Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is wrong with me?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 677979" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Okie girl, I've been out of town for a week and am now back to reality and just catching up with your post here...I think you are getting lots of good thinking and support. Just wanted to add in as well...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is very true. I think this actually is a good day---good for them and good for us---when we are so sick and tired that we have to stop. We just have to. We can't do it anymore. It doesn't mean we don't love them...that continues on...but we can't be involved with them anymore. We are done. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Tanya said it best: it's a smart thing to do. I don't know how smart I was when I finally got done with Difficult Child...I just couldn't do it anymore. Later I started to see that it was smart to stop. Smart for both of us. I love the story here about the man who finally had enough time in jail to think about his life and he got out and went in a completely new direction.</p><p></p><p>Anybody, at anytime, can decide to change...and can start walking down a new road. Your son can. And you can. That is what it takes to take charge of our own lives (and them, their own lives). Can you see the parallels in you and him? We are really on our own journeys---we Warrior Moms and our grown DCs----but those journeys are strangely parallel. We keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...and so do they. It's when we ALL stop...and turn...and go in a new direction...that things start to change. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please ponder your own statement here. He is 44 years old. It is way, way, way past time for him to stand on his own two feet. Not calling Mommy anymore. Not bringing his problems to you. He must deal with the choices he makes in his own life. </p><p></p><p>So...if that is true...what is our role? As mothers? I believe this, our role is to love them (which may mean from afar with no communication for a long time) and to encourage them. </p><p></p><p>If your son is an addict, then there is not one single thing you can do to help him. In fact, I believe our drug-addicted adult children's help will come from anybody but us. I found that to be true with my son, and realizing that...and really claiming that knowledge...helped me let go and detach. I could not and was not going to be the one to save him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, we do. We have to rebuild our own self-esteem. Okie girl, I call this the 51% rule and the 49% rule. We have to be 51%---the most important person in our own lives...Ourselves. Not anybody else. This is completely counter-cultural in terms of women and mothers. Women and mothers always put everybody else first, right? No more. That's then, and this is NOW. It's time for us to be #1. That is not a selfish thing, but most of us were taught that putting ourselves first is selfish. Not. It's time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is nothing wrong with you. You are tired and beat down. Of course you are! It's time to start identifying what you want and need in your life. What do you like? What do you want? What do you need? Spend time and energy making that happen, the big and little things. Turn the bright light that you have been shining on him for 44 years onto yourself. It's your time now.</p><p></p><p>He will have to figure things out. Give him the time and space to do that. You will know if he does change, believe me. You will see it and hear it and it will slap you in the face.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, work on yourself through this forum, Al-Anon meetings, reading books, meditating/praying, resting, spending time with your husband...big and little things...changing yourself. It takes time and it takes work for us to change and reclaim our own lives and find peace. Most of us just want peace, and once we start to taste peace, we want more and more of it.</p><p></p><p>Please keep that Feb. 1 appointment. That time is for YOU. keep on moving forward one day at a time, a little progress at a time. We're here for you. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 677979, member: 17542"] Hi Okie girl, I've been out of town for a week and am now back to reality and just catching up with your post here...I think you are getting lots of good thinking and support. Just wanted to add in as well... I think this is very true. I think this actually is a good day---good for them and good for us---when we are so sick and tired that we have to stop. We just have to. We can't do it anymore. It doesn't mean we don't love them...that continues on...but we can't be involved with them anymore. We are done. Tanya said it best: it's a smart thing to do. I don't know how smart I was when I finally got done with Difficult Child...I just couldn't do it anymore. Later I started to see that it was smart to stop. Smart for both of us. I love the story here about the man who finally had enough time in jail to think about his life and he got out and went in a completely new direction. Anybody, at anytime, can decide to change...and can start walking down a new road. Your son can. And you can. That is what it takes to take charge of our own lives (and them, their own lives). Can you see the parallels in you and him? We are really on our own journeys---we Warrior Moms and our grown DCs----but those journeys are strangely parallel. We keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...and so do they. It's when we ALL stop...and turn...and go in a new direction...that things start to change. Please ponder your own statement here. He is 44 years old. It is way, way, way past time for him to stand on his own two feet. Not calling Mommy anymore. Not bringing his problems to you. He must deal with the choices he makes in his own life. So...if that is true...what is our role? As mothers? I believe this, our role is to love them (which may mean from afar with no communication for a long time) and to encourage them. If your son is an addict, then there is not one single thing you can do to help him. In fact, I believe our drug-addicted adult children's help will come from anybody but us. I found that to be true with my son, and realizing that...and really claiming that knowledge...helped me let go and detach. I could not and was not going to be the one to save him. Yes, we do. We have to rebuild our own self-esteem. Okie girl, I call this the 51% rule and the 49% rule. We have to be 51%---the most important person in our own lives...Ourselves. Not anybody else. This is completely counter-cultural in terms of women and mothers. Women and mothers always put everybody else first, right? No more. That's then, and this is NOW. It's time for us to be #1. That is not a selfish thing, but most of us were taught that putting ourselves first is selfish. Not. It's time. There is nothing wrong with you. You are tired and beat down. Of course you are! It's time to start identifying what you want and need in your life. What do you like? What do you want? What do you need? Spend time and energy making that happen, the big and little things. Turn the bright light that you have been shining on him for 44 years onto yourself. It's your time now. He will have to figure things out. Give him the time and space to do that. You will know if he does change, believe me. You will see it and hear it and it will slap you in the face. In the meantime, work on yourself through this forum, Al-Anon meetings, reading books, meditating/praying, resting, spending time with your husband...big and little things...changing yourself. It takes time and it takes work for us to change and reclaim our own lives and find peace. Most of us just want peace, and once we start to taste peace, we want more and more of it. Please keep that Feb. 1 appointment. That time is for YOU. keep on moving forward one day at a time, a little progress at a time. We're here for you. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
What is wrong with me?
Top