What is your "true north"?

[Nomad]

Copa....related to your post above, when my father died, I was surprised how shook up I was for several months. For me, personally, I was comfortable with my choices with reference to how I helped him (limited with boundaries) as he approached death and then passed away. But, when he actually died, it came crashing down on me that this meant there would be no apologies ever for his abuses, no death bed apologies or awareness, no even remote acknowledgement from him that he wished he had done better...no nothing. In fact, one day he blurted out that he always loved me (I almost fainted) and literally seconds later he was angry, mean, ugly and vindictive. It was a different kind of grief than when my mother died. Grief that I never had a normal father, grief for all that I never acknowledged had to have caused me much damage and grief that my father never would apologize. Well, it took time, but I eventually came to terms with it. And similarly with my difficult child, I can't change her no matter how much I wish it were different. No matter how much it should be different. No matter how illogical. No matter how unfair. With my difficult child, I had to get down on my knees and ask my Higher Power to take this "burden" away. I learned that from AA...even though I'm not much of a drinker at all. I'm not even particularly religious. But, I realized that for one, the pain was too great for me to handle alone and secondly, in order for me to go forward and to be happy and strong, I HAD to let it go.

 

[nerfherder]

This is a good thread to stop in and say "Hi."

A year ago I was at the end of my rope, and I wonder if that's why I've been having mild panic attacks and taking downturns so hard.

"True North" is wherever I face when I face forward. My avatar image is that of Set, who in later Egyptian dynasties and the Egypto-Grecian dynasties was seen as the dark face of the binary good/evil split that inspired, or was inspired by, the later era Messianic cults of Judaism, or the early Christians. Back to his origins, Set is the one who defeats stasis, expands boundaries, is the Neter of the oasis, taught archery to the early human tribes, invented beer, and nightly slays Apep (also called Apophis) that would devour the bark of Re and bring chaos.

Facing forward means never accepting that I am as good as I'm going to be, that somehow I'll always make it one more step forward. It means that I may be having an incredible downer of a week, my stress level triggers me to twitch everytime I open my door - did I forget to set Kiddo's door alarm? Oh right, she moved out back in November. I don't twitch when the school busses go by anymore.

She's doing really well, by the way - we mostly stay in touch via Nabi's slightly buggy but otherwise awesome sheltered chat function (DammitJanet - if you still use a Nabi with your granddaughter and you have an Android phone or iPhone, and you want to be able to use the same function, look for "Nabigator" on your Apple or Google Play Store and download it - it's free.)

Still bad emotional habits; I'm working on those with, of all things, nicotine patches. I've never used tobacco in any form in my life, but had to try something because none of the useful Jedi Mind Tricks were helping me reprogram out the voice that tells me I'm a failure. And, curiously, it works. It smooths out my mood, improves focus, and makes me really intolerant to high levels of sweets so I'm less likely to use that kind of bingeing to self-sooth.

This week's been rough. This whole MONTH's been rough. We lost a bunch of assorted poultry in the worst of the heat wave, then a week after that I started losing more chickens to one or two stray cats who, probably because of the long-term drought, plus the after effects of the heat wave, couldn't find their usual diet of small rodents and such. I'm dealing with that now, plus I sold two of our piglets today - and made new friends who are just starting out raising pigs for food. It sounds silly, but that bumped my mood up pretty well. Not just the money, but helping someone else get started.

There's another way to test your (well, my) True North - can it help us help others without being proselytes for one system or another? One of my teachers in my religious work states (I am paraphrasing) "Use what you learn here, but make it so that this affiliation is the least interesting thing about you."

I may be rambling a bit, but the idea of one's "True North" is fascinating. It's possible to get so scattered by so many of the different voices out there saying "I have an answer for you!" "No, I do!" "No, look at me! I know how you can fix yourself in 30 days!" it's like you're lost in the Bermuda Triangle, right?

If True North is your path, and you feel you're as far away from it as you can possibly get, remember: At the South Pole, all directions point North.

 

[Copabanana]

I found this online: (sorry, I should have noted the source)
I’ve come up with this list of 30 questions to help you find your True North. Don’t answer them all at once. Take a day to carefully think each one through. Remember, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.

1. What do you want your legacy to be? 10, 20, 50 years from now, what will your name mean?
2. What one word do you want people to use to describe you? What do you think they’d currently use?
3. If money was no object, how would you spend your time? What would your day look like?
4. Fill in the blank: My life is a quest for _______. What motivates you? Money? Love? Acceptance?
5. If you were to donate everything you have to a cause or charity, which would it be?
6. What is your biggest regret? If you could go back and have a ‘redo,’ what would you change?
7. When was the last time you told a lie? Why? What would have happened if you had told the truth?
8. If you accomplish one thing by the end of the year, what would make the biggest impact on your happiness?
9. What do you think is the meaning of life? Do you live your life accordingly?
10. What would others say is your biggest asset? What would they say is your biggest flaw? Be honest.
11. What did you like to do when you were 10 years old? When was the last time you did that activity?
12. What do you love most about your current job? What do you wish you could do more of?
13. What do you think you were put on this earth to learn? What were you put here to teach?
14. What keeps you awake at night when you should be sleeping? What gets you out of bed in the mornings?
15. List your core values. Use your company’s mission statement to list its core values. Do they match up?
16. What skills do people frequently compliment you on? These may not be what you think you’re best at.
17. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?
18. What do you not want others to know about you? Use your answer to find and conquer insecurities.
19. List the five people you interact with most frequently (not necessarily friends). How is each helping you to reach your goals (or not)?
20. If yourself from ten years ago met you today, would he/she be impressed with where you’ve gotten? Why or why not?
21. What bugs you? If it makes you mad, you’re passionate about it! Can you make your anger productive?
22. Fast-forward ten or twenty years. What is the one thing that, if you never pursued, you’d always regret?
23. When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? You have to be vulnerable to find your purpose.
24. Who or what energizes you? What makes you feel depleted? Do you thrive on chaos, or prefer order?
25. Who do you look up to? Who are your mentors, both those you know personally and those who inspire you from afar?
26. Think about your talents, passions, and values. How can you use them to serve and contribute to society?
27. Why do you want to find your purpose? Write the answer down and put it somewhere you can see it. The journey isn’t always easy.
28. What in your life is ‘on hold’? Until you lose weight, until you retire, etc. What are you waiting for?
29. What price would you take to give up on your dreams? What price would you be willing to pay to achieve them?
30. Now that you’ve answered these questions, what is your action plan? What steps will you take today?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am reading The Road to Character, by David Brooks.

This is the first paragraph:

"Recently I've been thinking about the differences between the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues. The resume virtues are the ones you list on your resume, the skills you bring to the job market and that contribute to external success. The eulogy virtues are deeper. They're the virtues that get talked about at your funeral, the ones that exist at the core of your being ~ whether you are kind, brave, honest or faithful; what kind of relationships you formed."

Also in the introduction:

"I wrote this book not sure I could follow the road to character, but I wanted at least to know what the road looks like and how other people have trodden it."

In a way, the book is an exploration of values clarification and purpose; it seems to be addressing the same questions we are addressing here, on COM's True North thread.

Cedar

 

[Natsom]

This thread is amazing. I feel like I stumbled on a miracle. The words of so many of you resonate with me.

I'll post more soon. I'm a little overwhelmed today.

Thank you

 

[Tanya M]

If True North is your path, and you feel you're as far away from it as you can possibly get, remember: At the South Pole, all directions point North.

I really like this statement, it reminds us that there is always hope, there's always a direction we can turn to get our lives back on track.

We are all at different levels on this journey called life as we search for our "True North". I have survived some very difficult things in my life; sexual abuse by my bio-father and his death when I was 13, an emotionally abusive ex, cancer, 4 major surgeries, my one and only child becoming a D C and all that goes with that, the death of my mother, the death of my step-dad (who was my rock), leaving a job of 20 years that I loved to move across country to care for my in-laws, having to start over.......... From all of this I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. There were times I didn't think I would make it, I was at the "South Pole" but I did, I found my way "North". I know that no matter what life throws at me I will be ok. I have learned not to project out negative statements as they will bear negative fruit, instead I hold firm in my attitude of gratitude. How "we are" has a lot to do with how we think, how we process our thoughts.
I am at the mid-point in my life and I don't know how many more days I will have so I choose to live my days to the fullest, I choose to be happy. This does not mean that I won't have times when I will feel deep sorrow. We cannot get through life without being affected by what happens but we get to choose how we will deal with it.
When my bio-father died suddenly at 50 I was 13. I never had the chance to tell him face to face how much he hurt me, I never got the chance to ask him why, I never knew if he was sorry for what he had done to me.
For many years I carried the weight of what he done, I just couldn't "get over it". What I finally learned from this is when bad things happen to us there is no "getting over it" but you do get through it. I was holding onto the pain, trying to make sense of it but there is no making sense of it. My bio-father had been dead many years and I was still allowing him to hold my emotions hostage. I had to let go, I was never going to get answers to my questions.
When my mother died I was 35 and I honestly did not think I could bear the pain. From her death I learned to embrace the pain as it's a testimony to the love I have for her and while she is physically gone, the love with always be with me.
We learn to develop skills that help us cope. As COM has coined the term "Toolbox" on this site, we take those skills we learn and we keep them in our toolbox.
I truly feel I am at my "True North" at this point in my life yet I do realize that "life happens" and there may be detours down the road and that's ok, I have my "toolbox" full of life lessons to help guide me.

 

[Copabanana]

I know that no matter what life throws at me I will be ok.

Tanya, I loved so your post.

This is what I take from it:

I will choose to be happy, and accept that I will sometimes be sad. I will accept loss but I will define it as testimony to my great love. I accept that I or somebody close to me may be vulnerable, ill or in some way be limited. I will do what I can do and accept that that is enough. I accept that there are unanticipated detours or obstacles in my life over which I have no control. I know I have the tools to handle them or whatever else may arise.

Thank you, Tanya

 

[Tanya M]

Thank you, Tanya

Copa, it truly warms my heart that you were touched by my post.

 

[Nomad]

LOVE the list of True North questions, Copa! Thank you!!!!
And Tanya, how awesome! I think when I got to that point, understanding that although not inviting hardship, but understanding that no matter,what comes into my life I'll be ok....well, that made ALL the difference in the world. Freedom, peace, strength. Awesome, beautiful, insightful, strong words. Thank you.