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What is your "true north"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661245" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My life purpose, is to love others, but from a position of psychic independence that I have never before had. Because unless I do this, I will never really be able to love others fully, if my happiness depends upon the serenity of somebody else. Other people deserve to decide their own moods. To insist they be happy for me is to love them less. </p><p></p><p>My make-up is to be somebody that sacrifices herself for others. Until recently I have never really known another way to be.</p><p></p><p>For a long time in my life I lived distant from my Mother. I thought I had created my own life. I did so incompletely. What I had, I had only if I was far from her. If I was close to her and she was distressed, I lost it all. I feel a real sadness now because of this. I loved my Mother, only learning how much too late. If I had known a way to love without sacrificing myself we could have had a relationship throughout our lives. Neither one of us knew how to be different. The same is now true with my son.</p><p></p><p>My true north is to become whole in myself. To be a mother and to love as an independent person. To make choices consciously and deliberately with respect to those I love, independent of the knee-jerk response to stop the distress of someone else.</p><p></p><p>The costs of continuing as I am are potentially grave. Particularly for my son.</p><p></p><p>If I died now, I would have lived a good enough life. But the thing is my son has too much control over my psyche. I think it weakens him. My son thinks he can govern with his feelings. His feelings have become the most powerful thing about him. Through his bad feelings, his moods, he dominates me. His depression, his anger...rather than competencies...he uses to manipulate others and to achieve ends. For myself and for my son, I want to change this.</p><p></p><p>My true north is gaining freedom for my spirit and of heart. To hold as important the listening to my own voice of sadness and of need, to value my own happiness and contentment equally to those I love.</p><p></p><p>If my son is sad, lost or unstable, I feel lost too. And I wake up feeling dread; that there is no good thing in life and there is nothing that will change this for me. Until he feels better.</p><p></p><p>When he feels better, I feel better. Until he does, I am as if dead to myself.</p><p></p><p>And I wait for a sleeping beauty kiss. That is what I call it lately.</p><p></p><p>In this way of living I am as if on life support. Dependent 100 percent upon the life support delivered by invisible tubes and machines, in the form of some signal that my son is doing better and is okay.</p><p></p><p>In this way of living, I have two options only:</p><p>--I tether myself to my son, providing for him in the ways he wants and feels he needs, and suffer with him.</p><p>--Or, I do not. I respond to my failure to sacrifice myself for my son by depriving myself completely of any possibility of living richly, completely, productively. I cut myself off from life. And I go to bed.</p><p></p><p>I had in my life what I thought was my path. I achieved beyond my own and others' expectations. I became productive and focused. I became self-confident and I banished a lot of self-doubt. I found a good man who loves me. I found talents and interests and meaning.</p><p></p><p>For sure, I want M in my life as long as we want each other. But what I have achieved so far in my life is not my true path.</p><p></p><p>I want to free myself, to no longer be conjoined to the feelings of others who I love.</p><p></p><p>I have learned in these past couple of years that while I distanced myself from my Mother nearly all of my adult life, I never separated from her.</p><p></p><p>My mother was a forceful, demanding and self-centered woman. I was a vulnerable, sensitive child who needed her. As a small child I learned that my life depended upon subordinating myself and my needs to hers.</p><p></p><p>My mother governed with her emotions. Her emotions controlled my life. I learned to live life in response to her emotions.</p><p></p><p>As she was dying I fell apart if she was angry. I felt it was my fault and believed the solution was in me, was my responsibility. I responded to her suffering by completely dedicating myself to her. I did the right thing for the wrong reason.</p><p></p><p>I have learned that the distance between us that I created for my whole adult life was nothing but that. It changed nothing except to remove me from her, so that I did not respond to triggers. Nothing in my psychic makeup had changed.</p><p></p><p>I am still the same as I was as a child. Utterly and completely connected to the emotions of another who calls the shots, whose feelings I allow to govern me.</p><p></p><p>Except that now it is my son whose voice triggers the self-sacrificial impulse in me.</p><p></p><p>My true north is this: To love others. And to function as an independent person. Independent of my son's suffering but not indifferent to it. To choose my responses to my son based good sense, not rote response that is pathological.</p><p></p><p>As I write this I see I keep typing the same thing over and over again, just different words to say the same thing. Any identity or autonomy I think I may have evaporates if I think that person I love the mostsuffers. First this was my Mother. Now it is my son.</p><p></p><p>For me detachment parenting will never work unless I address the reality that has governed my life since it began: If I feel the distress of somebody I love, I cannot feel OK, until I subordinate myself completely to saving them. Only complete self-sacrifice is the permitted response, the full dedication to the other of my energy, space and time.</p><p></p><p>I learned this at my mother's knee.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661245, member: 18958"] My life purpose, is to love others, but from a position of psychic independence that I have never before had. Because unless I do this, I will never really be able to love others fully, if my happiness depends upon the serenity of somebody else. Other people deserve to decide their own moods. To insist they be happy for me is to love them less. My make-up is to be somebody that sacrifices herself for others. Until recently I have never really known another way to be. For a long time in my life I lived distant from my Mother. I thought I had created my own life. I did so incompletely. What I had, I had only if I was far from her. If I was close to her and she was distressed, I lost it all. I feel a real sadness now because of this. I loved my Mother, only learning how much too late. If I had known a way to love without sacrificing myself we could have had a relationship throughout our lives. Neither one of us knew how to be different. The same is now true with my son. My true north is to become whole in myself. To be a mother and to love as an independent person. To make choices consciously and deliberately with respect to those I love, independent of the knee-jerk response to stop the distress of someone else. The costs of continuing as I am are potentially grave. Particularly for my son. If I died now, I would have lived a good enough life. But the thing is my son has too much control over my psyche. I think it weakens him. My son thinks he can govern with his feelings. His feelings have become the most powerful thing about him. Through his bad feelings, his moods, he dominates me. His depression, his anger...rather than competencies...he uses to manipulate others and to achieve ends. For myself and for my son, I want to change this. My true north is gaining freedom for my spirit and of heart. To hold as important the listening to my own voice of sadness and of need, to value my own happiness and contentment equally to those I love. If my son is sad, lost or unstable, I feel lost too. And I wake up feeling dread; that there is no good thing in life and there is nothing that will change this for me. Until he feels better. When he feels better, I feel better. Until he does, I am as if dead to myself. And I wait for a sleeping beauty kiss. That is what I call it lately. In this way of living I am as if on life support. Dependent 100 percent upon the life support delivered by invisible tubes and machines, in the form of some signal that my son is doing better and is okay. In this way of living, I have two options only: --I tether myself to my son, providing for him in the ways he wants and feels he needs, and suffer with him. --Or, I do not. I respond to my failure to sacrifice myself for my son by depriving myself completely of any possibility of living richly, completely, productively. I cut myself off from life. And I go to bed. I had in my life what I thought was my path. I achieved beyond my own and others' expectations. I became productive and focused. I became self-confident and I banished a lot of self-doubt. I found a good man who loves me. I found talents and interests and meaning. For sure, I want M in my life as long as we want each other. But what I have achieved so far in my life is not my true path. I want to free myself, to no longer be conjoined to the feelings of others who I love. I have learned in these past couple of years that while I distanced myself from my Mother nearly all of my adult life, I never separated from her. My mother was a forceful, demanding and self-centered woman. I was a vulnerable, sensitive child who needed her. As a small child I learned that my life depended upon subordinating myself and my needs to hers. My mother governed with her emotions. Her emotions controlled my life. I learned to live life in response to her emotions. As she was dying I fell apart if she was angry. I felt it was my fault and believed the solution was in me, was my responsibility. I responded to her suffering by completely dedicating myself to her. I did the right thing for the wrong reason. I have learned that the distance between us that I created for my whole adult life was nothing but that. It changed nothing except to remove me from her, so that I did not respond to triggers. Nothing in my psychic makeup had changed. I am still the same as I was as a child. Utterly and completely connected to the emotions of another who calls the shots, whose feelings I allow to govern me. Except that now it is my son whose voice triggers the self-sacrificial impulse in me. My true north is this: To love others. And to function as an independent person. Independent of my son's suffering but not indifferent to it. To choose my responses to my son based good sense, not rote response that is pathological. As I write this I see I keep typing the same thing over and over again, just different words to say the same thing. Any identity or autonomy I think I may have evaporates if I think that person I love the mostsuffers. First this was my Mother. Now it is my son. For me detachment parenting will never work unless I address the reality that has governed my life since it began: If I feel the distress of somebody I love, I cannot feel OK, until I subordinate myself completely to saving them. Only complete self-sacrifice is the permitted response, the full dedication to the other of my energy, space and time. I learned this at my mother's knee. [/QUOTE]
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