What kind of kid says he hopes you die?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Robinboots, Mar 8, 2010.

  1. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Common issue? I don't know...can't imagine. Or I should say "couldn't" until this morning.

    GFG17 showed up, startled me, and said he wanted to get some of his things. Still refused to give me his address, or say where he's staying. Wandered around the house, took the keys to his former car and went poking around in there. Asked for money. Of course. Called husband and badgered him about money/stuff from his car/etc.

    Fortunately, I was on the phone with my daughter when difficult child arrived, then his DJO called, and husband - who ended up coming home from work.

    difficult child was only here about 90 minutes - starting to be a pattern - and finally left.

    But not before telling husband that he hopes he dies from cancer before the hearing next week, and that he wished I'd die too.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahh, I've heard this before. That and "rot in that really hot place." It does sting, but honestly, I developed such thick skin over the years, after awhile it didn't feel much worse than "I hate you" (which I heard more often). My Oldest in particular could spew some pretty vile stuff when she was in one of her rages. I'm sorry you had to hear it, but I don't think it's all that uncommon from an angry difficult child, unfortunately, especially a teenager.
  3. unsure

    unsure New Member

    The same kind of kid that at 10 yr. old tells you you're worthless when you refuse to give him his way. I got stung with that one last week. And CrazyinVa is right, you're skin thickens with time, unfortunately.
    Kids don't think and say what they feel, but I keep telling myself that someday, just maybe, he'll realize and he'll be truly sorry for the hurt.

    I'm sorry he said that you to Robin. (hugs)
  4. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Thanks. I think! It was just so unexpected, although why, I really don't know.... Kids says stuff, yeah, I get that - like the first time a preschooler, ANY preschooler, says: "I HATE YOU!" Of course, they immediately glance around, as if to wonder whether or not you heard it, then often burst into tears and say "I didn't MEEEEEEEEEEEEAN it!!"

    I guess it got to me because it was so specific, ya know? And in spite of him accusing husband of abuse last year, it was husband's birthday that he marked on his calendar, and husband for whom he often wanted to cook a special dinner...that kind of stuff.
  5. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Thanks again! Yes, I've had the "hate you" and the "worthless". He also threw in "crappy parent" as well as "crappy housekeeper" - lol on him for that! I was cleaning one day when he started his routine and I was trying to keep going, as a distraction from his mouth, and he pointed out that I "missed a spot" while dusting. Gee, like having a spotless house is my main thing to have to deal with these days, right?
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mine used the I hate you's once in a bit but more often it was the We are ruining their lives. LOL. I told them then I was doing my job.

    I never heard they wished I was dead. Good thing too. They would have felt real guilty when I almost died last year. Now they worry so much about me they would never say that...lol.
  7. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Last May, husband had horrible back pain, nothing was relieving it. He made a doctor appointment, but it got so bad that afternoon that I took him to the ER. We fully expected them to say "kidney stone", but instead they found a tumor and admitted him for a few days for pain control. That was Thursday, and on Monday we met with the surgeon. A week later, husband had his kidney removed, diagnosis was positive for kidney cancer. There is no cure.

    He has, for the last almost year, had CT scans every 3 months and bone scans every 6. Last ones were still clear, so he gets to skip the 3-month and doesn't have to go in for more testing till August.

    April 2, last year, was when difficult child accused husband of abuse. June 11 was a court date, but husband had just had surgery on the 1st so we got a continuance. difficult child has never once asked about the cancer or the treatment or the testing. Nothing.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I started to post a similar response earlier but then deleted it. I was going to say that I remember saying hoorible things like this to my step-father- who I loved dearly. It's a typical teen thing. It'sworse when it's a difficult child. When I went back and re-read your original post, I thought my response sounded invalidating- clearly you had a difficult child situation. I'm sorry you had to go thru it- after thinking about it a while, it sounds like a typical teen anger/rebellion in the mouth of a difficult child. Try to ignore the statemnt and deal with the difficult child issue.
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Apparently, my daughter's life would be better if I just dropped dead. :winks:
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Most kids, at one time or another, in my experience. There's a line between saying it and doing something to promote it, though.
  11. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Yeah, I'm really hoping it wasn't referring to any kind of "promotion", Know what I mean?? husband was so startled he asked if difficult child was threatening him - before difficult child continued, of course, and threw in the cancer comment.

    March 16th cannot get here soon enough. We're all thinking the judge decided to let him stay on the run just to see how he handled things. Which is, in my humble opinion, poorly at best. The DJO mentioned lock-up, so maybe I'll get some time to relax without keeping the doors bolted and compulsively checking the house every time I come home...and before bed...and when I get up in the morning. Sleep might be a nice thing too.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I think he is handling your husband's cancer news rather poorly. Some might say that it is to be expected that a teen difficult child would react badly. I think that is giving them a pass for poor behavior.

    Treating his father who is in the midst of the fight of his life badly because he might be scared is not what he needs to be doing. He needs to be getting all the moments in he can with his dad because if he misses them now, and behaves like a jerk, he will sure regret it down the road.
  13. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    But here's the thing: difficult child continues to show that he doesn't regret a darn thing, except, of course, getting caught! He even said to me, a few weeks ago, that everything would be fine if I didn't check up on him.

    And the cancer diagnosis wasn't enough, even then, for difficult child to recant his lies about abuse or to come home or even to come visit. Now, the rest of the time, it's been "dad this" and "dad that" - the birthday on the calendar, the dinners, Christmas gifts. For me, mom? Nothing. Maybe that's his way of coping with it all.

    But he's still being a jerk, a difficult child, and this is just beyond belief. Unreal. Does anyone ever get "used" to having a difficult child?
  14. compassion

    compassion Member

    WHen I saw that heading I thought: a teen in the manic phase of bipolar! I do set boundaries today. I try to get her to express her feeling in more approptiate ways s.uch as I am frsutrated , I am angry. Threats,blackmail, and badgering are boudnaries I have set that I donot listen to or toleate and I detatch and don Occupational Therapist (OT) respond. I do not react. Compassion
  15. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Bi-polar is a distinct possibility. He's skipped too many psychiatrist appts to know. I assume he's taking his medications, but I didn't ask - he'd lie or use it as an opening to harrass me even more. He wasn't violent, and he appeared to have taken them - good enough for now!
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    If it helps at all, both of my difficult children have shared that little tidbit of emotional turmoil with me.

    Keeping all body parts crossed until 3/16.
  17. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Thank you - yes, it helps. I'm just so very, very tired of it all. And it's just been 2 1/2 years - those of you who have been dealing with this longer just amaze me. Of course, there were issues prior to these "big" ones, but still....
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is this his father? Is he attached to him?
    I don't know if most kids say it at his age, but none of mine ever have. Considering husband actually has a serious illness, I think it's bothersome, unless he normally acts sad about the illness and his lashing out was his way of coping with the possible loss.
    Other than that, if he takes drugs, I'd blame it on that. Kids on drugs say anything and sometimes they don't even remember what they say.
    I'm so sorry.
  19. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Technically, he's his stepdad - but biodad has been completely absent, and I do mean COMpletely, and husband has been "dad" since difficult child was four. And difficult child doesn't "normally" act sad, he hasn't had any reaction at all except, when husband was in the hospital, he told his sister he might visit him if he knew *I* wasn't going to be there...he never did, though. difficult child's only "feelings" or actions, best we can tell, are anger and manipulation. Oh, and lies too. Of course.

    Unsure about drug usage - all tests have been clean.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This really sounds like a poor coping skills reaction to his father's diagnosis to me. I wasn't doing drugs when I said horrible things to my step-father- albeit there were some other things going on but they weren't his fault. There still could be a diagnosis involved but some of our kids just add things up in a way that they think causes them the least pain- it doesn't mean it's intentional.