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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622873" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think the definitions are really rather unimportant. They are starting points so that we (one another) know sort of what the other person is talking about. In our journey, what words we use are not as important as what we do. Did I detach from Daughter when she was heavily into drugs? Yes and no. I did make her leave. I stopped the money train, but that had happened long ago, when I first found out about the drugs. I was very relieved in secret that her brother S. (not 36) reluctantly offered to let her live in his basement in another state, where she could get away from her "friends" who kept pushing her to keep using drugs and selling them. </p><p></p><p>In Daughter's case what is called detachment worked really well. She had nothing to do at her brother's house and had hours to sit around and think. He was such a law abiding rule follower that she knew one wrong move and he'd throw her out and in Daughter's case she decided she did not want to be homeless so she followed his rules. She walked to and from work. She did chores. She paid rent. She detoxed on her own in the basement. She has been straight and sober for ten years now. She has told me that she never would have been able to have gotten clean if she hadn't left the state and had alone time, although it was painful. So in Daughter's opinion, what is called detachment TO ME worked well, at least if you ask Daughter. </p><p></p><p>I never stopped talking to her. I just stopped giving her the things that you give to a minor child and she was smart and cared enough about herself to use her own tools to change her life and, trust me, she is very grateful for the life she now has. She has been able, since then, to get help for and work out her being sexually attacked. We have talked about that often. She did not let that destroy her. She is a strong young lady. And very bright. And full of insight. All these things helped her.</p><p></p><p>Not all difficult children have these tools in their DNA. 36 does not. So what I call detachment (in reality I probably speak to him more than I do any of my other kids put together as he is so needy), did not work well for him. But lemme tellya, it worked very well for the rest of our family. Since I talk to him a lot (until he starts swearing or cussing me, which is a boundary I have placed), I do broach him getting help, maybe even at a free clinic. He usually screams, swears and yells about having no money (not true...he just bought himself a new house and makes good money). He chooses to spend it on material goods rather than helping himself. I cared once desperately. I no longer am emotionally invested in whether or not he goes to therapy. It is good for ME that I no longer give a fleep about that. He is a 36 year old man. By his age I had three kids, no parental support, and was divorced and taking care of my kids on my own and not screaming, swearing or abusing my own parents who were far less kind to me than I was to 36. There comes a time when you have to give it over to your higher power...or, if you don't have one, just let go. My higher power though has helped me a lot. I find it helpful that I am far from an atheist...maybe there is a difference as to how you feel if you are. I feel like God is always with 36 so he is never alone. </p><p></p><p>To me, detachment and no longer enabling is for the worn out, normally later-in-life parent who can't do it anymore. In a healthy family, kids start to sort of worry about their parents when they reach their 50's and 60's. I know I get annoying "be carefuls" from sweet, sweet Julie and even Sonic and Jumper. Usually the middle age children start to want to take care of the older parents. Julie will say, "Don't take any silly chances, Mom. I want you around to dance at Kaili's wedding!" That is how the cycle often goes. And I am still fit and capable!!!!</p><p></p><p>difficult children often do not change. They can be the way they have always been all their lives. They can be 50 themselves and living with 80 year old widowed mom and still be abusing her and insisting on money and a mother who feels it is her duty to care for her "child" forever may do it. I don't want that to be me. I enjoy my life and challenges don't stop me from having fun, good times. You all know my life bringing up my children was FULL of challenges, but the healthy ones grew closer and love to pieces. </p><p></p><p>To me detachment means 36 and his continuous string of dramas, in which he often threatens suicide, is not going to rule my life. I do what I can. I call 911. Then once I get off the phone, I am able to move on with the good things in my life. Selfish? I would have thought so when I was thirty. Maybe forty. But I think of it as self-preservation now. There is nothing I can do to save 36 from himself. So I listen to him, unless he crosses one of my boundaries, and then I say a prayer when I hang up and ask God to watch him for me. But I am actually in a very good place in my life and I fought very hard to get here. Nobody is going to eat up the rest of my life. </p><p>I am done chasing after endings that I can't control.</p><p></p><p>Well, off to work <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I'm on an every other week schedule, but love the job. Life is good <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622873, member: 1550"] I think the definitions are really rather unimportant. They are starting points so that we (one another) know sort of what the other person is talking about. In our journey, what words we use are not as important as what we do. Did I detach from Daughter when she was heavily into drugs? Yes and no. I did make her leave. I stopped the money train, but that had happened long ago, when I first found out about the drugs. I was very relieved in secret that her brother S. (not 36) reluctantly offered to let her live in his basement in another state, where she could get away from her "friends" who kept pushing her to keep using drugs and selling them. In Daughter's case what is called detachment worked really well. She had nothing to do at her brother's house and had hours to sit around and think. He was such a law abiding rule follower that she knew one wrong move and he'd throw her out and in Daughter's case she decided she did not want to be homeless so she followed his rules. She walked to and from work. She did chores. She paid rent. She detoxed on her own in the basement. She has been straight and sober for ten years now. She has told me that she never would have been able to have gotten clean if she hadn't left the state and had alone time, although it was painful. So in Daughter's opinion, what is called detachment TO ME worked well, at least if you ask Daughter. I never stopped talking to her. I just stopped giving her the things that you give to a minor child and she was smart and cared enough about herself to use her own tools to change her life and, trust me, she is very grateful for the life she now has. She has been able, since then, to get help for and work out her being sexually attacked. We have talked about that often. She did not let that destroy her. She is a strong young lady. And very bright. And full of insight. All these things helped her. Not all difficult children have these tools in their DNA. 36 does not. So what I call detachment (in reality I probably speak to him more than I do any of my other kids put together as he is so needy), did not work well for him. But lemme tellya, it worked very well for the rest of our family. Since I talk to him a lot (until he starts swearing or cussing me, which is a boundary I have placed), I do broach him getting help, maybe even at a free clinic. He usually screams, swears and yells about having no money (not true...he just bought himself a new house and makes good money). He chooses to spend it on material goods rather than helping himself. I cared once desperately. I no longer am emotionally invested in whether or not he goes to therapy. It is good for ME that I no longer give a fleep about that. He is a 36 year old man. By his age I had three kids, no parental support, and was divorced and taking care of my kids on my own and not screaming, swearing or abusing my own parents who were far less kind to me than I was to 36. There comes a time when you have to give it over to your higher power...or, if you don't have one, just let go. My higher power though has helped me a lot. I find it helpful that I am far from an atheist...maybe there is a difference as to how you feel if you are. I feel like God is always with 36 so he is never alone. To me, detachment and no longer enabling is for the worn out, normally later-in-life parent who can't do it anymore. In a healthy family, kids start to sort of worry about their parents when they reach their 50's and 60's. I know I get annoying "be carefuls" from sweet, sweet Julie and even Sonic and Jumper. Usually the middle age children start to want to take care of the older parents. Julie will say, "Don't take any silly chances, Mom. I want you around to dance at Kaili's wedding!" That is how the cycle often goes. And I am still fit and capable!!!! difficult children often do not change. They can be the way they have always been all their lives. They can be 50 themselves and living with 80 year old widowed mom and still be abusing her and insisting on money and a mother who feels it is her duty to care for her "child" forever may do it. I don't want that to be me. I enjoy my life and challenges don't stop me from having fun, good times. You all know my life bringing up my children was FULL of challenges, but the healthy ones grew closer and love to pieces. To me detachment means 36 and his continuous string of dramas, in which he often threatens suicide, is not going to rule my life. I do what I can. I call 911. Then once I get off the phone, I am able to move on with the good things in my life. Selfish? I would have thought so when I was thirty. Maybe forty. But I think of it as self-preservation now. There is nothing I can do to save 36 from himself. So I listen to him, unless he crosses one of my boundaries, and then I say a prayer when I hang up and ask God to watch him for me. But I am actually in a very good place in my life and I fought very hard to get here. Nobody is going to eat up the rest of my life. I am done chasing after endings that I can't control. Well, off to work :) I'm on an every other week schedule, but love the job. Life is good :) [/QUOTE]
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What is tough love, detachment, enabling etc?
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