yourself or bring peace to rest of the family. I just don't believe it does much good to person one is detaching from, or in some cases it does and in some cases it harms them more. I will (again, maybe fifth time ) answer these (basicly) same questions: * If my adult son, who is much bigger and stronger than I am, would cause me serious physical harm or danger, I would try to save myself any way possible. I wouldn't let myself be alone with him etc. I would probably still want to meet him in safe place if possible, though. However I would keep a distance solely for my benefit and my safety, not to teach him anything or to let him hit any rock bottoms. * Stealing is hurtful. Mine didn't steal from me so much that it would had financially hurt me, but it hurt otherwise. If he were to continue stealing from me, I would try not to let him steal me blind, but I wouldn't necessarily 'detach' from him, just try to make it impossible for him to get to anything too valuable. Though I did it already before and that was one of the reasons why our financial losses from his stealing were not more than a grand if even that (of course letting him out of home cost us more, but that is different thing.) But then again, I try to make sure no one can steal too much from me, not even husband (who doesn't have a habit of stealing, but still making sure I'm in control of my finances is something I make sure I do.) * Cussing at me using female body parts I mostly ignore. Though he doesn't do that so often nowadays because he knows it doesn't get a raise from me. And when gets pushed too much into the corner and really lashes out, he is much more hurtful than just cussing or using naughty words. I tend to avoid pushing him into the corners that much. Does no one any good. * I think he hasn't actually spit on me in quite some time, he outgrew it quite a long time ago. I would be worried if he regressed like that. And let's face it, he doesn't tend to be that confrontational. He acts out behind your back. So slashed tires in your car or your favourite skirt cut with scissors or your hard drive wiped clean or something you value getting 'accidentally' broken is much more like him than actually being confrontational in your face (though none of that has happened in couple years either, just few accidents or 'accidents' with things that are important to me or 'forgetting' this or that which has caused me lots of trouble.) * Continuously doing illegal activities. Well he isn't doing that so much at least right now to my knowledge. This of course would depend from the actions. Some I would feel need to report, some I would just keep myself out from. There are reasons that would make me take some distance to my kids and I would be more than ready to protect myself. You can call it detaching or you can call it protecting yourself or whatever. I can totally see myself doing it in some cases and would advice others to do so. I just simply don't see what it has to do with this 'enabling' and why people seem to consider it is something they do for the person they are protecting themselves from and not for themselves. [/QUOTE]
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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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