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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 622842" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>OK So I think I probably have missed some past discussions about this topic since I have been hanging out at SA and not here. However this discussion is exactly why we need to be clear what we mean by enabling or detachment etc. </p><p></p><p>It means different things to different people. I dont think detachment necessarily means creating distance or turning your back on someone. And in general I think detachment is not only good for the person detaching but is good for the person being detached from. The reason being is that it is setting good and healthier boundaries, it is realizing that you cannot control anothers actions, it is showing the other person you will not accept their abuse.</p><p></p><p>So I disagree that detachment is not necessarily good for the person being detached from.</p><p></p><p>Now in the process of detaching other things may happen that may not be good for the other person. For example I am guessing that my son being homeless or in jail was not good for him. I dont think either of those things helped him, and they may have made things worse. To be honest I dont completely know because there is a lot I dont know. But my son was not homeless because I developed detachment, he was homeless because of choices he made (ie leaving a program he was in and choosing to hitchhike to Denver where pot was legal)!</p><p></p><p>I cant imagine that my getting him a hotel room would have helped him in any way.</p><p></p><p>I guess my issue with the terminology is that when one person says that tough love is not good, or detachment is not good for some reason I want to scream and say just like MWM is saying well what would you do in my position.... because really I have done everything possible to help my son.... and bottom line is if he wont help himself then I cant help him.</p><p></p><p>Those statements feel like judgement even if they are not intended that way... and ultimately I think part of the problem is in the very blurry definitions.</p><p></p><p>I read some things from someone who didnt like the "tough love" approach... but they had the experience of someone telling him he should have no contact with his son until his son was clean and sober for a year and anything else was enabling!! Well gosh that sounds crazy to me, I would never do that and that does not feel like tough love to me at all... that is something else.</p><p></p><p>I think ultimately it is about having healthy boundaries... and when you are dealing with substance abuse or mental illness it can be very hard to figure out what good healthy boundaries are. And of course they differ from situation to situation.</p><p></p><p>TL</p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 622842, member: 15801"] OK So I think I probably have missed some past discussions about this topic since I have been hanging out at SA and not here. However this discussion is exactly why we need to be clear what we mean by enabling or detachment etc. It means different things to different people. I dont think detachment necessarily means creating distance or turning your back on someone. And in general I think detachment is not only good for the person detaching but is good for the person being detached from. The reason being is that it is setting good and healthier boundaries, it is realizing that you cannot control anothers actions, it is showing the other person you will not accept their abuse. So I disagree that detachment is not necessarily good for the person being detached from. Now in the process of detaching other things may happen that may not be good for the other person. For example I am guessing that my son being homeless or in jail was not good for him. I dont think either of those things helped him, and they may have made things worse. To be honest I dont completely know because there is a lot I dont know. But my son was not homeless because I developed detachment, he was homeless because of choices he made (ie leaving a program he was in and choosing to hitchhike to Denver where pot was legal)! I cant imagine that my getting him a hotel room would have helped him in any way. I guess my issue with the terminology is that when one person says that tough love is not good, or detachment is not good for some reason I want to scream and say just like MWM is saying well what would you do in my position.... because really I have done everything possible to help my son.... and bottom line is if he wont help himself then I cant help him. Those statements feel like judgement even if they are not intended that way... and ultimately I think part of the problem is in the very blurry definitions. I read some things from someone who didnt like the "tough love" approach... but they had the experience of someone telling him he should have no contact with his son until his son was clean and sober for a year and anything else was enabling!! Well gosh that sounds crazy to me, I would never do that and that does not feel like tough love to me at all... that is something else. I think ultimately it is about having healthy boundaries... and when you are dealing with substance abuse or mental illness it can be very hard to figure out what good healthy boundaries are. And of course they differ from situation to situation. TL Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app [/QUOTE]
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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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