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What is your "true north"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661608" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This very much interests me. </p><p></p><p>I have been falling apart repeatedly for the past 2 and a half years, when I could not cope with my my mother's process of dying. And thereafter, when losing her meant I had to face that I had lost any chance of having her as the Mother that I had needed her to be. I felt at the time that I had lost everything that I had needed. And had not known it. That any sense I had of my life as lived well, had been a lie.</p><p></p><p>My grief almost destroyed me and I am still rebuilding myself. Perhaps it is more apt to say that the person I was in fact was destroyed.</p><p></p><p>Since those horrible times I have thought, erroneously, that I had left the breaking behind me, and I was finally better, fixed, and functional to be felled again. Back to bed. Back to broken. Again and again and again.</p><p></p><p>My son, suffering and flailing became another force that I could not withstand. Adding to the chorus of brokenness within me.</p><p></p><p>I have lived for almost 2 years barely functioning, compared to my normal way of living. </p><p></p><p>I judge myself very, very harshly. I feel sad and sometimes afraid that I will never again function as I had.</p><p></p><p>So if I consider this in the context of COM's post the kernel of the thing is to not compare. That comparing past and present, good or bad functioning. notions of self as broken or fixed, are not useful. Nor is in or out of bed. </p><p></p><p>Each of these is a trap. And I fall in. Or a test, that over and over I fail.</p><p></p><p>If I think about Recovering's words, the key, perhaps, is listening and paying attention. And soothing and caring and believing. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps the solution for me is in choosing different verbs.</p><p></p><p>No more judging, no more trying, no more doing or fearing.</p><p></p><p>Inviting into my life verbs like recovering, and becoming and honoring.</p><p></p><p>Turn this whole business on its' head. </p><p></p><p>I am in bed because I am recovering and honoring. I am listening and soothing and caring and believing. That is my work and I will do it as long as I need to and want to. </p><p></p><p>In any way I want. So There.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661608, member: 18958"] This very much interests me. I have been falling apart repeatedly for the past 2 and a half years, when I could not cope with my my mother's process of dying. And thereafter, when losing her meant I had to face that I had lost any chance of having her as the Mother that I had needed her to be. I felt at the time that I had lost everything that I had needed. And had not known it. That any sense I had of my life as lived well, had been a lie. My grief almost destroyed me and I am still rebuilding myself. Perhaps it is more apt to say that the person I was in fact was destroyed. Since those horrible times I have thought, erroneously, that I had left the breaking behind me, and I was finally better, fixed, and functional to be felled again. Back to bed. Back to broken. Again and again and again. My son, suffering and flailing became another force that I could not withstand. Adding to the chorus of brokenness within me. I have lived for almost 2 years barely functioning, compared to my normal way of living. I judge myself very, very harshly. I feel sad and sometimes afraid that I will never again function as I had. So if I consider this in the context of COM's post the kernel of the thing is to not compare. That comparing past and present, good or bad functioning. notions of self as broken or fixed, are not useful. Nor is in or out of bed. Each of these is a trap. And I fall in. Or a test, that over and over I fail. If I think about Recovering's words, the key, perhaps, is listening and paying attention. And soothing and caring and believing. Perhaps the solution for me is in choosing different verbs. No more judging, no more trying, no more doing or fearing. Inviting into my life verbs like recovering, and becoming and honoring. Turn this whole business on its' head. I am in bed because I am recovering and honoring. I am listening and soothing and caring and believing. That is my work and I will do it as long as I need to and want to. In any way I want. So There. [/QUOTE]
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What is your "true north"?
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