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What kind of parents you were/are? How did it work with different types of kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 647277" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Are you willing to share with us what your native language is, SuZir?</p><p></p><p>You write beautifully, and with great clarity. Your description of the white picket fence and the man who gave it to you is genius, presenting the family dynamic in just a few well chosen words and images. </p><p></p><p>It is a pleasure to read you.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Because of the abuse in my past, the last thing I did, every night, every night of my life, was review how the day had gone. How had I veered from the mom I wanted to be, how could I do better, what was I doing right.</p><p></p><p>What was I doing wrong.</p><p></p><p>It was scary for me in so many ways. I knew what not to do, but I think I was not a big, strong, reassuringly normal mom. For the longest time, once I finally got it that I hadn't done anything overt to harm either of my kids to account for what happened to all of us, then I started wishing I had been that stronger, louder, more self centered mom who parents so casually and so well.</p><p></p><p>The very kind of mom I was always so busy looking down on, back in the day before our lives fell apart.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>Parenting difficult child children changes many things, breaks us in many ways.</p><p></p><p>And then, MWM started sharing the genetics information at a time when I was able to hear it. And 2much2recover began sharing what she knows of genetics too, and of "gaslight."</p><p></p><p>And I was golden.</p><p></p><p>What I believe now is that there are many different styles of parenting. Almost every style is good enough. (When I was parenting young kids, I kept that on the fridge. Something to the effect that loving your kids and being a good enough mom was just fine, was good enough.) We were all about Dr. Lee Salk at our house, and about Benjamin Spock. </p><p></p><p>D H swore for years that was the problem.</p><p></p><p>He still gets flaky when someone talks about bolstering a child's self esteem.</p><p></p><p>He is right, I think. True self respect only comes through challenge.</p><p></p><p>Even moms cannot manufacture that one.</p><p></p><p>It's when things go wrong that we go over our parenting techniques with laser-like efficiency. Given the outcome, there is no way we are not going to come out of that examination feeling we have failed in this, that, or the next particular instance or way. But here is the thing: If our outcomes had been different, we would all be preening away, basking in the reflected glory of successful kids.</p><p></p><p>Once we have read here long enough, we begin to see the patterns in the ways our kids respond, and in the problems they present with. We will hear about moms who have both kinds of kids. </p><p></p><p>And we ease up on ourselves a little.</p><p></p><p>And I think that is healthier for the whole family.</p><p></p><p>Once we can stop blaming ourselves, we can actually re-engage our brains and make changes in the way we interact with our kids. They still need help, long after a normal child would have been independent. Our difficult child kids seem to value our opinions on things overmuch. They seem to hate us and love us and need us and detest us for that, so we have to be very strong, very centered in ourselves to stand up to that level of need.</p><p></p><p>There seems to be so little that comes out right for our difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>But what I have found is that I can really enjoy them ~ that simple little feeling of joy that is possible when responsibility has not turned joy into terror or even worse, horror. (Which is terror come true. Terror is what might happen. Horror is what did happen...or what is happening, now. It could be what is happening, now, too.) </p><p></p><p>Where was I.</p><p></p><p>Basically, I do believe genetics plays the major role. If we are abusing our kids, that is going to cause all kinds of things, of course. But in the normal course of events, parenting should be what we all believed it was going to be, until we had been parenting our difficult child kids for some time.</p><p></p><p>First, we blamed ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Then, we opened our eyes.</p><p></p><p>And now, we are coming to grips with parenting kids who seem to need us more than the average bear.</p><p></p><p>I am employing so many of the techniques we talk about here on the site. I think these things have been helpful to me in learning to stop judging myself or my children.</p><p></p><p>And in learning <em>to</em> judge my mother and family of origin, and to separate myself from all that without guilt, and without feeling responsible for the weird things they do.</p><p></p><p>So, that's good then.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 647277, member: 17461"] Are you willing to share with us what your native language is, SuZir? You write beautifully, and with great clarity. Your description of the white picket fence and the man who gave it to you is genius, presenting the family dynamic in just a few well chosen words and images. It is a pleasure to read you. *** Because of the abuse in my past, the last thing I did, every night, every night of my life, was review how the day had gone. How had I veered from the mom I wanted to be, how could I do better, what was I doing right. What was I doing wrong. It was scary for me in so many ways. I knew what not to do, but I think I was not a big, strong, reassuringly normal mom. For the longest time, once I finally got it that I hadn't done anything overt to harm either of my kids to account for what happened to all of us, then I started wishing I had been that stronger, louder, more self centered mom who parents so casually and so well. The very kind of mom I was always so busy looking down on, back in the day before our lives fell apart. Ahem. Parenting difficult child children changes many things, breaks us in many ways. And then, MWM started sharing the genetics information at a time when I was able to hear it. And 2much2recover began sharing what she knows of genetics too, and of "gaslight." And I was golden. What I believe now is that there are many different styles of parenting. Almost every style is good enough. (When I was parenting young kids, I kept that on the fridge. Something to the effect that loving your kids and being a good enough mom was just fine, was good enough.) We were all about Dr. Lee Salk at our house, and about Benjamin Spock. D H swore for years that was the problem. He still gets flaky when someone talks about bolstering a child's self esteem. He is right, I think. True self respect only comes through challenge. Even moms cannot manufacture that one. It's when things go wrong that we go over our parenting techniques with laser-like efficiency. Given the outcome, there is no way we are not going to come out of that examination feeling we have failed in this, that, or the next particular instance or way. But here is the thing: If our outcomes had been different, we would all be preening away, basking in the reflected glory of successful kids. Once we have read here long enough, we begin to see the patterns in the ways our kids respond, and in the problems they present with. We will hear about moms who have both kinds of kids. And we ease up on ourselves a little. And I think that is healthier for the whole family. Once we can stop blaming ourselves, we can actually re-engage our brains and make changes in the way we interact with our kids. They still need help, long after a normal child would have been independent. Our difficult child kids seem to value our opinions on things overmuch. They seem to hate us and love us and need us and detest us for that, so we have to be very strong, very centered in ourselves to stand up to that level of need. There seems to be so little that comes out right for our difficult child kids. But what I have found is that I can really enjoy them ~ that simple little feeling of joy that is possible when responsibility has not turned joy into terror or even worse, horror. (Which is terror come true. Terror is what might happen. Horror is what did happen...or what is happening, now. It could be what is happening, now, too.) Where was I. Basically, I do believe genetics plays the major role. If we are abusing our kids, that is going to cause all kinds of things, of course. But in the normal course of events, parenting should be what we all believed it was going to be, until we had been parenting our difficult child kids for some time. First, we blamed ourselves. Then, we opened our eyes. And now, we are coming to grips with parenting kids who seem to need us more than the average bear. I am employing so many of the techniques we talk about here on the site. I think these things have been helpful to me in learning to stop judging myself or my children. And in learning [I]to[/I] judge my mother and family of origin, and to separate myself from all that without guilt, and without feeling responsible for the weird things they do. So, that's good then. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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